Scene Seven

The Golden Queen's throne room: A large golden chair is centre stage, flanked by two BLING BODYGUARDS. KIRBY, DIASY, NERVOUS, BRAVE, MINIKIRT and  REDSHIRT5 enter SR. They are accompanied by BLING BODYGUARD 3.

MINISKIRT: 
Well where is she?
DAISY: 
If she has the map already, why does she want to see us? Why doesn't she just go get the treasure?
NERVOUS: 
M...maybe the P... P... Professor h... hid it?
REDSHIRT5: 
I don't like this. It looks dangerous.
GUARD4: 
(Entering) Her most sparkling highness, the Golden Queen of Bling.

GOLDEN QUEEN enters to music (Killer Queen?) and sits in her throne.

GUARD3: 
You will kneel before her most dazzlingness.
KIRBY: 
We will not! (To QUEEN) your majesty; I am Captain Kirby of the P.A.N.T.S. ship Explorer PYT. We are here to...uh...
SKIRT: 
(Stage whisper) Negotiate the release of Professor Jones and his daughter.
KIRBY: 
Did you hear that?
QUEEN: 
Yes.
KIRBY: 
Then what she said.
QUEEN: 
No.
KIRBY: 
No?
QUEEN: 
No. I will tell you what you are here for. You are here to work for me. (To GUARD4) Barry? Bring them through.
GUARD4: 
Yes your most blingfullness.
BRAVE: 
(Stage whisper) Captain, please allow me to...
SKIRT: 
(Clamping her hand over his mouth) Shhhhh!

GUARD4 enters with PROFESSOR JONES and JENNY JONES. They are both bound hand and foot.

JONES: 
You're here! You came to rescue me!
JENNY: 
Us dad. They came to rescue me too.
JONES: 
Yes of course dear. How can I ever replay you Captain?
BRAVE: 
You could tell us what an archaeologist is doing in space.
SKIRT: 
Or what your daughter's name actually is?
DAISY: 
What did you do with the map?
QUEEN: 
Yes, the map. I'm so glad you brought that up. You see it came to my attention that Professor Jones here and his lovely daughter... Gemma... Jilly... eh, what's her name again?
JONES: 
Her name is... um... I err...
JENNY: 
Jenny.
My name is Jenny.
QUEEN: 
Right. As I was saying, Professor Jones was researching a wonderful little legend about a magical hoard of treasure when he found a map and several documents corroborating it's existence. Naturally I was intrigued. Treasure collecting happens to be one of my favourite hobbies (she laughs lightly).
DAISY: 
(Fiercely) That treasure belongs to my people. You will never get your hands on it.
QUEEN: 
On the contrary, my dear child. I will get my hands on it and you are going to help me do it.
DAISY: 
Never!
KIRBY: 
Why should we help you steal treasure?
QUEEN: 
Because if you don't, Professor and Jenny Jones will die a horrible, painful death at the hands of the golden executioner.

The JONES'S both gasp in horror.

BRAVE: 
But haven't you got the...
SKIRT: 
Shhhh! We don't know if she has.
QUEEN: 
The map? Yes I have the map of the catacombs in which the treasure is buried. But it is useless without a location to start with. The kind Professor here told me there was a riddle, the answer to which reveals the location of the entrance to the catacombs. You (pointing at the crew) will solve the riddle, follow the map and retrieve the treasure for me.
KIRBY: 
We'll never solve the riddle without the Professor.
JONES: 
Please, call me Daniel.
KIRBY: 
We'll never solve the riddle without Daniel.
QUEEN: 
Fine. You will take Jones and his little map and I will keep the daughter. If you haven't returned with the treasure in 24 hours Jilly dies.
JONES: 
Oh poor Jilly. I feel sorry for her. I hope she's not going to get killed for something she didn't do.
JENNY: 
It's Jenny! She means me dad.
QUEEN: 
Whatever, you'll still be dead.
SKIRT: 
Don't worry Jenny. We'll be back in time to save you, I promise.
DAISY: 
(Muttering) Not if I can help it.
JONES: 
Well come on then, we should hurry back to your ship and solve this riddle.
BRAVE: 
The shuttle is this way sir.
JONES: 
(Whining) Shuttle? I get so terribly space-sick. Can we just beam up? Or take one of those fancy glass telephone booths?
JENNY: 
No, dad. I am not dating Ted any more. Anyway, Bill never liked us using it, you know that.
SKIRT: 
You poor thing; and you've been stuck with him all this time?
JENNY: 
He's not so bad. He's just obsessed by presenting his work to the world, that's all.
SKIRT: 
Why don't I stay with you?
KIRBY: 
No, no. Let Redshirt stay. (Pushes REDSHIRT forward)
JENNY: 
(Linking arms with REDSHIRT5) Do you know he said for us to survive on the Commando ship one of us might have to eat the other?
RED5: 
Really?
JENNY: 
Yes, he said I'd taste quite nice fricasseed.
QUEEN: 
Enough! 24 hours starts now.

