Great Writing - Home > Scripts > The Emperor's Legacy, Act Six (Last one!)
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1837 guests online and 4 members online
Drama Scripts
The Emperor's Legacy, Act Six (Last one!)
By Witzl
20 December 2006
This is the final act. Once again, please check for insidious Americanisms. In editing this just now, I even found one myself.

EDWARD:  Father of Morrison clan, ex-POW and Alzheimer's sufferer
HERBERT:  Oldest son
VALERIE:  Herbert's wife
STEPHEN:  Second brother
DIANE:  Stephen's wife (American)
ADAM: Youngest Morrison son
KIMIYO: Adam's wife of four months (Japanese)
GWEN:  Edward's youngest child and only daughter
COLIN: Stephen and Diane's son
PAUL:  Herbert and Valerie's son, a recluse

ACT VI

(About half an hour later. The same group, minus Edward, are still sitting in the living room. There are now several bottles and glasses on the coffee table. The tea tray is still there, but the food is largely untouched. Empty glasses are in front of everyone; two gin bottles – one empty and one with half a bottle left –  are an arm’s reach away from Valerie)

VALERIE:  (Merrily, obviously three sheets to the wind) So there I was in this suit
that had cost me hundreds of pounds – and the table was still covered with food, mind you – ice sculptures and pates and smoked salmon and caviar – and everything, including me, had wine punch all over it – little purple pools all beaded up in the cream cheese – (looking up in surprise as the front door suddenly bursts open and STEPHEN and DIANE  enter)

DIANE:  (Rubbing her hands together) Sorry it took us so long!. Colin’s just outside making a phone call. Lord, is it cold out there! (Coming into the room and sitting down)

VALERIE: (Cheerily) Join us for a drink and you’ll soon warm up!  We’ve been making merry. (Smiling at the group around her) Haven’t we? Ruining our appetites for goose on gin and orange juice. All but our new sister-in-law, who’s had nothing but orange juice! (Turning to Kimiyo and speaking in exaggeratedly correct English) Don’t you drink at all, then?

KIMIYO:  (Despairingly) I like to drink, but – just now I think it is better if I – (she shoots Adam a ‘Should I tell them?’ look and he shakes his head at her)

STEPHEN:  (Glancing around the room) Where’s Dad?

VALERIE:  (Loudly) He’s – well, he’s buggered off again. (Turning to Kimiyo) You know that word? Buggered? Good British word, that:  bugger, bugger, bugger. You
know what it means? It means –

ADAM:  (Shooting an anxious look at Kimiyo and hastening to interrupt Valerie ) He’s just resting right now. I think the morning’s tired him out.

STEPHEN:  (Pursing his lips and nodding) Where’s Herbert, for that matter?

VALERIE:  (Slurring her words slightly) Off on one of his walks. My husband, the walker. He walks and walks and walks. . . (taking a sip from her glass)  Every day – every night. Out there – walking. Where’s he walking? Don’t know. But – (sips from her glass) – he’s walking. Walking – the line. No, no – (she starts to laugh) not the line! That’s the only thing he doesn’t walk. . .  (An uneasy silence begins to fill the room, but VALERIE gives no sign of noticing this as she continues) The problem with Herbert, you know – absolutely wonderful husband, you understand – I couldn’t ask for better – and a decent man, a really decent man. (She frowns and sips from her glass again) No, no –the problem with him is – the main problem, you see – (she turns to look at Kimiyo owlishly and begins to enunciate her words too carefully) – you see, he was the oldest, Herbert, so he ended up having to be father and mother to the little ones after their mother – well, you know.

STEPHEN:  (Nervously) Look, Val, do you want me to get you a cup of coffee?

VALERIE:  (Looking at him critically, with exasperation) Now why would I need coffee? No. No thank you to the coffee. I was just telling you – telling everyone here anyway – about Herbert. How he ended up raising you all, see. Now to this day – to this day he can load a washing machine better than I can.  He can cook the roast, bake the cake, hoover the floor – don’t know why he married me, really, because – (she now leans forward and whispers conspiratorially to both GWEN and KIMIYO who, in turn, look shocked and embarrassed for her) – because really, he doesn’t need me. Big family secret, you see – he’s – he’s (she leans forward again and stage-whispers this in an exaggerated way, cupping one hand over the side of her mouth) –  he’s gay.  G-A-Y.  That’s – well you know – gay as an Ace of spades. (Frowning, then laughing and shaking her head) No!  No, that’s not what I mean – gay as – gay as Paree. Gay as a French pony.   (The room is filled with a stony silence during which no one dares look at anyone else. Valerie gives the impression that she alone is unaffected, still sipping from her drink and nodding her head. The front door suddenly opens and COLIN bursts in)

COLIN:  (Carrying a bag full of gifts over one arm and still clutching his mobile
phone)
 Sorry!  Bit of a mix-up there with my agent, and it’s not even sorted out yet. (He looks happily around at the assembled guests) Hello, everyone!

