Honestly, he doesn't ahve a clue

By the time I got home, Grace and Steve had already arrived for the Christmas holidays. Steve was lounging in my place on the sofa, watching my TV. Grace was upstairs, doing what I would have described as ‘tarting herself up’, if it had been anyone else other than my daughter.

After a few brief minutes she came downstairs, ready for a night out clubbing in Maidstone with her ex-school friends. Her hair, bleached blonde when last I saw her, was dark again. Her red eyelids matched her glossy lips, and she was wearing the tight strapless red dress we had bought her for last year’s prom.

She looked gorgeous. Such a change from two years ago, when her outfit would have been black, set off with torn dayglo yellow fishnets and Doc Martins. I waited for Steve to compliment her. Waited in vain. He really doesn’t get the whole relationship thing. He doesn’t realise that it is a process, not an end in itself.

"You scrub up well, darling", I tell her. I don’t want to be too complimentary and reveal the worthless wimp of a boyfriend for what he is.

"Thank you. Are you changing out of the clothes you have been travelling in all day, Steve?"

Steve looks at the jeans and brown Val Doonigan jumper he is wearing. "No."

It’s sweet, in a naïve way. He hasn’t yet learnt the basics of the Lexicon of Love. He thought that that was a question, not realising that it was in fact a ‘Question’. Love is a complex language, full of hidden meaning and pitfalls for the unwary. When she says you never listen to her, what she means, my dear innocent, is that you don’t listen to what she means. This is totally different to what she says. Let me explain.

She asked you if you were changing, but this was not what she meant. She wasn’t even asking a question. She was delivering a hint. She was suggesting that you should change. Watch the body language. Listen to the tone. Most especially, put the words in context. She has come home after a term at University. She is going out on the razz with you and her friends. She is engaged. They are not. She wants to show you off. She wants her friends to tell her that she has made the catch of the century. She wants to see just a hint of jealousy in their eyes. A Question is not a question, but a hint.

"OK" she replies.

Did you hear that slight hesitation, Steve? You really must learn to listen for these things, and understand them. That half second pause was rich with meaning. If it had been longer, you would have been in trouble. Longer, and she would have been forced to use a Hint. A two second pause would herald an argument later on in the evening, over something totally unrelated and totally your fault, and next time you had better listen to her.

That half second pause said something along the lines of ‘I would have preferred that you change. I let you know this, but you appear not to have noticed. But I am willing to give you this little victory this time. After all, you have volunteered to make so many concessions to me so far, becoming a vegetarian like me, joining the SWP like me, that I am prepared to give a little in return. It is a token of how much I love you.’

"You have packed some clothes to change into in the morning at Lizzy’s, haven’t you."

Ah. Here we have the classic Hint. A hint (lowercase) implies a choice. A Hint (uppercase) is an order. Even you, Steve, even you must be able to see this one coming.

"Yes, I put them in the bag with your stuff."

Phew, disaster averted. It’s true, it was more by luck than design, but well done that man. But pay attention. You do not ever want to go to the next stage. An Ultimatum. The equivalent of the doomsday weapon. When faced with an Ultimatum you have just one chance. It is a slim chance. You are probably already too far gone. But if you capitulate, totally and utterly, you might, just might, be able to continue along the relationship road.

God protect you from the Ultimatum, Steve. I would not wish that, even on the boy that is dating my daughter.