I don't much like it if I find the need to provide introductory explanations, but anyway - briefly:
There was a Panorama programme the other night in which an Uzbek reporter was set the task of obtaining a false identity from each state in the European Union. At one point she asked this woman where the best place in Bratislava was to get counterfeit passports, to which the woman replied "Tesco's". Thankfully this was not yet another business activity in the long arm of T. E. Stockwell & Cohen, but the cafe nextdoor. Amongst more serious thoughts, it sparked this little piece of puerile nonsense.
[EXT. IGOR AND NURIDDIN ARE TWO ROUGH-LOOKING YOUNG MEN STANDING FURTIVELY ON A STREET CORNER DOING A DEAL]
NURIDDIN: Of all places in Bratislava, why you have to sell passport outside Sainsbury’s?
IGOR: Everybody who buy passport want to go to UK. Everybody in UK shop at Sainsbury’s. Any more stupid questions?
NURIDDIN: What is UK like?
IGOR: Black cab, red bus, fish-chips, mind the gap, Hanger Lane Gyratory System. I was tour guide for seven years. Easy in, easy out, easy money.
NURIDDIN [THINKING]: Decision is very difficult for me. You think I get job as hairdresser? My head is splitting in two directions.
IGOR [UNRESERVED CONFIDENCE]: Forget job. Every Friday morning, Duke of Edinburgh arrive in Trafalgar Square with huge wheelie-bin full of cash, which he throw at pigeons and immigrants. Then he take everybody down East End in horse and carriage for knees-up, with warm beer and eel jelly. I found him very generous aristocratic racist. Which nationality passport you want?
NURIDDIN: Eee-You. Give me decent country. Nothing cheesy. You got anything in Danish blue?
IGOR [HANDING HIM SEVERAL PASSPORTS]: Here. I give you good price.
NURIDDIN [OPENS ONE PASSPORT AND STUDIES IT]: This passport is for woman. Sophia Loren. Do I look like person who can carry off horny Italian grandmother? Why you show picture of very shrivelled prune?
IGOR: I don’t do pictures. I cut photo from Sainsbury’s fruit and veg catalogue, just to give you idea. [HANDING ANOTHER PASSPORT TO NURIDDIN] Try this one.
NURIDDIN [OPENS PASSPORT]: Con-dol-ee-zza. This is very good for black American Secretary of State, not for white Uzbek barber’s assistant. What is this photo?
IGOR: It is picture of Macadamia nut. Closest likeness I could find. Passport is for Republic of Macadamia, so there is no problem.
NURIDDIN: Is Macadamia in Eee-You?
IGOR: Next year. After Bulgaria. But this document cannot be used at airports, stations or ferry-terminals. British have special machine for matching photo with voice.
NURIDDIN: So where I use it?
IGOR: You take hot-air balloon from Amsterdam and then hide underneath French turkey-truck for thirty-six hours until you hear words “Bernard Matthews”. I will supply Velcro. What more you want?
NURIDDIN [POINTING TO IGOR’S BAG]: What else you got in your bag? Zsa Zsa Gabor with cucumber?
IGOR: There are things one can only dream of. I see from your little Uzbek sense of humour that you are bloody timewaster. I have to satisfy very demanding wife who is circus performer from Thailand. She want to have operation [POINTING DOWNWARDS]… down there.
NURIDDIN [LOOKING DOWN AT STREET]: What? In manhole?
IGOR: In your country, maybe. In my country we call it Vlad the Impaler’s unrequited sausage repository. She has dream to fire ping-pong ball over Vienna Opera House. Given a vagina enhancement and a good south-westerly breeze she will never stop erupting with self-confidence.
NURIDDIN [HOLDING UP ANOTHER PASSPORT]: Look at this. [SHOWING HIM PASSPORT] Republic of Macedonia. And inside… [OPENS PASSPORT] Simon and Garfunkel. I think you are faking rubbish.
IGOR: OK. It’s true. I normally work in Pick ‘n’ Mix at Sainsbury’s. But overtime is crap. However, I can give you very good recommendation.
NURIDDIN: I don’t want job in supermarket. Everybody is leaving Sainsbury’s these days to go and work in salt mine. There is less argument over rota.
IGOR: Go see my brother. Outside Tesco’s in Bucharest. He do very good Norman Wisdom with pistachio. Authentic Mr. Grimsdale signature. Plus he give you free Clubcard.
NURIDDIN: What is Clubcard?
IGOR: With Tesco Clubcard you can do anything in Britain. Buy house. Drive Formula I racing car. Even shag Prime Minister’s wife.
NURIDDIN: Some people do anything to stay in UK, eh. What time is next turkey-truck from Paris?
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Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 6th December 2006 |
Now there's an idea to curb immigration, a lusty evening with Cherie.
Enjoyed this, especially the unrequited sausage repository - and the operation. Why stop at ping pong balls? She could go the whole hog and fire hopefuls over the channel.
All the best, Phil.
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I thought...
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 6th December 2006 |
this was great. If it is puerile nonsense then Im all for it! The ending I thought was really good although it has left me with an image I'm not sure I want in my head!
Really enjoyed this
Elli |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 6th December 2006 |
Oh, good it's back again. I'll get my comment in quick.
It's really good what you can do with a with a little idea if you are prepared to go right over the top with it and see how far you can take it. of course it was puerile you can't take this sort of stuff seriously. I thought it was a wonderful bit of lunacy done with your usual wit and unconcern for taste and subltley. I think you have a good ear for dialogue I could almost hear the accents on the page.
