ACT II

SCENE:  Valerie and Herbert Morrison’s living room, decorated for Christmas. In the room are a sofa, two armchairs, several smaller chairs, bookshelves, a coffee table, a china cabinet, and several small pieces of furniture. There is a large Christmas tree in the window, decorated in blue, lavender and white under which are a large number of brightly coloured packages. To the left of the room is a door to the outside, to the right is a door to the kitchen. Towards the back of the stage, in the middle, is a staircase which leads up.

VALERIE MORRISON, is bustling nervously about the room, tidying newspapers and books away, plumping cushions on the sofa and exclaiming over minor points of
untidiness.

Her husband, HERBERT MORRISON stands at the door watching her for a few moments, obviously preoccupied, until she notices him.

VALERIE:  (Irritated)  Come on, Herb – give me a hand! There are still thousands of things to do and people will be arriving in an hour or so…

HERBERT:  (Looking guilty) Listen, Valerie –

VALERIE:  (Irritated, bustling about) Take these mugs back to the kitchen and clear

up some of these bloody newspapers, at the very least!

HERBERT:  Look, love, I’ve got some bad news, I’m afraid –

VALERIE:  (Agitated)  I tidied this room up just two days ago and I swear, you’d never –

HERBERT:  (Beginning to lose patience)  Just leave it, will you, Val, I’ve got something –

VALERIE:  Not hearing him, she walks over to the sofa and extracts a pair of glasses from between two cushions. And for heaven’s sake, will you stop leaving your glasses where anyone can just sit on  –

HERBERT:  Finally losing patience and interrupting her. Listen, Valerie: Dad’s coming. He’ll be here tomorrow morning.

VALERIE:  (Visibly stricken) What?!

HERBERT:  (Apologetic) I just got off the phone with Simon. He claims he left a message a couple of weeks ago. He and Celia are going to Holland for Christmas – kind of a last-minute thing – and they’ve decided they can’t take Dad with them this time. So he’s got to come here.

VALERIE:  (Outraged)  But that’s ridiculous! I never –

HERBERT:  (Nodding sympathetically)  I told him that, believe me! I said you

hadn’t said anything to me, so I was sure you’d never got it. But he swears he left one.

Two, in fact.

VALERIE:  (Slapping her forehead)  Oh Jesus, Paul probably erased them and forgot

to mention it.

HERBERT:  (Says nothing but looks grim. He walks over to the window and looks

out)

VALERIE:  (Still shocked)   Didn’t you tell him – about Adam and – and – what’s her name?

HERBERT:  Kimiyo.

VALERIE:  (Dismissively) Sure – Kee-mee-yo. I mean – Adam knows they’re coming, doesn’t he? I’m sure I told him a couple of months ago!

HERBERT:  (Sighing, and sitting down, rubbing his head)  He knows, but he says he can’t do anything about that. He said they wondered why you never got back to him, kept thinking maybe he ought to call again and make sure you knew. But he said he just lost track, he was that busy what with work and all. He did try to let us know ahead of time, after all. It’s really not his problem if Paul –

VALERIE:  (Despairingly) But they can’t just up and take off like that! 

HERBERT:  He’s got a point, Val. He and Celia have had Dad for a good long time now –and they had him last Christmas, remember – and he said Celia’s getting pretty fed up with all the work, with Dad’s attitude and all. You know what it’s like –

VALERIE:  (Despondently) Oh God, don’t I just!

HERBERT:  Look, it’s only for a week –

VALERIE:  (Rather hysterically) Yes, but it’s this week of all weeks! And for Chrissakes, even a week of your Dad is like a month of anyone else!

HERBERT:  (Nodding, conciliatorily)  I know, but like I said, what can we do about

it?

VALERIE:  (Biting her lips, thinking)  What about that place he went into last Easter when Simon and Celia had the flu?

HERBERT:  I just called them. They’re full up.

VALERIE:  Well, how about the Oaks place? – whatever it’s called.

HERBERT:  (Sighing) Oak Bridge. I tried. They went out of business a year ago.

VALERIE:  So, find another place – there’re bound to be hundreds!

