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Non-Fiction
Mr and Mrs Simms are proud to announce...
By Snodlander
22 December 2006
My life is a soap opera.

“Grace and I had a little chat last night.”

She tells me this in a quiet voice, the sort she uses when she has something salacious that she doesn’t want overheard.  I look around.  The living room is empty.  Maybe she doesn’t want the gossip pixies that hide behind the sofa to hear.  The kids are asleep, and being teenagers won’t surface for hours yet.

“Oh yes?”  I take a sip of tea to fortify myself.

“They want to get married.”

This is not the earth-shattering news I had braced myself for.  About this time last year wimp-boy had accidentally let slip that they were going to get engaged on her birthday, but had not realised that he had given the game away.  So we kept quiet, and hoped that they would break up before then.  Well, I did, anyway.  Two weeks before her eighteenth birthday my wife wanted to sell some knitted handbags on Ebay, and Grace agreed to model them for the photos.  As I was cropping the photos I noticed something.

“Grace.  What’s that on your left hand?”

“Oh this?” she asked innocently, holding up her ring finger.

“Why didn’t wimp-boy ask me for your hand first?  I am your father, you know.”

“I’d be offended if he did.  I’m not your personal possession that you can keep or give away.”

“I think you’ll find you are my possession.  I’ve paid enough for you over the years.”

I know, I know.  But there are many ways that a father can find out about his only daughter’s engagement.  Ebay shouldn’t be one of them.  I wasn’t at my best at that moment.

So that fact that they were going to get married came as no surprise really.  I think that one of the best reasons to get engaged is in order to get married, so it was always on the cards.

So I take another sip of my green tea with peach and reply nonchalantly, “OK”

“They want to get married in August.”

“What?  This August?”  Surely not.  Not my little girl.

“Yes.”

“What for?”

“I don’t know.  She didn’t say.  But I think that as they’re not getting any money from his parents, and we don’t have any money, she thought that they might as well get married.  And I expect that they want to rent a place together when she leaves Halls, so they’ll need to be married.”

“Yes, that’ll be it.  Because landlords are all stuck in the Victorian age and wouldn’t want to be responsible for a house of sin.  I notice she’s only told you after wimp-boy has left for Bath.”

“It’s better than finding out on Ebay, isn’t it?”

“Do his folks know?”

She shrugs.  “He’s told his Mum.”

“What does she think?”  His parents have never liked Grace that much.  Oh, they’ve been pleasant enough to her face, but privately they have let Steve know that they don’t really approve.  At least, that’s probably what ‘scum of the earth’ and ‘little gold-digger’ mean.

“She thinks that they are far too young.”

“She’s right.”

“Oh, come on.  Steve will be 21 by August 11th.  You were only 21 when we got married.  I was only 22.”

“That was totally different.  We had jobs.  Oh, and she has a date?”

“Yes.  She wants me to take her down to the Bishop’s Palace in Maidstone.  It’s too expensive to get married in Bath.  And she knows the hall she wants for the party afterwards.  Lizzie and Emma are going to be bridesmaids.  The dress she has chosen is nice, black and red.  She is having trouble finding a vegan caterer, though.”

“Oh, and after all this, do you have any idea when she might get round to telling her loving father?”

“I think she told me so that I would tell you.”

“Well, I’m hurt.  I have been like a second father to that boy.  I have opened my heart and home to him, and I get treated like this.”

It is only when I get to work that I realise.  I phone home.  My wife answers.

“23” I tell her.

“What?”

“23”

“23?”

“Yes.  June 7th 1980 we got married.  I was 23, not 21.”

Another argument that I have won.  But the victory is hollow. 

Reviews

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 22nd December 2006
I don't know whether to congratulate you or commiserate! Everyone in my family, including me, got married late; in fact, waiting until we're practically too old to conceive really runs in our family. So there is hope for mine -- that they won't marry until they're at least 35. But you never know.  
 
If both his parents are still married and both you and your wife are still going strong, Grace and Wimp-Boy's chances are good, so take heart. And -- quite honestly -- he sounds like a nice kid. I'll bet his sense of humor will pick up dramatically under your patient tutelage. 
 
Yesterday, we got the news that our dear friend in Japan has just gotten a divorce from his wife, a woman we liked a lot. Not good enough for him, of course, but we still admired her greatly. One week earlier, we had a Christmas card from other friends, with equally bad news: their daughter and her husband, also an Ango-Japanese couple, had gotten divorced. Such sad news. 
 
It's tough going, marriage, and not for the faint of heart.

Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 22nd December 2006
... the good lady in my life is always giggling at the plight of Snodders and wimp boy and drawn in by the title was not disapointed here, although i was rather hoping you were about to announce your forthcoming emergence into the ranks of grandparent. Very good and wry.

Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 22nd December 2006
Enjoyed reading this more than you enjoyed the writing it seems. Like Witzl, don't know whether to congratulate or commiserate. 
 
August is a long way away. Loads could happen. 
 
Good Luck? 
 
Phil.
More please!
Written by Cindersarella (67 comments posted) 1st January 2007
As always loved reading about the exploits in the Simms household. Waiting in eager anticipation for stories about Christmas with wimp boy 
 
thanks

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