VALERIE:  (Suddenly clapping her hand over her mouth as she is taken by a fit of giggling) Hello, Colin! 

(Stephen walks over to VALERIE, he bends down to whisper something to her when all of a sudden there is the sound of someone pounding down the stairs and the everyone in the room starts.  STEPHEN straightens up again and goes and sits down close to Diane)

ADAM:  (Leaning forward to address Colin) Colin, this is Kimiyo, Kimiyo, Colin.

KIMIYO:  (Shyly) Hello, Colin. Nice to meet you.

COLIN:  (Leaning forward to shake her hand, facing the door) Nice to meet you too, Kimiyo. Hello, Granddad. (Everyone turns around to see EDWARD standing in the doorway. )

COLIN:   Here Granddad – you have this chair; actually I’ve got to go and make another phone call anyway. I won’t be long – back in a tick! (He exits)   

EDWARD:  (Clearing his throat, suddenly addressing Kimiyo) Funny thing I was just thinking about – just now. What was it they called pumpkin? Koh-chah? 

KIMIYO:  (Softly) No, no – koh-chah, that is tea, dark tea like British people drink. Pumpkin is kabocha.

EDWARD:  (Nodding) Ka-bo-cha. Yes, that was it. (He nods to himself again,

obviously lost in thought. The people in the room trade quick glances with each other and wait nervously)

STEPHEN:  (Impatiently) What about the pumpkin, Dad?

EDWARD:  (Staring at Stephen blankly) What?

STEPHEN:  (With controlled irritation) You asked Kimiyo about pumpkin just now – how to say it in Japanese. What about it?

EDWARD:  (Reflectively) You know, speaking of pumpkins, the pumpkins they have there don’t look like anything you’ve ever seen here. Squat green things, they are, more like a squash – bright orange inside, of course – (He stops talking and stares into space for some time)

KIMIYO:  (Cautiously feeling her way, as though guessing what he is trying to say) Many older people, they say pumpkin and cabbage – they eat those during war. Almost only food they have, then, everything else gone, no rice, no meat, no fish. Only they have snails. Always – pumpkin, cabbage and snails.

VALERIE:  (Brightly) Snails? What, like escargot?

KIMIYO: (Smiling) Well, maybe – except no garlic, no butter, no salt or herb –

EDWARD:  (Thoughtfully)  Always wondered why she’d done it. Well before the end of the war, you see, when we finally got out of the camp and into the countryside. She was waiting there, by the side of the road. We were passing along – it was late, too, very late – and so cold –

STEPHEN:  (Staring intently at his father) Who, Dad? Who was waiting?

EDWARD:  (Glancing up at Stephen)  Woman. Maybe fifties, sixties – hard to tell with Japs, you know. And she had this pumpkin – she’d cut it in half – and she handed it to us and said – (he frowns, turning to Kimiyo) How d’you say it again?

KIMIYO:  Ka-bo-cha.

EDWARD:  (Nodding) ‘Kabocha’ she says, and then she holds it out to us and
says‘Take.’  We took it, too – ate the whole thing, seeds, peel and all. First vegetable we’d had in weeks. Used to eat egg shells too, did I ever tell you that? (He stares around the room at his children, who all shake their heads, then stares down at the floor)  Well. . . I did. We all did. Get an egg – rare treat. Pop the whole thing in your mouth, shell and all. Crunch it down. (He stares down at the floor again for a long time. Everyone in the room is silent, waiting for Edward to speak again, but after a while it becomes apparent that he has fallen asleep)

STEPHEN:  (Very softly) You know – I’ve been waiting to hear him say something – anything – about the war, oh, all my life I suppose. I never thought he would. I thought it would all – you know, die with him.

GWEN:  (Suddenly)  What you said earlier, Valerie, about Mum – when you said ‘you know’ – what did you mean by that?

