|
By JJ1986
|
|
10 December 2006 |
We have all entertained dark thoughts during some difficult times in our lives. The question is how far are you prepared to go to achieve release? A razor cuts my skin
A razor draws my blood
A razor grates my bone Pale lips tight shut
Long moments of anguish
Now a moment of joy Crimson red froths in my throat
Blood drips from my pale lips tight shut
Like tears of joy at my own stigmata
Like tears of joy at my solitary communion
No weeping virgin at my feet Life is like a razor
Thus the path is hard
Life is like a razor
Thus the path is fleeting |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 10th December 2006 | | I don't like this poem. The language is uninspiring and the subject is tired. If you want to write a piece on self-harm, you need to delve a little deeper than shock-gore to come up with something original and therefore interesting. |
Written by JJ1986 (9 comments posted) 10th December 2006 | Thank you for your comments, but this isn't the finished piece. It was just an idea I had at two in the morning and had to write it down before I forgot!  |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 10th December 2006 | Maybe it's the beginnings of something better, but in its presents form, I have to agree with GK. Overused images.
I don't think the topic is particularly tired, but then GK is probably wider read than me. This reads very much like an adolescent piece - don't know how old you are - sorry if that offends. Also, I doubt there's any feeling of joy at the last moment. Release and peace perhaps, but not joy. Never having been there, I can't really say.
Sorry if all this seems a bit blunt.
Phil. |
Written by JJ1986 (9 comments posted) 10th December 2006 | Hey,
I admire your bluntness after all if we got it right all the time there wouldn't been any room for improvement or any point to learning! |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 10th December 2006 | I liked the beginning of this and I liked some of the imagery in the third stanza but I reckon the others are right in that there's too much of it in this. I thought the last stnaxa was more like a mission statement for the poem rather than part of the piece - you could probably find a way to say this more subtly - show us rather than tell us...An interesting starting point but does need more development.
Elli | Out damned blood
Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 2nd February 2007 | Greetings,
I worked in psychiatric departments in Ireland, Germany and a short time in America.
That's what self harm is all about, THE BLOOD LETTING.
One patient told me that the relief of the blood letting was better than an orgasm??
One patient was called hackfleisch Petra( mincemeat Petra) Eventually she cut too deep. exitus.
I thought this piece was VERY good.
This topic will never be tired as long as one person is on self harming.
Now I do not feel qualified to comment on poetry style, except to say, I liked it.marybarry
 |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
