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By IronMaiden
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20 December 2006 |
My hand shakes near him So close to his smiling lips, Then he turns away
Solid back I seeOf the one who once loved me Walking out the door
An empty room leftRoses stirring in the vase I turn away too |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 20th December 2006 | Pretty bleak stuff.
Phil. |
Written by Thatllbemethen (83 comments posted) 21st December 2006 | I agree it's bleak but I like the brevity.
Last verse a little confusing, the room seemed to be empty whilst you were still there and do roses stir in a vase?
It seems I liked this poem so much that I have felt compelled to suggest a slightly different last verse.
I would have liked to have written this poem myself but not to have experienced it personally. Excellent.
I turn away too
An empty room left
But for two roses wilting in a vase |
Written by ellipinnock (1786 comments posted) 21st December 2006 | I love this as a basis but think it needs work. I think that by phrasing this as 3 haikus you make it somewhat awkward in places and lose the whole point of a haiku so if I were you I'd be tempted to relax the structure a bit and therefore make it easier to tweak. For me this could be a really strong piece but at the moment it feels a it shoehorned into a form that doesnt quite fit.#
Elli |
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