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Winter of my Heart

By rilLie

21 December 2006

dedicated to a certain someone. Sad on christmas [season] lol.......

Black is the color
of the gusts of wind and ice
flowing through my veins.

Black is the color
of the snow that throws itself
down to what's left of me.

Black is the color
of the trees that mark
my path in these dark forests of my mind.

Black is the color of the sun,
as it continues to forget
to light my dingy world.

And only you
are the white that can change
this winter of my heart.

Reviews

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 21st December 2006

This is an intriguing poem, rilLie. I like the idea of black snow. And I really liked your stanza 'Black is the color / of the trees that mark / my path in these black forests of my mind.' That has a nice 'pulse' and conjures up a strong image, for me.

I do find the phrasing '. . . as it continues remember to forget' a little clumsy, and think you could rewrite this to make it more elegant and less confusing.

Also -- quite apart from PC considerations -- the idea that black is bad and white is good seems a little passe. What about 'light' for 'white'? Others will have completely different opinions, I know, but I would hesitate to use 'white' in that last stanza. Sometimes black is good, sometimes black is bad, and the same goes for white, in my opinion.

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 21st December 2006

Loved the first verse, liked the rest.

I can see what Witzl is saying and it's a good point, but just because something is not PC, it doesn't mean you shouldn't use it. The polarised ideas behind the words 'black' and 'white' can only be accentuated by avoiding them. Black is not a race or a religion, nor is white.
I could be completely wrong in this - just my opinion.

Phil.

Written by Thatllbemethen (83 comments posted) 21st December 2006

Seem to be agreeing with Phil a lot today. ***** PC
race and religion never came into my mind when reading this simple and effective poem. If we lose black then pretty soon the word dark will come under attack.

I love symmetry, patterns etc and I would probably lose the 'And' in verse two and change the second 'black' in verse three to 'dark'. You could also probably lose 'remembering' in verse four.

Hope you don't mind my suggestions. It shows how much I liked this one let alone the times I've read it!

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 21st December 2006

I liked this- thought

as it continues remembering to forget

sounded awkward and there are some good points raised above. Liked this overall however, strong piece.

Elli

Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 22nd December 2006

Thanks, everyone, for the reviews, and for those who read.

Witzl -- thanks. :grin

: I liked that verse as well.. About the white and the black.. I thought about it...and I'd like to keep it with the colors because I do find that most of the time, Christmas ((sorry, forgot to mention this in the intro, but this is somehow connected to how I'm feeling right now, sad in Christmas)) is portrayed with the stereotypical snowman and snow and generally white, green and red. And that's how I made my poem, so.... black contrasting to the usual "cheeriness" of the season is how I felt it should be... thanks, though. :grin

:

Phil -- thanks. I loved the first most, actually. :grin

: I'm always biased.. :grin

: err.. yeah.. and I didn't mean anything about racism and that stuff because here, it's somehow already hurting some of my friends and my relatives abroad and I'm against it, yes, but I don't really think about it that much.. if you read my note to Witzl, you'll see it really does have no connection.. :grin

:

Thatllbemethen (wow, long username :grin

-- thanks. I think I'll edit this when I finish posting... I love suggestions, because it's the only way one can progress as a person (wow, deep words. :grin

and I love that you took the time to review!

Elli -- thanks.

anyway, thanks again!!!!!!!!!

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