Barbie, oh dear Barbie

With your bright blue eyes

Your pleasant, fixed cheerleader smile

Enormous breasts that float so high

Above a pert and slender waist;

Your hair a sweet confection that

is never found in disarray;

Your limbs so long and silky-smooth

And fashion sense impeccable!

Please pity me, a gawky girl,

flat-chested, hair a bushy mess;

I weep to see reflected back

my graceless face, plain-featured, dour;

My stubby feet and stick-out ears

I study with such glum dismay.

Your charm and beauty, effortless

mock my own studied, futile toil.

You beckon with your friendly smile

I know you mean well, but I fear

You cannot teach me what you know.

In dressing room, I’m prone to choose

Bright polyester, double-knit

In lurid yellows, oranges, pinks

I aim for style – but always miss.

So Barbie, please don’t take this wrong

I fear our friendship cannot last

I’d rather have a plainer pal

A stout, thickwaisted, moustached lass

Some girl like me with dumpy legs

Who lives in sweatshirts, grubby slacks

. . . and leaves me my own wardrobe space.