Usual caveat with me and comedy...I apologise if it ent funny! But I thought I'd lend a hand and fill some space :) (You know things are bad when I venture into the realms of comedy)

Breaking news this week from Australian researchers indicates that left-handed people think more quickly than right-handed people when playing sport. This has led to the discovery that Australia's recent dominance of the international cricket scene is due to the fact that Adam Gilchrist was successfully cloned a number of years ago. The clones have apparently been well-treated, given extensive plastic surgery and are often to be seen propping up their batting line up. This does explain why Gilchirst has been in such poor form of late and why he is so hideously ugly; his stem cell count is thought to be terminally low. A new website has been set up on his behalf, for every hundred clicks one pound will be donated towards the surgery that he so desperately needs so get voting. You can also text Save Gilchrist's face to 88111 - lines close at midnight. The results show will be broadcast at 6pm, Saturday on BBC1 followed by I'm a cricketer get me out of here at 7pm.

The recent overturning of a cloning ban in Australia is widely expected to pave the way for new clones of Shane Warne to be rolled out worldwide in the New Year. This may also help to bolster the Australian economy as several countries are known to have put in orders for new bowling machines. We asked Duncan Fletcher for his reaction to this news (this transcript has been highly edited as our reporter struggled to interpret the mumbles emanating from Mr Fletcher's chin):

'Well that's a crap idea. Can you imagine a team cloned from Strauss and Trescothick? It would cost the taxpayer thousands of pounds in early return flights for a start and we still wouldn't score any runs. Instead, we have come up with a new, innovative strategy. Rather than wasting time and money developing our own talent we are going to buy a Shane Warne Mark 2 in the Spring. We have been reliably informed by Mystic Meg that Warne Mark 2 will be mauled by a large Alsatian around April time. We are currently persuading Ashley Giles to offer his face for transplantation purposes after this unfortunate event. Bingo, problem solved.'

When Fletcher was asked whether England have any other plans to tackle a resurgent Australia, he gave us this exclusive scoop,

'Following the classification of striptease as art by the Norwegian government we have obtained a lottery grant to enable Monty Panesar to attend a course. We all know I'm never going to play a spin bowler who actually takes wickets so he might as well make himself useful. The sight of him stripping in the stands should put the Aussies right off their strokes with the added benefit of making him a prime contender for Sports Personality of the Year.'