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Non-Fiction
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English what is written proper
By Bottleblondesurfer
08 December 2006
 I'm busy marking ESOL papers at present and it occurred  we could all benefit from some useful tips on improving English.
If you can think of any more, feel free to add them.

Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

 Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

 And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

 It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

 Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

 Always avoid annoying alliteration.

 Be more or less specific.

 Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

 Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.

 Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

 Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

 One should never generalise.

 Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

 Don't use no double negatives.

 One-word sentences? Eliminate.

 Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

 The passive voice is to be ignored.

 Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.

 Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

  Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

 Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

 Puns are for children, not groan readers.

 Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

 Who needs rhetorical questions?

 Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 9th December 2006
Entertaining piece Jane. I'll bet we all let a few errors creep in now and again. It's amazing that no matter how you try, there's always one (at least) that slips through and then becomes immediately obvious once you've submitted. 
 
All the best, Phil.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 9th December 2006
This is just brilliant. I used to teach ESL/EFL, and not only would this have been a big hit with my intermediate and advanced students, it would have saved me a lot of time and red ink. I may be teaching again some day; if so, can I use this?

Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 9th December 2006
Hee hee, excellent!  
 
I can guarantee you though that every piece of writing I produce will contain all of the above :P! 
 
Enjoyed this. 
 
E :)

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 9th December 2006
Fabulous, very clever bit of work Jane, I really enjoyed this. 
 
Elli
Hilarious
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 10th December 2006
Having struggled for a lifetime with students and their English mistakes (the worst one being the apostrophe) I had to laugh. The funniest mistakes came from students typing from dictaphones. Now I know that "mints" and "mince" might sound alike - but would you honestly eat Coffee with Mince at the end of a meal?

Written by Clifftown (642 comments posted) 12th December 2006
This is great, really clever stuff. My Dad is an English teacher and I echo Witzl's comments that this would go down well with the students - would you have any objections to my printing this off for him?

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 5th January 2008
Brilliant :-)
Question
Written by Alexis.G (19 comments posted) 15th August 2008
How much alliteration, is too much? 
Very helpful tips. I should definitely bookmark this page for future reference!

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