VALERIE:  (Valerie has been sitting for the past few minutes, hanging her head and rocking from side to side gently. She now looks up, puzzled) Mmm? What did I say?

GWEN:  (Insistent) You said something about Herbert having to take care of us. Because he was the oldest. You said ‘After your mother’ –and then you said ‘you know.’  But the thing is – we don’t know. Well, I don’t, anyway, and I’m pretty sure that Adam doesn’t either. (She gestures at her sleeping father) He’s always said that Mum got ill and died. And Herbert and Simon – and you too, Stephen – you’ve always sworn that was what happened.

ADAM:  (Nodding) Post-partum depression, I think they said -- something like that, anyway.

GWEN:  But after reading her diaries, see – (she shakes her head). There’s nothing in them about her being sick – nothing like that at all. But there’s plenty about Dad, about how angry he used to get, how he’d wake up punching her, screaming  – always angry, always taking it out on her. You know what she wrote? She wrote that her life was a living hell. That the bruises she had outside were as nothing to the ones she  had inside.

STEPHEN:  (Fidgeting) Shouldn’t someone be checking on the goose or something? Basting it?

GWEN:  (Angrily) No, Stephen. We should be talking about Mum and what happened to her. I just want to know – that’s all! Just – tell me. Say it. I’ve been reading her diaries ever since I got them, and I know she was – well, miserable. Dad took it out on her – (gesturing angrily with her hands) – no, sit down, Stephen, for God’s sake. He took it out on her mentally and physically. So – I know that already, right? And now I want to know the rest. Just tell me, or so help me God, I’ll go and find out on my own –

HERBERT:  (Stepping out from the front door entrance where he has apparently been standing for some time; speaking quietly) Okay, Gwen. You want to know – here’s what happened.  She killed herself. Okay?

GWEN:  (Visibly shocked, putting both hands up to her mouth) God, I –

STEPHEN: (Almost simultaneously with Gwen) Herbert, you really don’t need –

ADAM:  (Quietly, reaching up to take the hand that KIMIYO has put on his arm) Why?

HERBERT:  (Quietly) I don’t know why – none of us knew why, because there was no note. She took an overdose and died. It was a tremendous shock for all of us at the time. Well – for Stephen and Simon and me, really. And – (gesturing at their sleeping father) for him, too, of course. He loved her – I know he did. And for what it’s worth, he never beat her.

GWEN:  (Glancing doubtfully at her sleeping father) So what about those bruises she wrote about?

HERBERT:  (Sighing) He’d wake up struggling, really flailing about, quite wild. I was sleeping in their room once – I must have been about five – had chickenpox or something. And he woke up and – well, you had to see it to believe it. Like a grand mal seizure, really, I was scared out of my wits. I know it happened a lot – he’d wake up and think he was back there, you see. That’s where she got the bruises. And he did take it out on her – in other ways. We were all shocked, all of us.

VALERIE:  (Slurring her words)  Poor Herbert.

HERBERT:  (Determinedly, ignoring Valerie) Shocked that she’d been that miserable and hadn’t been able to tell us, or to do anything about it. And we wanted to – well, protect you and Adam. You didn’t know.  We figured it was for the best.

GWEN:  (Nodding) I thought so.  I always thought so. So many little things – so many little details – nobody ever wanting to talk about her . . . (her voice trails off and she bites her lower lip)

ADAM:  (Quietly) I knew. I was the one who found her, remember? I wanted her to fix something – I can’t remember what it was, now, but I remember thinking that she was supposed to have fixed it and I was cross with her. So I went into her room to tell her off and –  she was just lying there. And – well, I saw the empty bottles. I didn’t put two and two together then and there, but I did later. Obviously.

HERBERT:   (Shaking his head and sighing)  I suppose we thought that you’d just assumed she was ill. And in a way – (Sighing again)  in a way she really was ill. 

VALERIE:  (Quietly but angrily) She wasn’t . . . she wasn' t just ill, she was sick. As in sick of it all.

COLIN:  (Coming back into the room and sighing deeply) Sorry! I almost never use my mobile, but this just came up at the last minute and – (he glances around the room and takes in the general mood)  Oops – did I miss something?  (There is the sudden noise of someone tramping up the stairs again, making everyone in the room start. EDWARD suddenly wakes up and stares wildly around the room)

EDWARD:  (Looking fractious) What? What did you say?

VALERIE:  Nothing, Dad – no one said anything. It was just Paul going back up to his room. 

