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By sasquatch
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13 December 2006 |
This is the 7th from last instalment of my 'Animals in Comedy' trilogy Billy Martin was given a baboon for 7th birthday. His parents Stanley and Jane had wanted it to be an extra special birthday as up until now Billys life had been hard and birthdays had invariably been a bleak and present-free affair.
Stanley had bought the beast off a mate of his from down the pub for £30 and the promise of a go on his wife.
When the day of Billy's birthday finally came and the present was unveiled Billy could hardly contain his excitement.
The baboon stood tall and proud in its cage, an especially large adult male specimen. Billy clapped his hands together and fancied that this baboon, which he instantly named Sean, would have some manner of magical powers, perhaps would even be able to grant wishes or gift the power of flight. Either way this baboon was in no doubt fabulous.
When Billy opened the cage however it rapidly transpired that Sean was less fabulous than Billy had initially hoped. His first action was to turn around, bare his enormous bloated behind, and proceed to spray a revolting mess of liquid faeces all over Billy and his family. Then, before they even had a chance to wipe the rank filth from their eyes, Sean was upon them. Using his innate baboon strength Sean tore Billy and his family limb from limb in a less than a minute before greedily devouring their remains.
The police investigation that followed recorded a verdict of death by misadventure and ultimately Billys father, who was officially registered as suffering from retardation due to a suspected case of incest between his mother and her brother, was held to blame.
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Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 13th December 2006 | | Is it that time of the month again? Do you collaborate with David Attenborough on these projects? Charming as ever, sasquatch; enjoyed the pub transaction - lucky his mate wasn't a close relative as well, things could have been a lot worse. Look forward to your next environmentally-friendly trilogy. Cheers. |
Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 13th December 2006 | I must be some kind of sicko - I thought this was really very funny. Fantastic. I'm looking forward to your next one too.
All the best, Phil. | Monkey business..
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 13th December 2006 | Particularly enjoyed the totally unnecessary and excessive use of mindless violence here sassy old chap, and the inclusion of airborne excrement was the finishing touch.
Glad to see you're still alive anyway my man. How's your mum?
Cheers
Givistum | A lesson for us all
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3294 comments posted) 14th December 2006 | A delightful little morality tale on the dangers of buying stuff off mates in pubs. These transations never end happily and you are so right to highlight the dangers of it. Perhaps there should be a govt warning on beer labels. Saying the contents may encourage you to buy pointless and dangerous crap off friends
Give my regards to the barman
J | delicious
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 15th December 2006 | Why can't more children be encouraged to be intimate with wild animals?
Another glorious slice of your twisted world view sasquatch - i look forward to the photos when you publish. |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 15th December 2006 | Thanks all.
The festive period being upon us I thought that a violent baboon/liquid faeces based yarn was just what the doctor ordered.
It's encouraging to know that this kind of repulsive nonsense can sometimes be mildy entertaining.
Festive regards
sasquatch |
Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 8th January 2007 | Just struck me, if you're around - going back:
Whatever happened to "Hem 25"? Is he still driving round and round? - spawned a few OTT ideas (with his brother, "Hem 26").
And Clive Johnson?
Belated festive regards to you as well. |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 8th January 2007 | Hello there to yourself,
that was from a bunch of ideas i did way back, in an actual attempt to do some sketches that might work on tv. i had the opportunity to put it forward to some one at the bbc. Nothing came of it.
Then i got bored and descended into violent animal based crap.
happens to the best of us.
cheers
quassatch |
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