Great piece of entertainment
J |
Written by Clifftown (619 comments posted) 7th December 2006 |
A fantastic read. I always keep a lookout for your comedy scripts and they never disappoint. This was no exception...really clever concept and the dialogue as BBS says was spot on. I'm sure there really are people out there who think a Tesco Clubcard is a kind of 'golden ticket'!
Too many fantastic bits to list, but my favourite is the image of Prince Philip throwing money from a wheelie bin in Trafalgar Square at "pigeons and immigrants"!
Excellent, thanks for brightening up a rainy morning at work. |
Written by woody44 (774 comments posted) 7th December 2006 |
Great bit of OTT David. Love your style of delivery. Only thing in ONE of our wheelie bins though is a bespecled council official with a clip board and a digital camera. Nice to know the government has their priorities right. Isn`t it just great to be British...Now, which bin did I put the dog mess in?
happy writing
Woody |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 7th December 2006 |
One of my favorite lines in this was: 'black cab, red bus, fish-chips, mind the gap.' That is pure poetry, and it is as good a description of the U.K. as anything I can think of.
I am embarrassed to ask you this, but what is the 'Hanger Lane Gyratory System?' And if this is a play on words (which of course it has to be), what is the original? I feel like an idiot asking this, and it totally takes the fun out of the thing, but only my kids are here tonight and neither of them has the slightest idea . . . |
Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 7th December 2006 |
Funny thing with comedy, I re-read this a few hours after I'd posted it and decided that maybe it had just seemed a good idea at the time - so I'm genuinely surprised to get these reviews.
Thanks Phil - that's a "cracking" idea - she fires them on a one-way trip from Bratislava to Bolton, and Phil defends the British against the immigrant invasion with his Fabulous Phlegm - it will run and run. Thanks for the positive response. |
Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 7th December 2006 |
Cheers, Elli. At one point I had Cherie firing the ping-pong balls as well, so things could have been a lot worse. Glad you enjoyed it.
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Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 8th December 2006 |
| Sorry about "posting and pulling" yet again BBS - will Ginko Baloba get me over this? - the arguments in your review, however, make reassuring sense, so they're much appreciated. Cheers. |
Nice work.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 8th December 2006 |
Really sharp piece of business, David.Endorse everything evryone else has said. Short, single theme, character gags! For me the best you have done. Love comedy when its simple and put over without complication. Well done. Along with ' Phil and his Fabulous Phlegm ' I think you have something that can be developed into numerous ' character sketches '.
Slan! |
Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 8th December 2006 |
| As always Nina, your encouraging remarks are much appreciated. I get the impression you may be using your computer at work more for GW than for the actual job - which is, of course, no bad thing - unless you're a brain surgeon or the Minister for Defence. Cheers. |
Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 8th December 2006 |
Thank you, Woody. Yes it is nice to know the Government have their priorities right - as do you, with your dog mess. I notice you've Not-Newsed a Mills-McCartney story - I've lost track of the situation, so I'll check it out later and get fully updated. Cheers.
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Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 8th December 2006 |
Witzl, that is a hilarious image of you asking your bemused kids about the "Hanger Lane Gyratory System". It's just a jumped-up roundabout over in West London, although a "proper" motorist (one of those who can give you every junction and sub-junction number between here and John o' Groats) will no doubt be able to provide you with more enlightening details. It's just one of those names they repeat ad infinitum on the London radio traffic bulletins (like the names with the Shipping Forecast), so I had the character remember it in the same way as "mind the gap". Perhaps "cup o' tea" would have been better, since it is, after all, one of the main British remedies for anything from a bit o' bad news to Gulf War syndrome.
Reminds me, as a kid, I was always fascinated by a line in a Simon & Garfunkel song - "counting the cars on the New Jersey turnpike" - or as I understood it "turn-pipe" - I had this image of a bloke with a clipboard ticking off cars travelling inside some huge tubular glass coil - so I had a pretty screwed-up mind then as well. Many thanks for your comments, Witzl... please enlighten your children. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 8th December 2006 |
Your funny interpretation of that line (one of my favorite S & G songs, too) reminds me, in turn, of Holden Caulfield and his amusing interpretation of 'Coming through the rye.' I have gone over the New Jersey Turnpike any number of times, and I can assure you that a turn-pipe would be a great improvement, though perhaps difficult from a practical point of view.
A jumped up roundabout -- in London! -- sounds like my idea of hell on earth. And if I were ever to find myself on this, it would be pretty rough for the people behind me too, so thanks for the heads up. |
Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 8th December 2006 |
| Yes, Witzl.... but why is he counting all these bloody cars? My family wouldn't tell me either... |
Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 8th December 2006 |
| Thank you, Gerard. To be honest, I'm flabbergasted, insofar as it was done purely off-the-cuff. Annoying how it's difficult to determine sometimes whether your own stuff works or not - but that is the beauty of a site like GW. Thanks as always for a straightforward, concise response - I also think it's worth delving further into Phil's phlegm. |
HI Coosh
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 3rd September 2007 |
| I just found this. What a treasure - and I noticed that there is more. Great fun, and I enjoyed the comments and counter comments too. I was with Witzl in not knowing about the Hanger Lane system. And I rather expect that you have not had the pleasure of keeping kids quiet in the back of the car by counting cars. I now do it with my granddaughter - aged 4 - She counts silver and I count red, and somehow she always wins. |
Pikettes?!!
Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 4th September 2007 |
| Well, that's cleared that up, Jean, after all these years. Many thanks. I notice that when they opened the New Jersey Turnpike in about 1950, they employed slim, leggy blondes in attractive uniforms to provide motorists with traffic information and called them Pikettes. Can't see that happening in the UK, somehow... the Hanger Lane Gyrators... my coat is beckoning. |
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