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Drama Scripts
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| Dead Man Walking Tours | |
| Written by smcolenutt | ||||||||
| 07 March 2005 | ||||||||
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"It's a tale of Royalty, freemasonry, Nazi Gold and Voodoo!" FADE IN. EXT. A QUIET STREET SOMEWHERE IN WHITECHAPEL, the present A cobbled street with brick walls on either side. Swirling fog, so nothing is visible. A silhouette, possibly a human, moves quickly from left to right and can only just be made out in the mist. We then see a CLOSE UP of a Jack the Ripper tour poster. It is advertising BASTON'S tour. It reads: ‘Jack the Ripper tour party - A dissection of the myths from the facts of the legendary Whitechapel Killer. Price:£10.' We focus in on a picture of a women screaming and then we: CUT TO CLOSE UP of a man yawning. Then BASTON'S Jack the Ripper tour party is revealed, listening unenthusiastically to BASTON'S speech and looking very bored. We move past BARRY and then onto BASTON himself. BASTON
(Boringly) It was on this very spot on the early morning of Sunday the 30th September 1888 that Mrs Elizabeth Stride exhaled her last breath. She hadn't matured well, as her forty-five years frequently were mistaken for a higher age... STUPID TOURIST (Interrupting) I saw this movie where Jack the Ripper was a time traveller! BARRY Sorry, you're not allowed to ask Mr Baston any questions until the end. BASTON Movies? Madam, the cineastes who have addressed this subject have been alarmingly untroubled by the facts. And it is the facts alone that should concern us, no? STUPID TOURIST So that wasn't true? BASTON No it was not madam! OLD BUFFER Tourist So, this Ripper fellah, who was he? BASTON We cannot ascertain exactly who the Whitechapel murderer was, but I do identify... STUPID TOURIST And why couldn't Sherlock Holmes arrest him? BASTON Oh please! He is a fiction! He was never alive! STUPID TOURIST Sherlock Holmes isn't alive? BASTON I do identify... OLD BUFFER Tourist Dead eh? Damn that Moriarty! BARRY I think you're losing them, Mr Baston. BASTON Yes thank you Barry. Silence! (Beat) I do identify the likely suspects in one of my monographs... BASTON nudges BARRY who holds up BASTON'S weighty tome entitled "The Whitechapel Murderer' by Henry Baston BA." BARRY
Only nineteen ninety-nine! No cheques or cards. BASTON Onwards now to the tragic last moments of Catherine... BASTON is interrupted mid sentence as suddenly, there is a blood curdling scream from DAVE DEATH, a rival guide, performing to his rather more interested looking tour group. DEATH That was the sound that Catherine Eddowes made before she died. She'd been on the game for years but on this dark, foggy night in the nineteenth century, she met her doom. DEATH runs across the street and climbs onto a lamp post, his cloak swishing around as he moves. BASTON is fuming in the background as he sees his tour's hijacked. DEATH then jumps down and runs across the street, the crowd following. DEATH She would have seen Jack the Ripper - not a man but a total maniac! A frenzy in human form, madder than madness itself, his heart as black as the puddings he devoured for breakfast. (Turns to girl in crowd) Yes, my young friend, black puddings - puddings made entirely of blood! BASTON looks too shocked to be able to say anything, his jaw moving but nothing coming out. DEATH then runs back across the street and hangs off the lamp post. DEATH ‘Fancy a good time?' says our Cathy. Our man Jack, then says ‘Oh yes, that would be blindin'. And quick as a wink, pulls his blade and kills her! DEATH then mimes stabbing himself with one of his own flyers. Now BASTON boils over. BASTON
No. No. No. That is a falsehood. DEATH Aha, we have a doubter in our midst? BASTON That I am sir and what you're saying is incorrect. It might have occurred... DEATH swirls his cloak around BASTON cutting him off. It has ‘DEADLY DAVE DEATH: probably the best ripper tour in the world' emblazoned on the back. DEATH continues, ignoring BASTON totally.
DEATH
(Interrupting) Good evening, Dave Death: tour guide extraordinaire, your humble servant! Now who wants to know the truth about Saucy Jack? Hmm? The two groups have formed a circle around DEATH while BASTON tries to regain his group's attention.
BASTON
But your ‘truth' can only be speculation! No one is sure of the Whitechapel murderer's identity. DEATH You mean all these people have given their hard-earned cash. And you don't even tell them who the ripper was? BASTON (Flustered) Well, I... DEATH (Cheesily) In fact you might say your tour is feeling a bit ‘rippered off'? There is general agreement from the crowd, set against BASTON'S blustering.