HERBERT:  (Looking troubled) But you know Dad. You can’t just go and park him anywhere.

VALERIE:  I know, but at least try to find some place!  It doesn’t have to be

‘anywhere’ – find him a resort for heaven’s sake. But not here, Herb! I just don’t

think I can cope with your Dad right now, not this Christmas.

HERBERT: (Exasperatedly)  Look, I’ve just spent the last thirty minutes on the phone. Talking to Simon, talking to the people at Brookhaven, trying to get in touch with the Oak Bridge Home. If you want to see if you can find some place yourself, go on and try, by all means. But I think it’d be wiser just to give in and accept that we’re going to have Dad here over Christmas.  Make the best of it and all.

VALERIE:  (Angrily) Well, this ought to be great! Former Guest of the Emperor with his brand new Japanese daughter-in-law. What is it with your family, anyway? People say they might come, then don’t, but then they go and dump your father on me at the very last minute when it couldn’t possibly be more awkward or inconvenient –

HERBERT:  (Sighing) It isn’t really like that, you know – no one’s just dumping him on anybody –

VALERIE:  (Tartly) No? Well pardon me, but that’s what it feels like.

HERBERT:  (Wearily)  I’m not saying it’s going to be easy –

VALERIE:  (Laughing sarcastically) Is it ever? It’s hard enough having your Dad even under normal circumstances!

HERBERT:  (Obviously exhausted by the argument) We’ll just have to do the best we can to keep things from getting out of hand.

VALERIE: (Sighing and sitting down)  Maybe I ought to make a list of

conversational no-nos and have it printed out and distributed. (Ticking them off on her

fingers) Let’s see: Japanese cars, Japanese technology, Japanese anything, for that matter – and oh yes – politics, political correctness, homosexuality, whaling. . .

HERBERT:  (Moving back to the door, stops mid-way and stares back at Valerie, perplexed)  Whaling?

VALERIE:  (Nodding) You weren’t here that day; you were out on one of your walks. The girls mentioned something about whaling and he had a fit – just blew up. Don’t ask me why – he wouldn’t tell us – but it was damned upsetting, I can tell you that! Melissa was in tears afterwards.

HERBERT:  (Puzzled) Why would they quarrel over whaling?

VALERIE:  (Throwing up her hands in exasperation) You tell me! He’s your Dad – you know him – he doesn’t really need a reason, does he?

HERBERT: (Looking tired and discouraged) Didn’t Stephen and Diane say they’d be here about now?

VALERIE:  They did. They ought to be here any minute.

HERBERT:  They say anything about Emily and Colin, whether they’ve decided to come or not?

VALERIE:  (Sighing, smoothing a pillow with one hand) Diane said Emily’s not coming – probably . As for Colin, he hasn’t been in touch apparently, so they’ve got no idea. Maybe he’ll come, maybe he won’t. (With exasperation) Why can’t people just make up their minds and be done with it?

HERBERT:  (Ignoring her question) And Adam and Kimiyo?

VALERIE:   They said late afternoon or early evening – they’ll call us on their mobile when they’re close.

HERBERT:  How about Gwen?

VALERIE:  She said something about taking the late train from St Pancras, but you

know Gwen. She could show up now, she could show up tomorrow. Or she might even show up when she says she will.

HERBERT:  (With a look of indifference) Mmmm.

VALERIE:  If your Dad’s coming, we’ll have to make up the sofa bed for Gwen, you know.

HERBERT:  (Sighing) I’m sure she won’t mind, she’s slept on it before.

VALERIE:  (Sighing in exasperation) Just one more thing to worry about, though, and I wonder where I put the sheets for it? (Bustling about, she takes  a package of Christmas crackers out of a cupboard) So let’s see, now, am I going to have enough of these? Two of us, plus Stephen and Diane, that’s four, plus Adam and – and –

HERBERT:  (Automatically) Kimiyo.

VALERIE:  Refresh my memory. What do we know about this woman, other than the obvious?

HERBERT:  (Shrugging) Adam says she’s marvellous; he’s obviously besotted. And he says she’s a teacher, that she’s never been married before.