EDWARD:  (Confused)  Paul? Who's Paul? (Glaring around the room once, his eyes suddenly light on COLIN. He stares at him for a moment as though he has never seen him before, then suddenly reason dawns and he begins to nod. He clears his throat mightily and addresses the room in general) I’ll tell you something that’s queer, if you want my opinion. I’ve got two sons. One of them – (he points to Colin) – clever enough, but he’s never going to get married, never going to have any children.  Been to university, got a brand new car, good job – oh, he’s had every advantage that money can buy. But he’ll never get his hands dirty, this one, oh no. He’ll never work for his living – I mean real work like I did – and he’ll never have any children of his own. Why that is, I don’t believe I need to answer, do I?

STEPHEN:  (Appalled and angry) Dad! That is entirely –

DIANE:  (Angrily) Colin works just as hard --

COLIN:  (Flushing with embarrassment) Mum, Dad, it’s okay, really. I –

EDWARD:  (On a roll and growing progressively louder) Now that one upstairs – (suddenly turning and addressing Kimiyo, gesturing toward the stairs) – when I was that one’s age I’d already spent four years as the guest of the bloody emperor – seen friends of mine a lot younger than him decapitated, dead of beri-beri,  TB, cholera. All I wanted to do was get free and what does that one do? Why, he holes himself up in a room. Eats up there, sleeps up there – God only knows what he gets up to in that room of his. But will he ever work? Will he ever pay for his upkeep? (Snorting in contempt)  And then I’ve got two daughters –

GWEN:  (Nervously) Dad, there’s just me – I’m your only dau—

EDWARD:  (Interrupting angrily) As I said, I’ve got two daughters –

GWEN:  (Gently but firmly)  Grand-daughters, Dad, you’ve got two granddaughters –

EDWARD:  (Angrily) That’s what I just said, dammit!  I’ve got two granddaughters, and they –

VALERIE:  (Tears in her eyes) Dad, please – !

EDWARD:  (Turning on her and repeating in thundering tones) Two-granddaughters – and they’re upset with Japan. They want to boycott Japanese products. Know why? (He glances angrily around the room) Anything to do with the Railway, you ask? Or the fact that they made us work when we had malaria? When we were down to skin and bones and eaten up by tropical ulcers? Or – or –the fact that they deliberately violated the terms of the Geneva Convention and starved one third of their prisoners to death? Why, no! (He stands up with the aid of a cane, his entire body shaking violently. Everyone looks alarmed)

ADAM:  Dad, please! Sit down, Dad – come on, just sit down.

EDWARD:  (Sitting down, still shaking, his hands nervously clutching the crook of his cane as he speaks )  Oh no – no, it’s none of that that worries them. None of that makes them put away their purses and refuse to buy their Jap stereos or hi-fis or gadgets. Oh no, it’s the whales. (Putting on poncey high-pitched voice) The poor little whales.

(The entire room is silent. EDWARD slumps back in his seat, obviously emotionally spent by his outburst)

KIMIYO:  (Suddenly standing up, her eyes flashing) I want to say something.

ADAM:  (Mortified, in a whisper) Kimi! Sit, down!

KIMIYO:  (Shaking her head at him) No – no, Adam. I want to say – then I finish – not say anymore. (She turns to address Edward) You don’t like what I say – okay. You still hate everyone after I say – fine. But I want just to say this. I am part Japanese, part Chinese, part Korean – not good thing, not bad thing. Just – I am.

ADAM:  Kimi!  (Attemps  to pull Kimiyo back down beside him, but she deteminedly pulls away from him)

KIMIYO:  Those countries too – China, Korea – the peoples there suffer so badly in war. Because of Japanese soldiers, so bad, so savage, so many peoples die very terribly.

STEPHEN:  (Gently) It’s nothing to do with you, Kimiyo – we all know that. I’m sorry if earlier I gave you the impression that –

KIMIYO:  (Interrupting, determined to speak her piece) I know nothing do with me. Just -- I am sorry for those peoples – I cannot help them now, no one can. Just all I can do is try not to forget, to teach my children. And try always to be kind to peoples, all peoples. But some of those peoples – some of my ancestors – Korean and Chinese ones – they get together with Japanese peoples and they make my parents, and my parents – they make me. I am glad that they do. Because why? Because that way shows people hate other peoples sometimes, but also love too, make babies together in good way.