STUPID TOURIST
(To DEATH) So do you know who the Ripper is? DEATH (Mysteriously) I do! Indeed I do. (Beat) I conclusively prove the Ripper's identity - it's a tale of Royalty, freemasonry, Nazi Gold and Voodoo! BARRY Cobblers! OLD Buffer TOURIST Them as well? STUPID TOURIST How much do you charge? DEATH I'll give you a ten per cent discount since you've missed the first half. Call it a tenner. Almost all of BASTON'S crowd moves towards DEATH waving their £10 notes. BASTON tries to protest but in vain.
BASTON
STOP! Don't have a regard for this charlatan! DEATH Okay my friends, this way to discover the secrets of the true Ripper! DEATH at the back of departing crowd gives BASTON a two fingered salute, then runs off, BASTON turns to BARRY in despair BARRY
Pint? INT. FLEUR'S PUB - DAY BASTON and BARRY sat at the bar, draining their pint glasses of beer. BASTON
The cheek of the man, that's what guile's me - the cheek! BARRY He was totally out of order to pinch our tour like that! FLEUR walks over to collect their empty glasses FLEUR
So where's all your punters tonight? BASTON Ah, sunshine of my life. Alas, a bounder has encroached upon the important work that is our humble bread and butter. FLEUR Some bloke nickin' your trade eh? BASTON Yes. But the worst thing is his deviations from the accepted lore. BARRY Yeah and all the stuff he made up! FLEUR Well maybe there should be some deviation from our arrangement. BASTON My dear Fleur, I'm not sure I follow? FLEUR Well, no customers for me, means no retainer for you, or lunch for Barry. BARRY No free chips? We've got to do something Mr Baston. Make it more exciting! BASTON Principles, Barry. Principles. FLEUR Principles? You're the one profiting from murder. BASTON Proper scholastic tours are our calling! Substance not style is what our public deserve, and its what they'll get! MONTAGE SEQUENCE: THE GAMES BEGIN EXT. MITRE SQUARE BASTON in mid flow during a tour but his crowd just desert him to go over to DEATH'S group. INT. BACK OF FLEURS PUB Barry fixing a blood bag to himself. INT. FLEURS PUB FLEUR behind the bar surveying an almost-empty pub. EXT. MITRE SQUARE BASTON is again preaching his academic tour, when DEATH comes in swirls his cape over the head of BASTON, and then steals away BASTON'S tour party. INT. BACK OF FLEURS PUB BARRY fixes another blood bag to himself. INT. FLEURS PUB FLEUR playing tiddlywinks on the empty bar. EXT. MITRE SQUARE BASTON tries to swirl a cape like DEATH during a tour but gets it tangled up and trips over. INT. BACK OF FLEURS PUB Barry fixes the last of his blood bags. Then BASTON opens a door onto BARRY, bursting them prematurely. INT. FLEURS PUB BASTON is looking at BARRY'S unseen chest shaking his head. BARRY shrugs and turns around just as FLEUR comes in and we(and her)see the hilt of a knife and lots of blood sticking out of his chest. Shocked she drops the glass she was carrying but it is actually all fake. EXT. THE TEN BELLS PUB DEATH is ushering his tour party into the pub and is given a roll of £10 notes by the landlord. After they turn to enter, we see BARRY in the distance. He's wearing a sandwich board advertising BASTON'S tour standing forlornly, but he's spotted the money. END OF MONTAGE SEQUENCE INT. Fleur's Pub - day FLEUR
Look at it, Friday night and it's a graveyard, can't you do something about it Henry? BASTON The old grey stuff will have to ponder this conundrum. BARRY enters the pub and takes off his sandwich board. BARRY
Just seen Death down the Ten Bells. He's a fair sized crowd and getting a backhander off the landlord! FLEUR So the Ten flamin' Bells nicked my trade? Bastards! BASTON Decorum my dear. We need to see off this scoundrel somehow. Thoughts anyone? BARRY What about my fake knife? I could pretend to be attacked during the tour! BARRY brandishes his knife FLEUR
Be careful with that will you! It gave me a right turn! BASTON has a eureka moment. BASTON
Yes, yes that's it! Hoist him by his own petard! We can get actors, costumes, props, the whole kit and caboodle! Then leave him tasting the bitter vittels of defeat FLEUR And how are you going to pay for all of this? Your slate is building up. BASTON Ah well, no need for great expense - we can do it ourselves. Barry - props. No, wait - I shall do the props as we need to get it right. And Fleur - you're our lady of the night. FLEUR Me? Play a prostitute? BASTON Absolutely, you're perfect! FLEUR What? Henry Baston! BARRY (Interrupting) He means you're a feisty east end lady, don't you Mr B? BASTON (Under his breath) Oh yes, definitely feisty. (Normal voice) Let's charge our glasses and toast our new endeavour! FLEUR Fine, but you'll have to cough up for it. BASTON Ah. How about a half then, and a glass of water for the lad? EXT. WHITECHAPEL - EVENING DEATH is making his way down a somehow foggy street with his crowd. A mysterious man, who is wearing a top hat, is following them. DEATH makes the scream, with much less effort than before. DEATH
That was the sound that Catherine Eddowes made before she died. She'd been on the game for years but on this dark, foggy night last century - no, the one before - she met her doom. The man in the top hat walks through the middle of DEATH'S group - and reveals himself as BASTON. The crowd parts to allow BASTON to walk through them.