VALERIE:  And Japanese.

HERBERT: Well, yes. Simon’s met her. He said she was nice. He met her when he was on that trip to the Philippines last year, just before Christmas.

VALERIE:  (Smirking) Well, she’s a keeper then, if they’ve been together a whole year by now!

HERBERT: That’s hardly fair, Valerie.

VALERIE:  (Dismissively) Oh come on, Herb. First there was Penny, that American

girl with all the freckles – remember? Then all those Sarahs – weren’t there three of them? Sarah One and Sarah Two, you called them. And finally Sara Three, the Pakistani, just before he left for the Philippines.

HERBERT: They broke off with him, as you will recall. The first two weren’t really all that serious anyway.

VALERIE:  (Ignoring him) And then – what was her name? That Thai girl? Pet or something, wasn’t it? And now we’ve got Yoko Ono. God, we don’t need to travel to meet foreigners; all we have to do is have Adam over occasionally, when he breezes back from one of his exotic journeys with his latest dolly bird. 

HERBERT:  (Quietly indignant) So you’d have more respect for Adam if he’d settled down with Penny straight away, would you? Or with one of the Sarahs? Is that what bothers you – that he didn’t settle down right away? Or is it the fact that he’s had a number of girlfriends over the years? Or maybe it’s that three – sorry, four – of them haven’t been English – is that what bothers you?

VALERIE: (Very annoyed) Oh for God’s sake, Herb – I don’t give a damn how many exotic girlfriends he has or whether he wants to settle down or whatever. It’s just that one gets a little confused trying to keep up with them over the years. One year this one, the next year that one. And for someone like me who has trouble remembering names anyway, it’s just ridiculous!

HERBERT: Well, he’s taken the plunge and married this one, so let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and try to be as non-judgmental and welcoming as possible.

VALERIE: (Nodding, absorbed once again in her Christmas crackers) So that’s six, plus Gwen, that’s seven, and Paul is eight. And your Dad – oh great, I’ll have to buy another box of crackers.  I only bought one box because Emily and Colin had said they weren’t coming at first. Now what am I going to do?

HERBERT:  (Massaging his forehead with one hand) It’s not the end of the world if we’re short one cracker, Val.

VALERIE:  Easy for you to say, but if you’ve got nine people and only eight crackers, it’s embarrassing!

HERBERT: So I’ll buy some more. I’ll go out right now. (Jingling his car keys and looking unduly eager about the prospect of doing this)

VALERIE:  Don’t – they’ll be here any minute and I still haven’t unloaded the dishwasher –

HERBERT:  (Exasperated) Do you need more crackers or not? Make up your mind!

VALERIE:  (Sighing) Well, of course I do, but it can wait! At least until you get the dishwasher unloaded.

HERBERT:  (Exasperated) I’ll have time to unload the dishwasher later, Val, you know I will.

VALERIE:  And the thing with these crackers is, I got them on special offer at Boots, so you can’t just go into any old store –

HERBERT:  Yeah, okay, Boots, whatever – look, I’m going out for a walk.

VALERIE:  (Affronted; staring at Herbert as though he is insane) What, now?

HERBERT:  Yes. I need some fresh air.

VALERIE:  But – they’re due here any minute and look at this place! (She gestures wildly around her; the room is tidy except for two mugs and a newspaper) At the very least, help me unload the dishwasher first!

HERBERT:  (Rather desperately)  Look – I just need a break, some fresh air. (He glances around the room and gestures absent-mindedly) It’s not that bad, either.

VALERIE:  (Bitterly)  Not that bad! Easy for you to say!

HERBERT:  (Woodenly – a little desperately) Right then – I’ll only be a few minutes.

(He exits  out ‘front door’)

VALERIE:  (To herself, mockingly, in fake masculine voice)  “I’ll only be a few
minutes.” Sure you will! (Collecting mugs and newspaper, moving jerkily, picking up pillows and fluffing them angrily) What about me? Don’t I need some air? Couldn’t I use a break? Fresh air – pah! (She suddenly stops in her tracks and bites her lips, her face crumpling as she begins to cry)