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Comedy
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| Stand-Up Routine | |
| By PaperSmile | ||||||||||||||||
| 06 December 2006 | ||||||||||||||||
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Okay....yeah, it's crap, but I'm just going through my PC looking for things I can be bothered to upload. Cheers, Paper Smile. - What’s got three legs and lives on a farm? The McCartneys. Sick joke, I know. God, I hate the Beatles. Not just the insects, the human ones too. Hate ‘em. Can’t bear ‘em. Most of all I can’t stand Paul McCartney. - When I listen to Imagine, and then listen to Mull of Kintyre I wonder if they shot the wrong bloke. Did you know, a few days ago, McCartney’s up on stage playing to this huge crowd, and he’s ‘singing’ away, ignoring the fact he’s sixty, and as relevant as the Mary Rose, and he’s supposed to walk over to this huge grand piano that mysteriously appears through a hole in the floor. - So, he walks over and doesn’t see that the piano isn’t there; he falls five feet down into this hole in the stage and lands on the piano. Now…surely you’d see that the piano wasn’t there, but no, not Maccas. Is it his age? - You know what I think? It was the roadies making amends. The wrong guy got shot back in 1980, so they’re putting it right 25 years late. And good on ‘em. - Anyway, McCartney crawled out this vast expanse and he proceeded to tell the crowd it was meant to happen! The only idiots stupid enough to believe this fall was scripted are the kind of idiots who would pay a hundred quid to hear McCartney ‘sing’ anyway! And what happens for the rest of the tour? Does he hire a stunt double? “Wanted, geriatric stunt double with a fetish for one legged women”. Is he going to gradually make the stunts more dangerous, finally cumulating in him being fired out a cannon, or stepping on a land mine? - Or, will it be a one off? There was talk of them building a nice little picket fence round the piano, to stop him walking into the hole again. Maybe instead he’ll trip and fall into the fence? - And what is it about musicians? This great bunch of retards, this ecliptic group of spastics. People who become multimillionaires because they can strum a guitar and shout. The guitarist with the Stone Roses, throws his guitar in the air, can’t catch the damn thing and it breaks his nose! Seahorse? More like carthorse. - Some of these idiots, it’s amazing they survived infancy, never mind stringing their first guitar without accidentally wrapping the thing round his neck or stabbing his own eyes out. And some of them, Jesus, how much bad luck must they have? Steve Tyler, alien or experiment gone wrong? Maybe he just fell out the ugly tree and hit every branch. And he’s famous? He has groupies! He looks like Michael Jackson next to a fire! - Now, I’m sure you’ll have all seen lately that Jacko managed to once more beat back American justice, and all those accusations of child abuse. What’s Michael Jackson’s idea of a perfect 10? Two five year olds. Why did Jacko call Boys-2-Men? He thought it was delivery service. As a terrible irony children can now buy the Wacko Jacko Halloween mask. This distorted vision of terror allows kids to molest their friends in total secrecy. - He was quoted as saying “I’m just like anyone else. I cut and I bleed”. Well, cut your wrists and we’ll see if you’re right. Or, “Why can’t you share your bed? It’s very charming. It’s very sweet. The whole world should do it”…and he wonders why he’s always in court. - Americans…they pride themselves on being the land of the free, and the land of opportunity. Freedom and opportunity my arse. Only in the US could a group of white supremacists rule the entirety of the south for a hundred years. President Truman famously paid his dues to the Klan. But surely there must be a use for the Klan? Environmental policies perhaps, “keep the artic white”. - Speaking of white supremacists, George Bush and his staff…talk about a fuck up. New Orleans, Tom Delay, house majority leader said “now tell me the truth boys, is this kinda fun?”…to three young hurricane evacuees at the Astrodome in Houston. And, believe it or not, it gets worse. "Louisiana is a city that is largely under water." –Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff at a news conference, September 3rd, 2005. - Even during his election campaign in 2000 he managed to make a fool of himself. You’re a citizen of a country who has just said goodbye to arguably the greatest modern president, and only the second democrat since Truman, what do you chose as the slogan to win your presidency? Reform’N’Stuff. Oh my God…but I’ll give the guy his credit, he is good at bullshit. How many Bush’s does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to promise he’ll do it better than anyone else, and one to obscure the issues. - But Bush isn’t the only idiot the great American people have voted for lately. Arnie, governor of Californian, said on his campaign trail that he believed, “gay marriage should be kept between a man and a woman”. Need I say more? - Then again, we can see stupidity closer to home too. Good old Tony, our PM, the man in charge, decided to ignore advice from the man in charge of the International Atomic Energy Agency, Mohamed ElBaradei, and invade Iraq, despite their patchy, incomplete, obviously correct intelligence, which turned out to be utter bollocks anyway. Of course, to rub in the opposition against the war the Nobel Committee gave their Peace Prize to the man himself. - …Terrorism is a huge threat these days, Al-Qaeda, obviously.
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