Hmm.... another one up.
Comments! Please! :) I keep this park bench warm
for you, as I wait
on a Saturday afternoon.
Frosty, unfriendly November
breathes down my neck,
tugs at my coat, my hair.
My heart beats calmly,
while my thoughts repeat
the same question
again and again:
Why aren't you here?
Lovers, intertwined at the arm
and the heart,
glide effortlessly and
gracefully by,
while I sit on a bench
with stagnant lovesick thoughts.
Why do I feel so alone?
|
Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 15th December 2006 | liked the poem.. especially the line:
...intertwined at the arm
and the heart,
glide effortlessly and
gacefully by...
rilLie |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 16th December 2006 | I liked your second stanza -- the combination of cold November and a person sitting patiently, waiting for another. My heart would be beating with quiet rage, though, and the question I'd be asking myself would be 'What am I going to do to you when you finally show up?'
|
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 16th December 2006 | Really liked the line: with stagnant lovesick thoughts. In fact that whole verse is very good.
The first half is fine, but does not have the impact (for me) of the second.
All the best, Phil. |
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 16th December 2006 | I like this a lot KP. You set a good scene, I liked the second part especially. I could feel the frustration.
As mentioned above, I would be fuming and planning my revenge, hehe.
Best wishes,
E  |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 16th December 2006 | Liked this - second half also stronger for me than the first. only thing I'd say - in frosty November it is impossible to keep anything warm let alone a bench! Nice piece
Elli |
Written by IronMaiden (9 comments posted) 16th December 2006 | | I think it's a very visual poem. Very cleary clear images come accross well, and that's what made it so strong and effective. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 17th December 2006 | | I too enjoyed this poem. It seems to be written with a light, but nonetheless attentive, touch. For me the strongest stanza is the second- I love the phrase "Frosty, unfriendly November/breathes down my neck". The weak points for me are the last line (seems a bit obvious and cheesy) and the lovers gliding effortlessly by; for me it's a bit too flowery, I feel that if you described them as simply walking by it would be more realistic and therefore have a greater effect. Great work though. |
Written by shadowplay (41 comments posted) 19th December 2006 | I'll be honest with you: for me, you've fallen short of the mark here. I'm used to clicking on a poem of yours and being delighted... but this really doesn't delight me. I'm sorry. The elements are there, like 'stagnant lovesick thoughts'. That's fantastic.
The problems I have are these. Firstly, it seems too personal, and that rarely makes a good poem. Perhaps you could rectify this by moving it out of the first person, and bringing in more of the character's surroundings. Instead of describing emotion, could you perhaps say more by saying less? 'Frosty, unfriendly November' is a good example of this. Maybe introduce elements like.... I don't know, a crisp packet dancing alone in the breeze. By using objects that you can transpose all these feelings onto, you can highlight that sort of loneliness but determination to carry on without emotions ever being explicitly mentioned.
Secondly, there doesn't seem to be anything holding it together. I actually miss your rhyme. Yes, really! People will laugh, for I normally proselytise for free verse. However, I think you work best with that structure, which can be quite modest and understated for these gorgeous little lines to sit in. Without the form I think you get a bit lost.
I feel really mean now.  But my piece is said. | duuuude they like this one don't they?
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 15th February 2007 | your usual good stuff, tainted slightly.
I would lose the questions, those lines on their own, you don't need them there; they seem to be stating the obvious.
otherwise, I love it, but perhaps play around with the layout a bit, no reason why it shouldn't look purdy
clobo x |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
