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Poetry
Crossing the reservoir in the dead of night, [revised]
By no1butClo
22 December 2006
Okay, take two. Losing the brackets, going for itallics instead? Just holler if it's wrong again.

Thanks so much for your comments guys, really appreciated thoseSmile

Crossing the reservoir in the dead of night,

Looking out over moonshine
glinting and brittle, shallow enough to
draw the eye to the necrotic mass below.
Stagnant, the waters present a freeze-
frame. Remnants held in time, rotting.

The third day came and went for them.


The causeway marks a dark line, and
in its shadow something paler marks
itself - no brittle gleam hides this organic
shrapnel. A body a face a girl - No Name.

She washed His feet with her tears

She was crossing the reservoir in the dead of night,
out too late with the wrong man for too long. Now
the surface steals kisses from lips of stone - parted,
teasing - but her own hair and the weeds hold
her still; her last embrace. Blood snakes from her nose
unchecked.

and she did eat


Clenched teeth - perhaps she was cold -
will not speak of final pictures, but
her clothes cling on to those nights out.

they hid themselves in the garden
for they were naked

In her eyes the same brittle glint,
same depth which refuses to conceal
the necrotic mass below.

ashes, and dust

Reviews

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 22nd December 2006
To be honest, I don't think this is any improvement on the first, but that's okay because I liked the first. I suppose it looks better without the brackets. I'm not sure about the second last line - just a bit blunt. My comment about taking something from the parts but not the whole still stand, 
 
Phil.

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 22nd December 2006
For me the italics work better than the brackets but I think you need to think a bit about the actual 'quotes' in some places they work well with the meaning of the piece as a whole - as I understand it but I dont think they all work especially 'and she did eat' 
 
I think there's some really good stuff in this but you do probably need to make it more obvious what you're getting at especially if you're going to chuck the biblical stuff in along with the narrative of the piece. Worth working on some more IMO 
 
Elli

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 22nd December 2006
For me the italics work better than the brackets but I think you need to think a bit about the actual 'quotes' in some places they work well with the meaning of the piece as a whole - as I understand it but I dont think they all work especially 'and she did eat' 
 
I think there's some really good stuff in this but you do probably need to make it more obvious what you're getting at especially if you're going to chuck the biblical stuff in along with the narrative of the piece. Worth working on some more IMO 
 
Elli

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