QUEEN sweeps out dramatically, followed by guards dragging JENNY with them. She calls out over her shoulder.

JENNY: 
Dad. Remember the clues. Remember the clues dad... it's too dangerous without them... DAD!!!

Those left on stage look at each other, slightly worried. JONES is smiling absently at them. Lights fade out, curtains close.

End of Scene Seven.

Scene Eight

The bridge of the explorer and the ready-room share the stage. JONES, DAISY and NERVOUS are working on the riddle. MINISKIRT brings in JONES'S research recovered from Flower4. On the bridge it is business as usual - everyone appears to be working hard.

SKIRT: 
Here is your journal Professor Jones.
JONES: 
(Covering his work with his arms). My what? Oh. Oh yes, thank you. (He takes the journal and flicks though it, still covering his papers).
DAISY: 
I think we can trust Starman Miniskirt not to steal your research Professor. You can relax your arms.
NERVOUS: 
W... what does... I mean, how d...does the riddle go again?
SKIRT: 
Yes Professor, read it out to us please? (She sits down next to JONES who moves his papers away slightly).
JONES: 
(Clears his throat) Eh hum. The riddle. The man who makes it does not want it. The man who buys it does not need it and the man who uses it does not know it.
DAISY: 
Why would you buy something you didn't need?
NERVOUS: 
M...maybe if you w... wanted to give it to someone else. L... like a present?
DAISY: 
Yes, a present!
JONES: 
The man who makes it doesn't need it. What about that part?
SKIRT: 
Well that's obvious. People in the present shops don't need the presents themselves, do they? They want the money for it!
DAISY: 
So someone sells something to someone who gives it to someone else. What about the last line.
JONES: 
The man who uses it doesn't know it?
NERVOUS: 
Feet.
DAISY: 
What?
SKIRT: 
What?
NERVOUS: 
Never mind. How c...can you not know you are using s...something.
JONES: 
Air?
DAISY: 
No, you know you are breathing, right?
SKIRT: 
What about if you are asleep?
JONES: 
Or dead.
NERVOUS: 
That's it. A coffin!
DAISY: 
You did it. Oh Nervous, you are a genius!
KIRBY: 
(Entering) what's all this yelling about?

JONES hides his papers again.

DAISY: 
Starman Nervous solved the riddle.
KIRBY: 
(Surprised) He did?
SKIRT: 
Yes he did. Well with our help of course. Tell him Nervous.
NERVOUS: 
It's a coffin.
KIRBY: 
I see. Well done. So where exactly is the entrance to the catacombs then?
NERVOUS: 
(down) I... I.... I d...don't know.
JONES: 
I do. Right here on the map it says G. Bushall, 1951 to 2005.
SKIRT: 
A grave? (She tries to peep at the map but he covers it)  Why would anyone bury treasure with a dead body?

NUMBER TWO bursts in and JONES leaps up and frantically tries to stuff the map down his trousers.

KIRBY: 
Yes Number Two?
TWO: 
Captain! I, err just wanted to know if you needed any help with that?
KIRBY: 
No, I think we can manage, thank you.

TWO exits, forlorn.

KIRBY: 
So, we're looking for the grave of G. Bushall. Who was he?
DAISY: 
Oh, I've heard of him. He was some journalist from the time of the ancients, although not a very good one apparently. They were so backward in those days they actually used to believe what they read in the newspapers!

Everyone looks puzzled as they try to imagine this.

