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Poetry
the Void of Us
By IronMaiden
17 December 2006
just my experience... thanks for reading, if you do

Gripping the neck
of cold glass, arm stretched out.
Kaleidoscope of faces, grinning, laughing,
swimming past me.

Intimate
Close together, nothing
matters.

I have no body,
abstract pain, only soul
Only our spirits feel, yet bodies
packed tight, inhibitions gone.

Black sky pours, washing away.
Bare-footed stumbling,
No up or down, all is one.


Confusion is bliss, yet wet
concrete draws me closer,
Draws us forward, to grasp, to look
and laugh.



No world, only rain,
And only our void

Reviews

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 17th December 2006
Generally I really liked this. Couple of minor points- I'm not sure you need 'intimate' and 'close together' on top of eachother, bit of duplication and I wasn't sure about 'abstract pain'. 
 
It seems quite densely written which makes it hard to understand entirely what you're getting at but I liked it and enjoyed the read. Good first post. 
 
Elli 
 
ps. thanks for the review - you brought up a point I've been toying with so I may well take your suggestion.
Hi IronMaiden
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 17th December 2006
I liked this too especially the first stanza, it sets the overall atmosphere. I liked the ending too. 
 
Good piece. 
 
E:)

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 17th December 2006
Good first post. I would echo a lot of what Elli has said, especially 'abstract pain.' 
 
The first verse worked really well setting a very visual scene. 
 
Phil.

Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 19th December 2006
I liked this piece a lot. :grin this is on fictionpress, right? I read it there, too. :grin  
 
cheers, 
rilLie

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