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Poetry
Crossing the reservoir in the dead of night,
By no1butClo
21 December 2006
On the advice of Kitten I'm publishing in the form of my usual duo, but the next will follow shortly.

The ol' writing's been a bit slow recently, this is the second draught of a rather shaky work in progress [you're not seeing the first one - don't ask why, just no]. Not sure the biblical stuff works, I may take it out - tell me what you think? Also I'm having this thing with brackets at the moment, and I'm not sure that's helping either.

In the words of The Beatles:

"Won't you PLEEEEEEAAAAASE ple-ease help me..."


PS have a nice Christmas everybody =) [those using 'xmas' will be shot on-site. - just because he couldn't sign his name, doesn't mean that baby wasn't important!]


Crossing the reservoir in the dead of night,

Looking out over shattered moonshine
glinting and brittle, shallow enough to
draw the eye to the necrotic mass below.
Stagnant, the waters present a freeze-
frame. Remnants held in time, rotting.
[The third day came and went for them]

The causeway marks a dark line, and
in its shadow something paler marks
itself - no brittle gleam hides this organic
shrapnel. A body a face a girl - No Name.
[she washed His feet with her tears]

She was crossing the reservoir in the dead of night,
out too late with the wrong man for too long. Now
the surface steals kisses from lips of stone - parted,
teasing - but her own hair and the weeds hold
her still; her last embrace. Blood snakes from her nose
unchecked.
[and she did eat]

Clenched teeth - perhaps she was cold -
will not speak of final pictures, but
her clothes cling on to those nights out.
[they hid themselves in the garden
for they were naked]

In her eyes the same brittle glint,
same depth which refuses to conceal
the necrotic mass below.
[ashes, and dust]

Reviews

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 21st December 2006
Haven't read all the way through yet...but already I'm not a fan of the brackets!  
 
OK - biblical bits fine by me - they work well IMO. 
 
Generally I really like this but the brackets, the bloody brackets!!! not so good for me...I'd either put those bits in italics or space the line apart from the rest of the text but I really really hate the brackets! (on the other hand others may completely disagree...) 
 
A couple of things jump out for me - I'm not too sure about the repetition of 'necrotic' or the repetition of 'marks' and i'm not sure you need shattered, glinting and brittle at the beginning.  
 
For me - needs work in places but potentially very powerful. there's something about it that I like very much indeed. 
 
Elli

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 21st December 2006
The overall tone of this is very beguiling and as Elli says some potentially powerful bits. Problem for me - probably reflects on me, not your work - is that while I take something from each part of the poem, it remains a mystery as a whole. 
 
Phil.
Tomorrow!
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 21st December 2006
Have no time 2nite! 
 
Oli
Tomorrow!
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 21st December 2006
Have no time 2nite! 
 
Oli

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