What really like feed back on this because I seem to have lost my direction and ideas for the next short piece would be excellent! Shifting Sands
A thousand gnarled fingers, a thousand broken hearts, and many broken lives. Unbearable heat beats down on me like a man with a relentless whip, lashing at my back but leaving no scars, scars that I wish I had so that I had at least some testament to my endurance.
The heat sears at the sand too- beating, slashing and biting at it, unlike me the sand is scarred, cracks appear for miles around. That’s where I see them the faceless many; a thousand gnarled fingers, a thousand broken hearts, and many broken lives in each crack. The sea of desolation stretches before me into infinity like blistered gold. A thousand broken lives in each crack, I see infinite cracks, a thousand times infinity is too large a number to imagine, too large to bear. So much death in one place, waves of terror and horror used to wash upon me. These emotions still beat upon me but I can’t feel them anymore, I wish I could still feel, still sense. The horror of this place has made even living foreign to me, my beating heart, the noise of my breathing; they are all distant curiosities. It is like watching life in a fogged mirror, you know the reflection but everything is in reverse and you can only guess at the emotions the alien figure staring back at you is feeling.
The story of this place is sad and I have no regret in telling it but I do have hope and it lays with you my reader. I hope these words outlast me, once I have joined the shifting sand, my final resting place, no stone will mark my grave, I will join the faceless many below my feet but I will make you remember us.
Evil men used to run this place, evil men have always run it, the elders disagree with me. Nostalgia has blocked their senses; nostalgia makes you only remember the good but I envy them, we all live in fog but their eyes are glazed over with remembrance, despite being false memory it gives them hope and feeling. The younger have no such escape.
The evil men spoke with good words and good intent, this disguised dark hearts. Those words reached us, touched us, and fooled us. It was like they opened up our hearts and had poured wine into each and every one of us, leaving us drunk on hope. You would have supported them too. When you live in a perpetual vertigo living in the present is the only life you know, thinking of past and future leaves you spinning and giddy. When you suffer you forget the vain ambition of men with clever words, not because of stupidity, it’s just that living itself becomes a vanity.
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Firstly ...
Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 6th December 2006 | ... the text is so small I almost had to read this with my nose up against the screen, might put people off. The only reason I continued was because I could see it was not long.
This is a story with no real beginning, middle or end, not sure who the narrator is, and you mention 'thousand' so many times in the first paragraph it takes the reader away from the moment.
I very much liked the dialog of the last paragraph starting 'The evil men spoke', this was by far the best of the whole. As for ideas for the next part I have no idea why they arethere, I guess at the will of the evil men, is this a crusader? So your mission for part two is to tell us how he got there? |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3174 comments posted) 6th December 2006 | I find I'm in agreement with a lot of jbg's comment especially the small print ;try re-posting in 12.
Don't know it this is accurate but it had a post nuclear holocaust feel to it or maybe middle-ages as jbg said.
I would have begun with the paragraph starting
"Evil men used to run this place, evil men have always run it"
It is such a strong beginning and the rest could follow on from it.The whole piece reads like an intruguing introduction but you can't carry on without some context or you will just confound the reader. We want to know where, who, when, and why especially if you want to follow on from this piece.
just my reactions.
cheers
J |
Written by Fledermaus (3160 comments posted) 6th December 2006 | | Indeed you should do something about the font. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading this. It wasn't exactly a short story, but the style is nice and it paints a clear picture of a desert land ruled by cruel leaders. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 6th December 2006 | I liked this as a sketch, it left me with an image in my mind. However, unless this is the start of something longer I think you do need more background and context to let the reader in a little more
elli |
Written by JJ1986 (9 comments posted) 6th December 2006 | Thank you for your comments! I have taken them on board and will be making a few changes and hopefully have the second part started at some point. If I can find time, although the land that they 'inhabit' is mythical, it is meant to be a comparison of middle eastern tensions etc and how our interference isn't necessarily a good thing  The font is a problem and Word seems to shrink it automatically grrrrrrrrr........... |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 6th December 2006 | | are you posting straight from word rather than via notepad? |
Written by JJ1986 (9 comments posted) 6th December 2006 | Yes I am, my computer illiteracy is legend! I couldn't even find notepad, I figured it out, all is well and the planets are still spinning  |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 6th December 2006 | | much better this size! |
Written by GILLY (4 comments posted) 6th December 2006 |
READING IT I GOT THE IMPRESSION IT WAS PART OF A PERTICULAR PERSON'S CHARACTOR, LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D READ IN ITALICS CLARIFYING THEIR THOUGHTS,MOODS ETC... I MEAN I WAS THINKING ALL SORTS OF POSSIBILITIES AND REMEMBERED MY JOURNALS WHEN FIRST TRAVELING AROUND EUROPE IN THE 70'S. I WOULDN'T TOSS IT, IN FACT SAVE THE DISCRIPTION IN SOME SORT OF 'USE FOR ANOTHER DATE' FOLDER, OR PERHAPS YOU ALREADY HAVE MORE IN MIND. I TAKE IT YOU YOU WANT TO ELABORATE MORE AND IF YOU DO IT IN THE SAME VEIN WITH MORE HINTS IT COULD EVENTUALLY HOOKS US IN TO WANTING MORE.....
ANYWAY, THATS WHAT CAME TO MIND.
GILLY |
Written by Phil (6435 comments posted) 7th December 2006 | Lots already said. Not much to add. The font is fine now.
If this is to stand alone, it needs more context. I liked BBS's suggestion especially.
Phil. |
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