Totally cathartic, for which I apologise! With the Christmas party looming I felt I needed to distract myself from trivialities such as what to wear.
…Tis the season to be jolly and the season to run around shops in a frantic rush to find a dress for the Christmas party.
The dress hire shop. In theory every girls dream, in reality a bit of a nightmare, unless that is you have the perfect size 10 figure. Though of course in today’s society size 10 has been literally downsized to a generous size 6. The assortment of dresses, some frilly, some sparkly and a couple even bearing a suspiciously leopard skin looking print sent me into panic.
Panic subsided and an hour later I had decided upon a sparkly, grey, long, clingy number. The latter of which has now become a cause for concern. I have what could be referred to as a curvaceous figure. This has led to 10 days of concerted effort to try and make the overall effect more pleasing to the eye. Key to this has been subjecting my midriff to electric impulses, succumbing to Slendertone’s advertising blurb. But the secret weapon in this assault has been the acquisition of some super duper hold it all it, boost it all up underwear. The much touted magic knickers. Except of course they aren’t magic, there is no miraculous vanishing of flesh. It simply displaces it to very bizarre places!
Faced with a vast array of choices, even this purchase wasn’t straightforward. I could seemingly suck in/boost my bum, thighs and stomach or a combination of the aforementioned. There was even a stretchy lycra tube sucking everything in from armpits to knees. As might be expected it was not a sexy look, that actually being a huge understatement. Added to this was the complication that the sparkly, grey, long, clingy dress had a low cut back and a slit up the front. Neither conducive to disguising such unattractive undergarments. Faced with this dilemma a full on attack was decided upon. So it was that 4 hours later I arrived home with a variety of emergency lycra.
As for shoes; I have over the past week taken to doing housework in my newly acquired high heeled, strappy, glittery sandals. Thankfully my walking has progressed, from precarious teetering to a semi confident stagger. It would seem I am a long way from elegant gliding.
...and I haven't even thought about the challenges of making banial coversation! I can only be thankful that Christmas parties come just once a year.
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Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 10th December 2006 |
I've always wondered where all the squished bits go to when ladies wear magic underwear. Perhaps if the bustle ever comes back into fashion, it could all be slung around the back.
Enjoyed reading this. Hope you enjoy your party.
All the best, Phil. |
very glib
Written by johniebg (553 comments posted) 10th December 2006 |
Skipped along with this, the mysteries f the female allure revealed. You have a nice way of making your writing feel personal as if the reader is an old friend sitting opposite in a cafe listening to all this.
Am looking forward to playing 'spot the magic knickers' at this years christmas party. |
Hello
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 11th December 2006 |
| My first review of your work. How I smiled. Isn't it funny how the wheel of life turns. In my Mum's day the term was "corsets" but I guess that such an old-fashioned term wouldn't be acceptable today, but it did the same thing. When the corset was abandoned my mother's generation would ask: "Well, how do you hold it all in then". I went to ballet lessons from the age of three and a half to 18 plus and again later in life, so I would answer: "Muscle power I suppose" not knowing about anything that needed squashing in. But now I think I will look out for the magic knickers, ha ha. (Size 6 is ridiculous and no wonder girls have got a hang-up about being overweight when they are size 14, which used to be average to slim). I think you did well with your writing and held the attention well and amusingly all the way through. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 11th December 2006 |
I smiled my way through this! The minute I got to the word 'clingy,' I had a pretty good hunch what was coming.
Josie's right: ballet (and yoga, too) will do more for anyone than the best underwear. But sucking it in for hours on end is a huge bore.
Good for you, though, still buying and still trying! |
Uncomfortable
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 12th December 2006 |
That must be uncomfortable, squeezing yourself into such a thing and then squeezing into tight clothes. Why not wear something baggy and ignore what other people think?
Nice little piece. |
Written by Clifftown (642 comments posted) 12th December 2006 |
Really enjoyed this piece, and I hope your friends and colleagues appreciate the effort you've gone to!
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Thankyou!
Written by Cindersarella (67 comments posted) 13th December 2006 |
Thankyou everyone for your comments, all of which are really appreciated.
It looks like I should have stuck with the ballet Josie! - ah well maybe I'll start yoga as Witzl suggested so I'm ready for next year's party!
Fledermaus, that's my back up plan!!! I have already espied a suitably baggy alternative! Thanks Clifftown, I think at the moment they're just amused by my level of angst!
Johniebg, am looking forward to reading a piece from you about your Christmas party magic knicker spotting!
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