NERVOUS: 
So where would he b... be buried?
DAISY: 
It must be in the ancient flower burial ground over in the petunia plains. That is a protected area.
SKIRT: 
Urgh, the entrance to the catacombs is through a grave. That's so gross.
KIRBY: 
Well done team (taps his badge). Joker, what's our position?
JOKER: 
We are just approaching Flower4 now sir.
KIRBY: 
Well that didn't take long, did it? Let's get ourselves down to this burial ground shall we?
DAISY: 
But what about Jenny's warnings? The clues and the danger?
JONES: 
Who?
DAISY: 
Jenny. You know, your daughter.
JONES: 
Yes, yes. I wonder how she is? Clues did you say? I have no idea what that's about.
NERVOUS: 
C... could this be the paper with the clues? (He holds up a piece of paper).
SKIRT: 
What does it say?
NERVOUS: 
Clues to help you get through the booby traps in the catacombs.
DAISY: 
That would be it then.
KIRBY: 
Good job. Bring them down to the Star Pod bay, we are off to find the treasure.

KIRBY begins walking towards the bridge and the others follow.

JONES: 
Oh but I do get so space-sick. Can't we use a transporter and beam down to the surface?
JOKER: 
There is no such thing as a transporter, Professor. I am afraid you have been reading too much science fiction.

Everyone turns to the audience and winks! Lights fade.

End of scene eight.

Scene Nine

Front of house curtains. It is dark and smoky; there is a gravestone far SL and far SR. KIRBY, TWO, GEEK, DAISY, BRAVE, NERVOUS, DAISY and JONES are all CS looking down at the ground. BRAVE and REDSHIRTS 6 and 7 are busy digging and making a meal out of it. Everyone except JONES and DAISY carry weapons. After a bit, BRAVE stops digging and taps the floor with his shovel. There is a clonking noise.

BRAVE: 
I think we are there Captain. I have hit some sort of metal.
GEEK:  
That must be the entrance then.
KIRBY: 
Good. Number Two inform the ship we have found the catacombs and are about to enter.

While TWO is communicating with the ship, the rest of the cream work at clearing away the dirt from the entrance and prising it open. The do so with a lot of effort and one big pull.

TWO:  
Two to Explorer, come in Commander Logic.
LOGIC: 
(OOV) Logic here sir.
TWO: 
We have found the entrance to the secret catacombs and are about to proceed. We may be out of communications range for some time.
LOGIC: 
Understood.
TWO: 
Is everything going according to protocol on board?
LOGIC: 
Yes sir. All personnel are performing to within ninety eight percent of acceptable parameters.
TWO: 
Good. What else?
LOGIC: 
We have found evidence of an unknown ship approaching on our long-range scanners, but it has made a great effort to avoid detection. So far it has not responded to hails.
TWO: 
Very well. Let us know if it gets any closer; Two out. (He rejoins the crew as they enter the catacombs by going through the curtains as they open).

The stage is dark, lit by a pale glow from afar. It is a smoky and mysterious cavern-like room littered with rocks and vines. DAISY is keen to explore and begins to wander off upstage.

NERVOUS: 
D...Daisy, be careful! Remember the warnings.
JONES: 
What is the first clue?
NERVOUS: 
(gets the paper out) B...b...
KIRBY: 
Allow me (snatches it from him) Beware the darkness; curb your fear; that's not the sound of thunder you hear.

As if on cue a rumbling noise like thunder can be heard. The crew all stand rooted to the spot.

JONES: 
What's that noise?
TWO: 
Is it an earthquake?
KIRBY: 
It's coming from over there (points upstage).
GEEK: 
That is the sound of something very heavy coming this way very fast.

They all look upstage at DAISY and shout together.

ALL:  
Run daisy! Run!

She runs as if in slow motion towards the front of the stage. The others flatten themselves towards the sides of the stage.

KIRBY: 
She's not going to make it!
JONES: 
Oh I can't watch.

BRAVE suddenly darts across the stage and pushes DAISY out of the way just in time! They land in a heap on the floor and everyone rushes over to help them up.

NERVOUS: 
Are you ok Daisy?
DAISY: 
You saved my life. Thank you.
BRAVE: 
You're very welcome.
JONES: 
Shall we press on?

They do a full circuit of the stage while JONES directs them from the map (a left here, straight on etc). They get to CS again and stop.

KIRBY: 
Why have we stopped?
TWO:  
It's a crossroads.
JONES: 
There is a warning sign on the map.
DAISY: 
Perhaps there is another booby trap here?
KIRBY: 
Your turn (hands the map to TWO).
TWO: 
Thank you Captain. Let's hope you've got a sense of smell; these foes leave no-one alive to tell.
JONES: 
Foes?
KIRBY: 
Sense of smell?
RED6:  
I don't like this one little bit.
RED7: 
Over there! Urgh!

