We went down to the park,
my sister and I
who larked about
because it made her laugh.
She practiced jumping,
believing she might catch a cloud
and never minding that only one foot
ever left the ground.
As she pirouetted she told me
she was saving her pocket money
to buy a lead
so that we could keep the cloud
in the garden with the dog
and it would not get scared
and run away.
I stifled giggles,
asked what kind of cloud she would catch.
'A big, white fluffy one of course -
no-one wants to get rained on'
I told her that all clouds rain
sometimes but she said that was ok
as long as it went in the litter tray.
I laughed again
but when I went to school today
I stood on the bins behind the lunch hall
and jumped as high as I could
without Mrs Finchley noticing,
I jumped and jumped
but I could not catch a cloud.
I didn't mind when they spotted me,
shoved my head down the toilet
and called me a baby
but I do just wish that I could jump high enough
to catch a cloud for her.
|
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 9th December 2006 |
This is so lovely, it speaks of the special love that exists between sisters, and paints such a nice picture.
If I had to be a pain the backside, I would say that it did read too much like prose to me. That's only my opinion though, and on the upside, that could be the reason why this piece seems so pure - its not "clouded" by mushy metaphors. So now I'm contradicting myself hehe!
I'll shut up now, and conclude by saying that I liked it!
E  |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 9th December 2006 |
Very different to your usual stuff Elli. Less poetic and as JAN says, more prose style. This didn't make it a poor piece though, just different. It's odd how you expect a certain style from someone and when confronted with something different, it can be hard to take in.
I liked this for its innocence. The last verse gave it a much harder edge though. Good piece.
Love the photograph. Photography is my other hobby. Is it one of yours? If it is, I'm jealous of both your writing and your skills behind a lens.
All the best, Phil. |
I wish
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 9th December 2006 |
I could take a photo like that! It came from the BBC photography competition thingy-I can't find the piece again to put a caption in, still looking!
I know it's a bit prosy...I think I tend to go overboard with imagery so I thought I'd try something different and keep it simple...
Thankyou both for the comments
Elli |
Found it!
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 9th December 2006 |
The photo is from the BBC's 'Generation Next' photography competition - 14-18 category, taken by Andrea Lim...all the entries can be seen at:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/6220434.stm
|
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 9th December 2006 |
Followed the link. Some really good pics. Thanks.
Phil. |
Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 9th December 2006 |
wow.... loved the poem!!! really emotional and well.. good!!!
rillie  |
HI Elli
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 10th December 2006 |
I thought this was very good. But I was a bit confused because in the beginning I thought the speaker was much older than the little jumping sister - but that didn't appear to be the case later on. And if it was the school authorities who caught her jumping on the lids, surely they wouldn't put her head down the toilet, would they? I have a feeling that there is more behind this than the face value story - as is so often the case with your work.
The picture is wonderful too. |
Thanks rilLie and Jean
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 10th December 2006 |
for your comments.
Jean - The speaker is older than the sister - not too much, at the that kind of inbetween stage, not quite a little kid anymore but wanting to be and it's other kids that catch 'her' (she was a he at first) and stick her head down the loo...
Cheers,
Elli |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 10th December 2006 |
| I too liked this poem but I found the first stanza was a weak introduction to a very enjoyable read. It seems mediocre where the rest of the piece is enchanting, and the phrase "jumped and larked about" doesn't fit. Otherwise great work |
Thanks GK
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 10th December 2006 |
I'm going to leave 'larked' in I'm afraid - for me the resonances to that word are quite strong and on the theme of innocence etc but thanks for your comments (you should have seen my first attmept at the beginning - that truly was mediocre!)
Cheers,
Elli |
Catching A Cloud
Written by PDN (5 comments posted) 10th December 2006 |
I'm not sticking to the rules here, at this moment, just posting a note to say, much enjoyed the magic in this poem between sister's.
I am always leaving letter's out such as 's' or saying 'is' when I mean 'isn't' in my hurry to write. I'm sorry, I have still have not mastered the slowing down process, required to write the perfect text, against the rush to reply in type, my typing hands are a lot slower than my mind Ellphinnock, and I suffer a bit of word blindness and dyslexia, so bear with me on my small typo erro's. And remember not to jump on them in your need to get to the answer's
in microscopics.
Many thanks for the read.
PDN
|
Catching A Cloud
Written by PDN (5 comments posted) 10th December 2006 |
I'm not sticking to the rules here, at this moment, just posting a note to say, much enjoyed the magic in this poem between sister's.
Elli, I am always leaving letter's out such as 's' or saying 'is' when I mean 'isn't' in my hurry to write. I'm sorry, I have still have not mastered the slowing down process, required to write the perfect text, against the rush to reply in type, my typing hands are a lot slower than my mind. Adding, Ellphinnock, I also suffer a bit of word blindness and dyslexia, so bear with me on my small typo erro's. And, remember not to jump on them in your need to get to the answer's in microscopics.
Many thanks for the read.
PDN
edited once. |
Catching A Cloud
Written by PDN (5 comments posted) 10th December 2006 |
I'm not sticking to the rules here, at this moment, just posting a note to say, much enjoyed the magic in this poem between sister's.
Elli, I am always leaving letter's out such as 's' or saying 'is' when I mean 'isn't' in my hurry to write. I'm sorry, I have still have not mastered the slowing down process, required to write the perfect text, against the rush to reply in type, my typing hands are a lot slower than my mind. Adding, Ellphinnock, I also suffer a bit of word blindness and dyslexia, so bear with me on my small typo erro's. And, remember not to jump on them in your need to get to the answer's in microscopics.
Many thanks for the read.
PDN
edited once. |
Written by PDN (5 comments posted) 10th December 2006 |
can a mod remove the first thread of mine, elli certainly doesn't need
the first as she is into microscopic detail.
PDN |
Hi PDN
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 10th December 2006 |
You've got me all confused now! But thankyou for the review, I'm glad you enjoyed it (I'm a bit prone to the odd typo myself!)
Elli |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
