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Poetry
My Lover
By maj
11 June 2005

This is my first piece on the forum!

Let me know what you all think!

love

maj


 

I envy the sun.

With long golden fingers,she can caress the delicate features of your handsome face. Her slender rays explore your beautiful physique, as you toil in the fields alone,without aid.

I envy the moon.

In her milk white arms, she can embrace you and cloak you from the looming darkness. As you lay under her sculpted silver frame, i wonder through un-penetrable passages.

I envy the rain.

Her gentle laughter can soothe your ears with magical words and music. She sings to  you songs of love and memories long forgotten.

I am unfortunate. I shall forever be waiting.

Reviews
My Lover
Written by sheppard (36 comments posted) 11th June 2005
I enjoyed reading this, my only question is the person you have written about dead? Sorry to ask, but thats the feeling I get, that your unfortunate that you will never embrace this person again because they have passed away, please let me know. 
Excellent anyway, I love your descriptions. :grin

Written by maj (20 comments posted) 11th June 2005
 
no he isn't dead!  
 
:eek :p  
 
it was someone i wanted to marry but due to family inervention we could. that is what makes it so sad. :sigh  
 
thanks for the review! now that i know where to post my stuff you will be seeing alot more of it! :grin :grin

Written by maj (20 comments posted) 11th June 2005
 
slight spelling error!  
 
What i meant to say was that we were stopped from marrying!  
i will try not confuse anyone :)
a good first piece
Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 11th June 2005
welcome and enjoy

Written by maj (20 comments posted) 11th June 2005
thank you :)  
 
x
My Lover
Written by Ladybird (32 comments posted) 11th June 2005
maj - a very open piece of work a sad situation described well.Ladybird 
Descriptive
Written by Ostara (61 comments posted) 13th June 2005
A great first piece to post - it has certainly got a fair bit of attention! 
 
I agree with Ladybird; this poem feels very open and heartfelt. The title is relevent, if al ittle obvious? But probably necessary to explain a little about the poem. 
 
I like the format - the statement and clarification works well with the state of mind of the narrator. A strange combination of sorrow, anger and petulance is what I read from it. 
 
The first half of poem is perhaps a little heavy on the adjectives. As I tell my students - not every noun needs to be described in such poetic detail. Soemtimes a thing is just a thing! The second half, like the rain, is much more soothing and resigned. It might well be worth trying to bring in some of the anger and envy into the first half to balance this? 
 
Is this an early draft or something you have been working on for a while?

Written by maj (20 comments posted) 13th June 2005
 
Thanks Ostara. 
 
it is a piece that i have been working on for quite some time now. 
 
but i always seem to go back to it and start changing or adding things. 
 
Thanks for the suggestion about the usage of nouns! i will certainly keep that in mind. ;)
Excellent
Written by LaughterLines (34 comments posted) 19th June 2005
I thought this poem was excellent. A very open piece of poetry and heartfelt too. 
many wishes to you 
 
LL

Written by maj (20 comments posted) 19th June 2005
thanks alot!  
 
look forward to reading some more of your writings on the forum! 
:)

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