DIANE:  (Nodding)  My great grandpa met my great grandma – the Cherokee – when he’d gone to her village to burn it down –

KIMIYO:  (Still standing) – and now Adam and I – our two countries bitter enemy in war – but we marry with each other and we make our own baby.  And I am very, very glad for that. Now I have finish, but I am going upstairs and tell other boy – nephew – one I haven’t met – I am going to meet him. Maybe tell him about my nephew in Osaka, also stay in his room. If someone wants to come and introduce to me, then we can go together. Seems funny, one person up in room all by himself, everybody else all down here.

(Everyone stares at her as she makes her way across the room toward the staircase. KIMIYO exits up the stairs, the sound of her footsteps echoing behind her.

ADAM:  (Rising, looking around the room in an apologetic fashion and shrugging his shoulders)  Guess I’d better go with her, though it seems pretty daft. I haven’t seen Paul for years after all . . . But what the hell. . . (He crosses the room and exists up the stairs)

GWEN:  (Rising slowly to her feet)  Well, for what it’s worth, neither have I, so I suppose I might as well go too. (Sighing, she too crosses the room and exits up the stairs)

HERBERT:  (Gently, holding out his arm) Come on, Val. Let’s go introduce Paul and Kimiyo. (VALERIE pretends to try and shrug him off, but she takes his arm and they exit together. She is still very drunk, and Herbert has to support her)

DIANE:  (Turning to STEPHEN who is slumped in his seat staring at the floor) Come on, honey. Kimiyo’s right – it’s silly just ignoring Paul. He’s part of the family, too. Let’s go on up and see him.

STEPHEN:  (Half turning to COLIN but not facing him) Are you coming with us?

COLIN:  (Shaking his head)  It’s okay, Dad – you go on ahead of me. I’ll just stay with Granddad for a while, keep him company.

 EDWARD:  (Bewildered, furrowing his forehead, he sits for some time slumped forward with his head in his hands. Then he looks up and slowly realizes that everyone has gone.) Where is everyone? Where have they all gone?

COLIN:  (Gently) They’ve gone to see Paul, Granddad.

EDWARD:  (Bemusedly, slowly rising from the chair) Stephen?  Where is everyone? What happened?

COLIN:  (Gently taking his grandfather by the arm) It’s Colin, Granddad. They’ve all gone upstairs just now. Would you like to come too? Can you manage the stairs?

EDWARD:  (Confused and embarrassed) No, no, Herbert – no I’ll be fine here. You go on. I’ll just sit here a bit longer.

COLIN:  (Obviously relieved, but still concerned)  Can I get you anything?

EDWARD:  (Testily, waving his hands dismissively) No, no – I’m fine, just fine.

(COLIN goes upstairs, leaving his grandfather sitting in the armchair. EDWARD sits for a few minutes staring ahead of him blankly, then addresses the room in general)  Always did wonder why she gave us that pumpkin. Perfectly good pumpkin, too. Thought it might be poisoned, maybe. . . (he laughs woodenly)  Wouldn’t have mattered if it was!  But no, it was good. Perfectly good pumpkin. (He looks around the room again and his mouth hangs open a bit) Where’ve they all gone, then? Where’s everybody gone? (He gets up painfully and walks, stiff-legged, toward the staircase)

(Curtain Closes)

Reviews
Beautifully tied together
Written by patterjack (1196 comments posted) 20th December 2006
And praise be , not a moral pill prescribed . 
 
You've done absolutely the right thing -- letting the audience -- or at least us readers -- make our own judgements  
 
And it has progressed from a very quiet beginning to a very dramatic , in the best sense , ending . 
 
How it would play in a theatre is moot -- it would provide actors with a challenge , and a director/producer with a still greater one . 
 
But it would get thoughtful applause , I feel sure ! 
 
patterjack

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 20th December 2006
At first I thought the ending was a bit unsatisfying but on second reading I realised it was a master-stroke, focussing on the man who had been the brooding presence at the start and as it progressed we understood him more. I like the way Kimiyo and Adam faded into the background a bit and left us with the dad because in a way was the keeper of all the knowledge (war and suicide)even if it was partial. They were all a product of him and he was a product of his experiences so of course it had to end with him. 
I thought the dialogue was more focussed and controlled though they were a little unrealistically articulate but stage drama demands that so I am being unfair in that I suppose.  
But the family dynamics certainly rang true. And as Brian said no moralising or glib answers.  
All of the soaps will no doubt have their crises at Christmas but I doubt they'll be handled as even-handedly as this. 
Sorry I've done it again,not so much a crit as ramble 
Sorry 
J
HI Witzl
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 20th December 2006
Congratulations on a wonderful play - worthy of being acted in either theatre or over the radio. Good luck with it. 
 
