My very first attempt at scripting....and as such I'm more than happy to be told it should be my last.  (Yes, I know the title's a bit dodgy!)

SUE: (sighs) Oooh, it’s good to get the weight off my feet!  Hello there Els…how’ve you been keeping?

ELSIE: Not so bad thanks love.  You know, we really should do something like this more often… we never get the chance to meet and catch up properly.  After all, we spend so much time around this place...

SUE: I know…depressing isn’t it!

ELSIE: How’s that husband of yours?

SUE: Not so well I’m afraid.  He frightened me the other day…I watched him come out of the shower clutching at his chest.  I thought he was having a heart attack at first.  I felt so helpless; you know there was nothing I could have done...but luckily he was alright.  For now, anyway...

ELSIE: Trust me; I know how hard that is.  My Ken’s at death’s door and every day’s a challenge.  You’d think we of all people’d be comforted by how things turn out, but still…Oh, hello Jane, how are you settling in?

JANE: Oh, fine thanks…still finding my feet a bit.  I’ll get used to it soon enough.  By the way Elsie, I think we’ve got someone in common – my friend Claire Davies?  I saw her coming to visit you the other day.

ELSIE: (smiles wistfully) Oh, dear Claire.  She’s my granddaughter, bless her.  Keeps everything so clean and tidy, doesn’t she.   Not like poor Millie next door…left to rot, she is.  No-one ever visits and I always feel for her so.

JANE: Poor thing.  Where is Millie tonight?

ELSIE: Oh, she’s a bit shy of these dos…I think she’s gone to see a relative.  Shame they can’t be bothered to make the same effort with her, she don’t say much but I know she’d really appreciate it.  Especially at this time of year.

JANE: (sadly) What a shame…

ELSIE: You young things are lucky in a way, you know.  You’re not forgotten about; everyone says it’s such a shame and they remember you at your best.  When it was my time all I heard were people going on about what a “good innings” I’d had.  Bloody cheek, I thought.  Seems the older you get, the less tears folks shed for you.  Mine were mostly glad to see the back of me in the end, that’s for sure.  I saw it in their eyes; at that sham they called a funeral.

JANE: Oh, that was such a strange experience.  I…

ELSIE: (interrupting) Bloody right it was.  That vicar bloke didn’t even know me, and there he was, merrily banging on about what a charming person I was and how much I enjoyed knitting clothes for the grandchildren.  I tell you now love, that wasn’t what I wanted to hear when I listened to my life being summed up and that’s the trouble, you’re only remembered for how you were when you went.

JANE: I hated my funeral, all that crying and all that black everywhere, it isn’t me at all.  I did say once that I wanted people to wear what they like and especially not anything black, but then I suppose people are comforted by it in a way…  It doesn’t help that I went after that horrible car crash.  They all thought I was in so much pain, but honestly I wasn’t – it all happened so quickly and before I knew it I was here, getting my induction and being told all the dos and don’ts…

ELSIE: Ridiculous, that’s what I call it.  Have you seen that bloody rule book they’re giving out now?  You’re meant to read it and know it all off by heart – and it’s about a foot thick.

JANE: I did find it difficult, especially the part where they said you weren’t to contact anyone on the other side.  I really wanted to let my Mum know I was OK, she was so upset…

ELSIE: Well, don’t even think about it love.  You know Gladys, from that cemetery a few miles up the road?  Anyway, she tried to contact her daughter and He found out about it, and He didn’t like it one little bit.  I’ve not seen her since.  They say she’s (lowers her voice to a whisper) been transferred….

JANE: (aghast) Do you think she’s alright?

ELSIE: I wouldn’t know, love.  I keep out of things like that, me.  She was a fool to even try it. I’ve never been one to break the rules and nor do I encourage rule breakers…you always know where you are that way.

WAITER: Can I tempt you?

JANE:  Oooh, yes please!  (To Elsie) Don’t you think it’s wonderful that we can have anything we want now?  I used to be allergic to shellfish, but now I can stuff myself silly with prawns!  (Jane takes four prawn vol au vents from the tray.  Elsie shakes her head and waves the waiter away)

ELSIE: The novelty soon wears off, you mark my words.  Just be careful, there are so many who’re doing as you’re doing, and they make themselves sick.  I like what I know…it’s never done me any harm before now. 

JANE:  (waving at two girls on the dance floor) Good advice as usual, Elsie.  I’m going for a dance.  Are you coming?

ELSIE: The suggestion!  It’s all very well, everyone saying we’re supposed to be ageless now, but honestly – it’s a ridiculous sight, someone like me on a dance floor.  Maybe I’ll have a few more of these (taps her glass) first…

JANE: OK then, see you later.  (Gives Elsie a kiss on the cheek).

ELSIE: See you, love…