In the usual run-up to Christmas, Birmingham City Council have announced some changes to their ‘Winterval’ celebrations, following pressure group claims that some offence could be caused.

“It is a well known fact that the traditional British concept of winter doesn’t exist in many countries with warmer climates and we are aware that some people can find the idea of winter and the falling of snow very offensive.” said a spokesperson from the council yesterday.  Pressure groups are campaigning for cards depicting traditional winter scenes to be banned from local newsagents, to be replaced by a stylish collection of wallpaper based prints by famed designer Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen.

Should snow fall, the council have put emergency plans in place for official inspectors to ensure that the ratio of snowmen to snowwomen is properly balanced, and alongside the usual carrot and potato eyes and noses, the ethnic community is properly observed through the addition of religious dress (such as burqas made from cut-up teatowels or woven strands of dried spaghetti) to roughly 5% of the snowperson population.

In another revered measure and so as not to cause any undue offence, carol singers have been banned from performing in the city’s streets unless they include a range of popular chants and songs from all religious faiths in their repertoire.  The president of the Birmingham Carol Singers’ Guild was quoted as saying, “It’s a nightmare trying to conform to this PC atrocity.  Some of the accents are very difficult for the children to learn; I myself had a great deal of trouble with “La Ilaha Illa-Allah”. I don’t care what anybody says, it just doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Little Donkey”.

Seasonal festivities have also come under attack from the Environmental Killjoy Society, which has today suggested that webcams are fitted to each home in the UK to counteract the damaging effects of rocketing fuel costs as hordes of people travel across the country to meet up with friends and relatives.  “It’s just like being in the same room, but there is of course the added bonus of being able to switch off the cameras if you get into any family arguments so this method really does have its advantages” said a Society spokesperson when asked to comment.