BASTON
It was on this very spot on the early morning of Sunday the 30th September 1888 that Mrs Elizabeth Stride expired her last breaths. DEATH tries interrupting but BASTON merely opens his arms, obscuring DEATH from view with his cloak. He drops one arm revealing FLEUR in full ‘Victorian prostitute' costume. RANDOM TOURIST
Are we charged extra for this? DEATH Ladies and gentlemen, if we could just reconvene... BASTON takes off his top hat - bopping DEATH on the nose with it. He points to FLEUR BASTON
She hadn't matured well, as her forty-five years frequently were mistaken for a higher age. FLEUR (Whispering) How would The Ripper like to limp home? BASTON Despite this, she did have a marvellous figure, gorgeous eyes and a charming personality. But that didn't matter to Jack. DEATH Look, you've had your fun. Several members of the crowd shush him. BASTON
In fact the Ripper was only interested in one thing. BASTON suddenly brandishes a knife with a twelve-inch blade. BASTON Forcing Mrs Stride to the corner, he slit her throat! BASTON slits FLEUR'S throat, and she falls to the floor. BARRY in Victorian dress and carrying a smoke-machine and a music system, then runs over to FLEUR. BASTON
But the Ripper was interrupted, so didn't butcher her. But he needed... BARRY She's dead. BASTON (Still in character) Yes. The Ripper had made yet another kill. BARRY No, she's really dead. There's no pulse! A bright red splash of arterial blood shoots over BASTON. Some of the crowd either scream or faint. BASTON
Barry, where you did get this fake knife from? BARRY What fake knife? You said were doing the props! BASTON (Horrified) Oh... bloody hell! The wall behind BASTON is now filled with the reflections of blue flashing lights and police radios can be heard. FADE TO: CAPTION:- ONE MONTH LATER... EXT. WHITECHAPEL, LONDON - DAY We see a CLOSE UP of BASTON'S Jack the Ripper tour poster. Which is then covered up by an a new poster pasted over it advertising DEATH'S tour; ‘Jack the Ripper tour - An entertaining walk with the famous mass murderer of old London town Price:£11' We focus in on a picture of a DEATH gurning on his poster and then we: CUT TO CLOSE UP of a man yawning. Then DEATHS Jack the Ripper tour party is revealed, listening unenthusiastically to DEATH'S speech. His crowd is a fair size, but his performance isn't quite as sharp. He doesn't even attempt the scream. DEATH
Ah! That was the sound that Catherine Eddowes made before she died. She'd been on the game for years but on this dark, foggy night last century - no, the one before - she met her doom.. DEATH walks across the street to MITRE SQUARE leans against a lamppost, but before he can continue we see BARRY and a larger tour party. Two MIME ARTISTS are revealed behind BARRY (actually FLEUR and BASTON in disguise) then act-out BARRY'S commentary. BARRY
It was here that the greatest crime of all occurred. Henry ‘The Butcher' Baston began his lethal last tour. He drew out his knife. The mime of BASTON reveals a large, obviously false, cardboard knife
DEATH
Er, Catherine Eddowes... BARRY (CONT.) And slit the throat of his first victim Fleur - the local publican. Then the butcher Baston took his knife to the crowd! After the mime of FLEUR dies very exaggeratedly, the mime of BASTON waves the fake-knife at the crowd and they laugh. He then mock stabs a few. DEATH is devastated at seeing the re-enactment and is having difficulty with his lines.
DEATH
‘F-F-Fancy a good time?' says our Cathy. Our man Jack, then says... Some of the crowd accidentally stand on the bottom of DEATHS cloak ripping it off him as he moves away. BARRY
(Interrupting) After his tour group massacre he tried to make good his escape but was caught... BARRY whips out a plastic police helmet BARRY (CONT.)
...by the boys in blue. The mime of BASTON mimes having his arm twisted behind his back and being led off. YOUNG TOURIST
How much do you charge? Moments later, BARRY'S very large tour continue off into the distance. Meanwhile, DEATH is deflated. The scene pulls back to reveal the two mimes in front of a poster for BARRY'S tour, they lift up their masks to reveal their identities. BASTON
Should we tell him? FLEUR Na. CUT TO BLACK. END
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