This is a follow-up to my 'Nothing Changes...' piece, still me experimenting with dialogue and scripting in general really.  I'm not sure how well this reads or if the ending is any less dodgy than my previous effort, but it was fun to write. 

(I'll happily stop inflicting these experiments on the GW public if generally agreed it's all a load of rubbish!  )

The church organ is playing sombre music as the mourners shuffle quietly in and take their seats in the pews.  Elsie is sitting at the back of the church with her husband Ken, a stout, unassuming man with white hair.  They are both carefully observing the people coming in. 

ELSIE: What did I tell you?  Karen wore pink to mine as well.  Bloody nerve she’s got.  I mean, grey would’ve been alright, maybe even brown…but pink?  (Folds arms) She should show a bit of respect for the dead.

KEN:  Els, you always said you thought people should wear what they wanted to funerals…

ELSIE: Yes…but I never said pink was acceptable, did I? I’m only thinking of her anyway…no point in looking an idiot when everyone else’s in black and you’re in pink – the colour of birth, not death I might add.  (Shakes head and tuts) Silly girl. 

KEN: (exhales loudly) She’s our daughter.  She can wear what she wants, far as I’m concerned.  Besides, I haven’t heard anyone say anything.

ELSIE: (sniffs as she looks round the church) You’ve got a good turnout, I’ll give you that.

KEN: Yes, I’m quite pleased actually.  Better than yours, but then I think folks were waiting for me to go so they could mourn us together.  They all knew it’d just be a matter of time…

ELSIE: (Chuckles and grabs Ken’s arm) Couldn’t live without me, could you love…

KEN: Well I must say that heart attack didn’t exactly take me by surprise.  I saw it coming.  Mind you, I nearly had another one when I opened my eyes and saw you standing over me.

ELSIE: (smiles) Your angel come back for you, wasn’t I love? 

KEN: (raises eyebrow) Something like that, I suppose…

ELSIE: I must say, I am glad you’re here now.  I felt like a right gooseberry at all those parties and dances, especially after Gloria’s Kevin broke his neck falling down the stairs last month.  He’d just had that hip replacement as well…bloody waste of money that turned out to be.  (Sighs) I must say though, I don’t much fancy his chances of sticking around here much longer, not since he exposed himself to that young lady at the cemetery the other week…He’s bound to hear about that, you know.

KEN: Sshhh, Els…they’re starting….

VICAR: Good afternoon everybody.  We are here today to celebrate the life of Kenneth Alan Carter, a loving father and a much loved man of principle.   He was well regarded by everyone he met… 

KEN: (whispering) This is so strange, you know…sitting here at your own funeral. 

ELSIE: (looks irritated) Why are you whispering?  (Raises voice) It’s not as if anyone can hear you, is it?

KEN:  (still whispering) Sorry.  I’m not used to all this, yet.  I’m not used to being called Kenneth, either.  So impersonal, all this…

VICAR: …Kenneth was a real homebody who revelled not in taking fancy holidays abroad and wearing designer clothes, but in spending time with his family and beloved rescued pets, of which he had many.   His kindness knew no bounds; he was a Good Samaritan in every sense of the word, always willing to lend a hand to anyone who needed it...

ELSIE: (tuts) Anyone would think they’d just made you a saint.  (Stands up and addresses the vicar in a loud voice) It’s all very well saying that… you didn’t have to live with him for 30 years.  Never had to clean out that bloody bath after he'd been in it, did he?  Or feed those stinking strays he used to bring in with him.  Dogs one day, cats the next, rabbits the day after.  I never knew what to expect, and as for all that money I wasted on carpets… (Sits down again, shaking her head) 

ELSIE: What did I tell you?  It’s like they’re talking about a different person.  As for resting in peace, ha!  Not with those bloody rock concerts they keep putting on at that cemetery up the road.  (Looks up at the ceiling, trying to think) Who is it tonight?…Ginny Hendrix I think Jane said earlier.  Never did care for all that noise, you’d think there’d be some release from it after you’d gone, but no…

KEN: (oblivious to Elsie’s chatter) That vicar’s made me think.  I never did anything with my life, did I?  Always too scared of what might happen if I did anything too daring; old stick in the mud might have been a better way for him to describe me. (Stands up) Well, all that’s going to change.  I've just realised...there’s no reason to be scared of anything any more.

ELSIE: What are you going on about, love?

KEN:  (sits back down, takes Elsie’s hand) We’ve been married a long time Els…and you of all people know I’m a man of my word.  But…do you think they might say “til death us do part…” for a reason?

ELSIE: (confused) What?

KEN: All I’m saying is that I…we…have this wonderful new world now.  You’re not limping any more; I’m not living in fear of a heart attack like I’ve done for the past ten years.  I could run round the block a hundred times, it’s a marvellous feeling.  I could throw myself off a cliff right now and I’d be flying!  (Looks over at his coffin) I can’t tell you how free I feel right now, Els.  I tell you, this funeral’s all about saying goodbye to the old Ken.  (There is a long pause as Ken looks down at the floor and speaks slowly) I think we should…take a little break.  Discover our new souls properly.

ELSIE: Well…we could go to the Cotswolds for the weekend.  You always loved that little cottage and you know we don’t have to save up now… We could...

KEN: (interrupting) Els, I mean a break from us.  After all, we’re not really married any more now are we?  We can just go with the flow, maybe see other people, experience new things.  (Grins) This is great… (jumps up and shouts at the congregation) I’M NOT SCARED OF ANYTHING ANY MORE!

ELSIE: (stands up and shouts back) I knew it!  You had your eye on that slut Sue ever since you got here, didn’t you?  Well if you think I’m going to sit back while you make an idiot out of me, you’ve got another think coming.  Oh – and just in case you’ve any ideas, Sue’s Eddie will be here any time now.  He’s got bowel cancer and from what I’ve heard it’s just a matter of days, so I wouldn’t go getting any ideas in that direction…

KEN: (angrily) I’ve had enough of this.  Do you think living with you for 30 years was any fun for me?  Why do you think I had all those bloody animals in the first place?  The longer I spent with them, the less time I had to spend with you.  I adored you?  Don’t make me laugh. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when I saw your repulsive, twisted face again.  I thought I’d died and gone straight to bloody Hell.  Well no more, Els…that’s me done.  I’m going to have some fun for the first time ever and there’s NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME!

KAREN:(whispers to her husband) You know, I’ve got a feeling they’re both here, looking over us all and smiling.  It’s so comforting to think they’re united in Heaven...they can finally rest in peace...