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Poetry


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Things Fall Apart

By rilLie

14 December 2006

the title was inspired by Chinua Achebe's book of the same title.. I love it so much!!! anyway... since we have a school production tomorrow, the whole crappy week has been dedicated to practicing... This year, our batch is singing: "What a Wonderful World." .. Personally, I love the song, it's just that singing it at least 20 times a day for five weeks makes me go crazy.... The second stanza was inspired by Fledermaus' poem a while back, Weeping in Paradise... Hope you don't mind, but I love the line!!!

I'm falling to pieces
and I'm wishing
that you'd gather the scattered
embers of my heart
in your palms
and kiss me goodnight as I sleep.

I'm weepin' in paradise,
and I'm hoping
that I'd see you
just once more,
to hold you in my arms,
to hear your voice once again
to calm my restless heart.

And I'm scribbling,
in a fantasy world of wonders
and I'm yearning,
for that warm smile and sweet embrace,
you're probably already
forgetting.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 14th December 2006

Another more mature piece rilLie. For me, you're really improving. This read a little like song lyrics, but still effective. I liked the first verse particularly. Everything in it fitted together very well. Your best piece, I think.

Well done.

All the best, Phil.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 14th December 2006

yep - your writing is definitely improving rilLie. Two points - you lose all the g's off your present participles in the first half which lends it a lyricy feel and then they all come back at the end! For me I'd keep them all the way through but whichever way you do it it's better to be consistent unless you're using it for something specific. Second - you just need to be a little bit careful of using cliches - they seem to creep into some of your work and you're good enough not to need them! Liked this very much.

Elli

Written by rilLie (324 comments posted) 15th December 2006

phil -- thankee.

elli -- yeah... about the g's.. The reason for that is because I wrote this in my palm while we were waiting for our turn to sing onstage... and I was too lazy anyway to write the g's. And anyway, with or without them, I couldn't escape my teacher's glare when he saw the writing... even when I told him it was a poem....

but that's not the exact reason.. I was sleepy :zzz

when I wanted to rewrite it on some actual paper, and my friend wanted to rewrite it... and the same friend came over to my house and wanted to type it..so I let her.. haiiii.... and thanks, anyway. :grin

I'll edit it later after submitting this one...

thankee...... :grin

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