He dies as if he has been shot by someone or something off stage. REDSHIRT 6 drags him to behind a rock. As the others see what is coming for them they all react. BRAVE stands to face it but is pulled down by KIRBY. JONES runs and hides quickly, TWO follows KIRBY closely. NERVOUS shields daisy and moves her into the corner. GEEK runs a little closer and hides so he can get a better view.

BRAVE: 
What are those things?
NERVOUS: 
The... they look like machines.
JONES: 
What is that awful smell?
KIRBY: 
It's disgusting.
RED6: 
We're done for this time.
TWO: 
Here they come.

Slowly, three mechanical beings appear SR. They are cone-shaped and are coincidently just big enough to fit a small person inside. They have flashing lights on top and a long thin gun on the front. The guns are firing at our heroes.

DAISY: 
Oh no. Garlics! They are mean, soulless killers and they smell worse than they kill. If we don't escape soon we will be overpowered by it.
GEEK: 
Draw their fire.
RED6: 
Uh uh, not me.
TWO: 
What for?
GEEK:  
So I can get close to one of them.
BRAVE: 
Captain, permission to...
KIRBY: 
Go for it, Brave!

BRAVE jumps up and begins leaping and rolling around the stage drawing the attention of the GARLICS, while GEEK sneaks up behind the last one and begins examining it. Eventually it notices and backs up enough to take a shot.

DAISY: 
Look out!
NERVOUS: 
Behind you!

GEEK and BRAVE both dive for cover.

GEEK: 
I have it Captain. If we disengage their neurogenic sub-processor from their electronic control matrix it should shut down their motion sequencers.
KIRBY: 
What?
GEEK: 
Shoot the flashy light thing on top with your star guns!
KIRBY: 
Oh, ok!

They all do this and one by one the GARLICS fall to the ground. Everyone coughs a little and holds their noses.

TWO: 
Well done Starman Geek.
JONES: 
(looking at the map) According to the map, the main burial chamber should be along this corridor.
KIRBY: 
Well what are we waiting for, there can't be any more booby traps, surely? (He walks quickly SR).
TWO: 
Captain, wait! The clues say...

Just as KIRBY reaches SR four sharp knives shoot out from offstage and he stops with inches to spare.

KIRBY: 
You could have warned me.
TWO: 
But... but...
DAISY: 
Never mind, no harm done. Shall we go around?

DAISY and NERVOUS lead the way around the stage and into the next chamber. The walk DS and the tabs close behind them.

JONES: 
Ah, here we are.
DAISY: 
The royal seal. This must be the entrance to the treasure chamber.
KIRBY: 
Well done team, we did it.
TWO: 
Not yet, there is one more clue left. It says there is no gold without a fight; take on Daft Vader with all your might.
KIRBY: 
Who is Daft Vader?
JONES: 
Fight? We have to fight?
NERVOUS: 
All of us?
BRAVE: 
I'll fight him.
DAISY: 
How could anyone survive down here for all these years?
GEEK: 
There is only one way to find out.

They turn to the curtains as the slowly open to reveal the treasure/burial chamber. A very large (full) sparkly treasure chest sits CS with a spotlight beaming down onto it. Upstage left and right there are three BLING BODYGUARDS. JENNY JONES crouches SL next to the treasure, and SR in front of the treasure stands the GOLDEN QUEEN, holding a light sabre in one hand and the head of DAFT VADER in the other, his body on the floor. She is triumphant.

QUEEN: 
Nice of you to join us! Ah ha ha ha!
KIRBY: 
The Golden Queen!
NERVOUS: 
What is she doing here?
JENNY: 
Father!
JONES: 
Jilly!
JENNY: 
Jenny.
TWO:  
Captain?
BRAVE: 
(pointing at the severed head) Daft Vader?
KIRBY: 
How on earth did you get passed us?
GEEK: 
How did they find their way through the catacombs without the map?
JENNY: 
They followed your ship all the way from Planet Bling. We have been right behind you the whole time. You let them right to the treasure.
QUEEN: 
Oh yes! We slipped past you while you were overcome by the smell of those silly Garlics. One of the advantages of being a Bling you know - a terrible sense of smell! Ha ha ha! Nothing can stop me now (she grabs handfuls of the treasure and holds it up to the sky).
DAISY: 
Get your hands of my treasure.
QUEEN: 
Oh your treasure is it? I don't think so flower girl. You see, I still have the Professor's daughter. You can't touch me if you want her to live.
TWO:  
What about the Redshirt?
JENNY: 
(Cheerfully) Eaten by rats.
QUEEN: 
Now if you will excuse me I have a hoard of magical treasure to steal and a galaxy to rule for an eternity.
DAISY: 
(rushing forward) You will not take this treasure away from my people!
QUEEN: 
Catch!

