Experts are trying to decide how best to dispose of the body of John Prescott, recently found washed up on a Scottish beach. The public are being warned to stay clear of the beach as Mr Prescott's clothes were unfortunately lost sometime after he drowned. A spokesperson from the council advised local residents to stay in their houses,

'Traces of Mr. Prescott have been found as far away as Elgin although it is thought that they are harmless at these lower concentrations. However, for those living closer to the affected area the risks could be severe. The local hospital has been swamped with worried residents who fear they have been exposed to harmful levels of Mr. Prescott. We are advising anyone suffering from nausea, dizziness, blindness or the temptation to thump someone in the face to contact NHS Direct for further tests.'

Twenty people have already been referred to hospital and three have been transferred to an isolation ward after giving a positive reaction to the custard pie test. Two of these individuals are described as being in a critical but stable condition however doctors are increasingly concerned about the welfare of the third admission who has already eaten the entire contents of three bakeries - his condition is said to be deteriorating fast.

In a disturbing twist to this tale Madonna has also tested positive for increased levels of Prescott leading to speculation that she may be about to relaunch her career again. The BBC website has posted a live tracker to detail her movements and people across the world are urged to be vigilant and take to their houses at the first sign of a concert near them.

UPDATE: As the epidemic spreads the list of symptoms has been updated to include a mysterious attraction to jaguar car dealerships and a loss of the ability to speak coherently... [cheers BBS :) ]

UPDATE 2: It is also thought that the growing epidemic of penile diminishment syndrome in Yorkshire may be related to this incident...more to follow...