Frost is not a Jack, but frigid Jill.
She wears a razor-sequined gown
upon a jagged, spiky frame of
broken icy shards that cut.
Her scent is arctic sharp
breath sweet but deathly cold,
a kiss of liquid nitrogen.
Cryogenic sex means death
for those who choose to sleep
in her loveless embrace.
For when your very core,
is frozen, blood becomes a
crimson slush and slows to stop.
A brain thus starved knows calm,
the soul knows freedom,
the blue-lipped face, the frozen eyes,
know her eternal vengeance.
Oli 17/12/06
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Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 17th December 2006 |
I've had a quiet day today Oli and so I've been logged on here for most of it. It's been pretty quiet on the poetry front - 'til now.
Stark and very effective description and images. The way this is written, Jack could only be a Jill. Loved the first six lines. (The rest is great too)
All the best, Phil. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 17th December 2006 |
I too like these images. The frozen breath and kiss of liquid nitrogen in particular.
Just reading this made me feel cold! Remind me to look this one up next time I have to spend a summer back in California.
I've just been reading a book about men climbing the North Face in winter and getting stuck there. Frostbite, and descriptions of cold that would be refreshing in summer, but not very pleasant in winter. Funny coincidence. |
Written by IronMaiden (9 comments posted) 17th December 2006 |
I like the feeling of this poem too. It's different and well written, but a bit awkward to read in some places (although that could just be me...).
A few things:
"She wears a razor-sequined gown
upon a jagged, spiky frame of
broken icy shards that cut."
jagged, spiky, and broken ice shards all say the same thing. You could try something like "upon a frame of jagged, icy shards."
I like the mention of liquid nitrogen - that was probably the most original way of phrasing it in this poem. But you do linger on explaining how cold she is for about the first 6 lines, throwing in many different ways of saying "she's cold!". You don't need that - stick to one or two and get on with the poem. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 17th December 2006 |
Loved this Oli. I do think that lines 2-4 could be polished but there are any number of ways in which you could do that! This left me with a really strong image, thought it was really good.
Elli |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 18th December 2006 |
| For me there's a bit too much in this poem. It feels too crammed with metaphors- and why does something cold and frosty have to be female? Seems a bit stereotypical. Not a bad poem, just didn't do it for me. |
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 18th December 2006 |
Very poignant in its imagery and descriptions. I liked it very much. I really liked the "arctic sharp" scent, and the kiss of liquid nitrogen. I also liked the last four lines.
It's intensity made me wonder whether it was actually the frost you were describing, or a woman...
Best wishes,
E |
Written by Novu (12 comments posted) 18th December 2006 |
Intense and artfully expressed.
I believe you mention 'frozen' twice, which could possibly be substituted for another word.
I am impressed with your first line. A eye for observation, the changing of a figure 'Jack Frost' that most people are familiar with, yet you dissolve the connotations and draw an image of a frosty female instead.
'broken icy shards that cut' - this line doesn't sound as good as the rest, not sure how you could improve it though.
As a whole, I enjoyed this. It reminded me of a poem I by Keats; all the different words he used to describe the coldness of winter.
Thanks
Novu |
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