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Ms Wales a (late) vision - (575 words) |
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By wattle
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11 December 2006 |
wattle - no one special, just a dreamer who found an old pen.
Her heart lives on her sleeve and can be touched by all who chance within an arms length of her beauty. More than once it has been lacerated by the unkind but it appears to remain unblemished as she carefully positions the scars on the underside, hidden from current and future strangers.
Since her childhood she has kept a list titled “Ms Wales (the best parts)”. In her teens she placed many cross-outs legs, eyes, breasts, tummy all have received the stroke and there is a stroke through her ‘red’ hair too. Twenties came and went without change but what was written has been skilfully crossed out such that it can no longer be read. Thirties received some changes, figure in the diet years but smile and personality surfaced for the first time and has remand into the big fours. She once wanted to write children names down but even she knew this would be being to possessive and stealing herself away.
She harbours a secret that never leaves her bed, in the lonely lateness of the dark she carries a longing to have danced naked on the Mongolian plans; ridden a bicycle across Europe; toured Africa in the back of an old truck, and backpacked Australian picking fruit. Yes, and then there is the look in the eye of those young faces whose adventurous advances she rejected in her teens. They return regularly. It’s not that things have been so bad life is wonderful. It’s the opportunities of today; when she farewells the young off on trips she secretly wants to shed years and pack her rack sack. “Youth seems so wasted on the young,” she tells herself as she readies herself for another day of being everyone’s Ms Wales.|
Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 11th December 2006 | spell check does not equal proof read.
warn = warm
scares = scars
etc
I couldn't really make sense of the first sentence.
At first I read this as an homage to Princess Diana, but the red hair threw me. And having a list with Ms Wales in the title since childhood implies her surname is, and always has been, Wales. I'd have liked less ambiguity as to who she was.
Loved the heart on her sleeve paragraph. |
Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 11th December 2006 | Lots to like about this Wattle, but many things detract from the story and spoil what could be a really interesting read. You've done so well recently on editing, but this is riddled with errors that make the reader backtrack many times. This interupts the flow of your story. One or two of your sentences were difficult to follow because of the number and nature of your errors.
Sorry if this seems a bit hard - but - I honestly think you are a talented writer and you ought not content yourself with this standard. You are so much better.
(Sorry for the lecture)
All the best, Phil. |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 12th December 2006 | | Charming. Not much to add. One always thinks of such things when it is too late. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3446 comments posted) 12th December 2006 | Totally thrown by this. I was beguiled by the writing and was happy to keep reading,the style was wonderfully vivid and with some great phrases but at the end I was left non-plussed by it. Work like this makes me realise what an uncultured pleb I am
cheers
J |
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