QUEEN throws the head to DAISY who catches it, then throws it away in disgust. She looks up to find QUEEN has the light sabre pointed at her chest.

QUEEN: 
This is the end of the road for you, little flower.

QUEEN raises her light sabre to strike and DAISY sinks to the floor in front of the treasure chest. Unseen by them, NERVOUS sneaks over to the body of DAFT VADER and grabs his light sabre. He leaps to DAISY'S rescue, blocking the fatal blow from the QUEEN'S sword.

NERVOUS: 
Not this time Goldilocks. (He helps DAISY to her feet, not taking his eyes off the QUEEN).
QUEEN: 
So, you have found yourself a champion? All right then, I will fight you. But if I win, the girl dies and I take the treasure.
NERVOUS: 
But if I win, the girl lives and you hand over the treasure and Jenny and leave this place for ever.
QUEEN: 
Of course. Now fight!

NERVOUS and QUEEN move to CS and take on fighting positions as everyone else moves to the sides. They begin a choreographed fight sequence to the song ‘I need a hero' taking the fight all over the stage, and into the audience.

At some point during the fight both warriors are nearly on the point of defeat but manage to escape. The QUEEN should also kill REDSHIRT6 by mistake. While QUEEN is on the floor, NERVOUS should grab DAISY and kiss her on the cheek, prompting her to escape from the BLING BODYGUARDS. KIRBY and JONES fight their way over to JENNY to rescue her and BRAVE and GEEK take on the other BODYGUARDS.

Finally, the QUEEN is defeated and NERVOUS spares her life, only to have her stab him in the back as he walks away.

DAISY: 
Noooooo!

DAISY grabs the Star Gun from the dead REDSHIRT and shoots the GOLDEN QUEEN, who makes a noisy and dramatic death scene. DAISY runs to NERVOUS, who is miraculously still alive, but only just.

DAISY: 
Nervous, hold on. Please don't die.
NERVOUS: 
D... Daisy. I... I love you.
DAISY: 
I love you too Starman Nervous. (She begins to cry and bows her head over him).
KIRBY: 
Hold on a minute. Is this treasure magical or what?
JONES: 
Of course. The healing ruby! It has the power to regenerate flesh.
GEEK: 
How does that work?
TWO: 
Will it work on a human?
KIRBY: 
What does it look like?

JONES goes over to the treasure and rummages around for a bit, pulling out a necklace set with a large red stone. JENNY snatches it and takes it over to DAISY who puts it carefully around NERVOUS'S neck. Everyone (including the BLING BODYGUARDS) crowd round to see what happens.

NERVOUS: 
(lifting his head) I... I feel much better now that you. (He gets up and hugs DAISY).
BRAVE: 
You sure showed her (pointing to the QUEEN).
NERVOUS: 
I sure did.

The BLING BODYGUARDS gather up their QUEEN and carry her out on their shoulders, funeral style. While the crew are watching them leave, DAISY grabs NERVOUS'S hand and the two of them sneak backwards and lift the treasure, taking it off the other side of the stage. Eventually the crew notice and are dumbstruck.

JONES: 
Err hum. Where is the treasure?
KIRBY: 
It's right he... the treasure - it's gone!
TWO:  
Gone where?
GEEK: 
The Blings can't have taken it. We were watching them the whole time.
JENNY: 
Just a minute. Where's Daisy?
BRAVE: 
And where is Starman Nervous?
KIRBY: 
I don't believe it. They've done a runner!
BRAVE: 
Who'd have guessed what lay behind that stutter?
JONES: 
The treasure! My life's work! It was right here and now it's gone.
JENNY: 
It's ok father. You have proved it real, that is a big achievement in my book.
JONES: 
Oh Jenny, you are a good daughter.

JENNY is so pleased he got her name right she hugs him.

KIRBY: 
Darn, P.A.N.T.S. command aren't going to be happy about this.
TWO:  
They knew about this?
KIRBY: 
Who do you think gave the professor his funding?
GEEK:  
Come on; let's go back to the ship.

Dejectedly they walk off as the curtains close.

End of scene nine.