I liked the bit about the pumpkin in this chapter. And I liked all of Edward's scenes. 
 
I'm not sure that the mother's suicide was dealt with enough, but you could make a whole extra play out of that. 
 
Having a son who has some characteristics in common with Paul, I can't believe that he would welcome the invasion of his space. He would (I would guess) much prefer just to have Kimiyo on her own go and talk to him, and then over time, he might get more accepted into the group - another good play for you to write.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 21st December 2006
I am so grateful for these comments and encouraging words, Brian, Jane, and Jean. It means a lot to me that people have actually plowed through all of this play. I had my reservations about this play and debated whether to post it here; now I am so glad that I did.  
 
The first round of feedback I got encouraged me to rewrite the ending and, in particular, to break up some of the ridiculously long monologues. (Yes, believe it or not, there were originally even longer ones than what you saw in Act 5!) I think that this has become a better work as a result of all your comments and ideas, and I now know what else needs to be rewritten.  
 
You are right, Jean: Paul -- or any other 'hikikomori' (recluses -- this really is a phenomenon in Japan) -- would not take kindly to all those people tromping up to his room. I shamelessly used Paul as a device. I have a cousin like him, and I used to feel very sad that at holidays he never came out of his room and no one ever said anything to him.

Written by Fledermaus (3306 comments posted) 21st December 2006
Not a very happy end, but not very sad either. The strange thing is that Edward, who's clearly the most complicated character is also the one I feel most sympathy towards. Eventhough he's probably horrible company, he seems at least seems to try... Both to understand the others and to get his own message accross, whereas the others (except for Kimiyo and perhaps Herbert) are just trying to ignore the problems. 
 
The part about the whales was brilliant. I do know some people who boycot Japan because of the war, but especially in the West it seems that that half of the world is simply forgotten. It's shocking to hear how the people who returned from Japanese concentration camps were being told that they shouldn't complain because they weren't oppressed by the Germans! 
 
This was a brilliant piece, with very real characters...

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 21st December 2006
Thank you, Fledermaus, for your kind words. I feel great sympathy towards Edward too.  
 
Unlike the POWs of the Germans, who of course also suffered, POWs of the Japanese had a very high mortality rate; one in three died in captivity. They were transported in 'hellships' which were unmarked as such and frequently sunk in 'friendly fire.' All of this is well documented.  
 
All of the British, Asian, American, Australian, Dutch, etc. POWs, civilian and military, went through unbelievable hardships at the hands of the Japanese. Many witnessed and experienced atrocities that scarred them physically and emotionally for life.  
 
What happened in Germany during the war is well known. What happened throughout Asia, sadly, is not.  

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 21st December 2006
Firstly, I'd like to say how much I've enjoyed the whole play. A really worthwhile read and I do think this would successfully move off the page and make good drama. 
 
I can't disagree with any of the comments that have already been made - so this may be a little repetitive. The dialogue seemed natural and my sympathies lay mainly with Edward and Kimiyo. Good balance there considering Act 1 and the foreshadowing you did. I thought the dramatic device of having the characters leave bit by bit with Edward remaining was very effective. You dealt with the issues well. As Jean mentioned, there are a few extra plays in here, but I'm glad you stuck to the plot and didn't get side-tracked. 
 
Other more experienced script writers may disagree, but in this case I won't bow to their superior knowledge. Think of me as a punter. In the end, it's punters a writer needs to entertain and challenge. I honestly thought this was top class stuff. I still see it as a radio piece - but one I would sit and listen to. I'd love to see it on a stage, but I'm not sure there's enough movement. It 'sounds' professionally written and I can hear it as I read. 
 
Congratulations Witzl. Brilliant. 
 
Phil 
 

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 21st December 2006
I am so grateful for all of these kind responses.  
 
Maybe someone will now come on and say 'Sorry, lady, but this doesn't do it for me,' and no doubt if I ever get up the nerve to send this out to a competition, it will be swiftly rejected. But never mind, all of you have paid it such encouraging attention and praised it so lavishly that I am more than satisfied.  
 
Thank you!

Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 2nd January 2007
Sorry, lady, but I can't say this doesn't do it for me, because some of it, in particular, was extremely good. In a year's time, if someone reminds me of "Witzl's Japanese play", I'll probably remember it most for the monologues in Act 5, the Kimiyo and Edward characters - notably because of their intensity, and the way in which, amongst all the divergences, there were points of contact. Act 4 I found dragged a little, until Gwen arrived and you built up to an intriguing end. Fledermaus has mentioned Adam a couple of times - rather than "clumsy", I just found him wimpish, even when he made efforts to the contrary - I too wondered what she had seen in him. In addition, Adam/Kimiyo at the beginning of Act 4 reiterate the arrival of/potential conflict with Edward, which you had already underlined. 
 
I liked the Valerie character throughout the play - ""don't you drink at all, then?" in Act 6 was good - plus the idea of the attitude to the Japanese because of whaling. If the script is strong enough, which it is, then the static nature of the play doesn't really matter. 
 
I take the point about lack disclosure regarding certain events in Japanese history, but was curious at to whether Japanese and Americans of the current generation still held strong feelings in this respect. Until the day she died, my grandmother hated the Germans, because they bombed her house, and she never forgave her brother for marrying a German (in Australia, where he stayed for the remainder of his life) - she even supported England against Germany in the football! But I've met people of my own generation and younger who hold similar attitudes to the current German generation because of the war, even though there's no direct link to any particular family-related atrocity in their personal histories. Liked very much the way this play avoided moralising, excellent stuff Witzl.
Hi witzl
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 5th January 2007
It's taken me a while to get around to reading your finale but I'm very glad I did! I've really enjoyed this all the way through. I can't see it my head on a stage, for me, it feels like a radio piece (I think I've said that before!) but then I'm not good at visualising these things. 
 
I thought you managed to handle a very emotive issue sensitively and, as previously mentioned, without resorting to moralising or 'soapboxing'. 
 
I found the section where Valerie is talking about Herbert very tantalising - I finished reading it with more questions than answers! The ending was deceptively good, on first reading I wasn't ready for it to finish - you caught me by surprise but rereading I think it is very strong. It provides a satisfying end whilst resisting the urge to tie everything together neatly. The other thing I really liked throughout this was your portrayal of Edward - it must have been difficult to write dialogue for this character and get the balance between indicating his Alzheimers but not making him totally incomprehensible to the audience. 
 
Two minor points, I was kind of expecting some reaction to Kimiyo's announcement of her pregnancy...having been a feature all through the play it fizzled out for me. Also, like others I had trouble imagining how all those people were going to fit into Paul's bedroom and how long it would be before he threw them all out again! 
 
I've gone far past the point of rambling so I'm going to stop now and just say that I thought this was a really high quality piece. The plot moves along nicely with some hints of suspense along the way, the content was admirably handled and it was really entertaining. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it from start to finish. 
 
Elli 
 

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 29th January 2007
Thank you, Coosh and Elli, and shame on me for only getting around to thanking you now. The fact is, I thought I'd already done this. Poor old Edward may have some company pretty soon . . . 
 
Although I have yet to put in the changes on this site, I have gone back through the play and tried to make Adam sound a little less wimpish. I've also added several 'Congratulations' to Kimiyo's announcement of her pregnancy, and dealt with the issue of Paul's room being over-filled by having one of the women comment that Paul won't like all those people in his room.  
 
Everyone who commented helped me make this play better, and I will be forever grateful to GW for that.
Really enjoyed the whole play
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 6th July 2007
But I think it need a focussed re-write/edit. The first scene in particular is too long and could be reduced substatially. I would also relocate the action from the first scene to the sitting room set of the later scenes so that all the action takes place in the same place. 
 
I think you've got the makings of a really good play here. Not sure how much editing/re-writing you've done already but for me you're about 80% there. 
 
I think also some of the characters whilst being English/British do say things that don't quite ring true. That would be sorted out in rehearsal though. 
 
If it were mine I would have some kind of sub-plot as well; maybe Herbert and a gay lover!! :eek  
 
Overall very good, and if it's ever performed I'd love to see it. :)

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 6th July 2007
Thank you, Seagull, for going to the trouble of reading and reviewing this. 
 
I don't really nurture hopes that this will ever be performed, but I have told myself that if it ever were, the actors would find any remaining Yankisms while reading this through, thus sorting them out and saving lazy me the trouble.  
 
As for the sub-plot of Herbert's gay lover or lovers, I felt that the play was already pretty cluttered with people, so resisted the urge to introduce another actor.

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item