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UNTITLED - SO FAR!
By Storywriter1987
29 December 2006
Hi guys.

I have a family funeral to go to soon but i popped on here to post up a piece of work that i wrote at about 6am this morning!

it doesn't have a title yet as i'm going on your review to the first chapter as to whether i post up any more.

Please read it and let me know what you think.

“Well, that was fun, for the kids. Thank you.”
“My pleasure darling, as long as you enjoyed it too.”

I gave him a gentle, playful kiss and he, even though he was shocked, returned it. I pulled away and let him regain his control.

“Does that answer your question?”
“Well it may need clarifying later on. If you don’t mind elaborating on the events that just happened.”
“Of course not. Say 8pm, bedroom.”
“See you there.”

As I watched the clown walk away in his big floppy shoes I couldn’t help but smile. Then I turned my attention back to the little terrors now running round the garden, screaming as only 4 year olds can.

“Ice Cream. Come on you lot. Just enough time for iece cream before you all have to sing.”

In they all traipsed and I 10 minutes later I stood with Josh, the clown now out of make up, and we watched little Alice low out her candles and I was so proud of her. She had been through a rough time. But she always looked after the people that mattered to her and always thought of the good thinks in life. She was everything that mattered to me. And although she was only 4, she was such a grown up.

The majority of her 4 years had been spent in hospital but now she’s only going in for check ups. I have made some serious changes in my life and Josh is now living with us. I have known him for 5 years. And he treats Alice as if she were his own….. Trouble with that is………

“Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy, When I blew out my candles I made a wish. I wished that Daddy were here.”

She looked up at me wit her big brown eyes and smiled. I tried in vain not to cry. I did pretty well too, Josh noticed how I felt and so he put his arm round shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

“Ok kids. How about a game whilst Catlin gets cleans up as all your mummies and daddies are on their way, so one last game yeah?”

This was met by a swarm of 4 year olds ganging up on him as he led them into the garden. Bless him. He was giving me space alone to gather myself. He always knew exactly what to do. Alice sat next to him as he played music and the parcel was past around. Every child got something but the 2 twins weren’t happy with what they got and wanted the others toy, so the started fighting. Josh soon sorted that out.

“Now, now. Harry, Lewis. Why don’t you swap the toys then you get what you want. Put them both on the ground, that’s it. Now bend down and pick up the one you want. You see , no need to fight about it. Oh, mummies and daddies are here. Come on Alice, time to say goodbye.”

2 hours later and Alice was asleep. Holding the brand new teddy she had got from Gran. I finally got the chance to sit down and so I got a bottle of wine and poured me and Josh a large glass each. The movie ‘Dirty Dancing’ was on the DVD and we sat there together.

“Darling, can I ask you something?”
“You can ask. Whether I give you a polite answer Mr. Louder is another matter. But certainly go ahead. What’s on your mind?”
“We were watching Alice blow her candles out, you were smiling. Then  she said what she’d wished, your face dropped and you cried. I wondered why. She said she wanted her Daddy there and you cried. Why?”
“He was there.”

Reviews
Hi Clare!
Written by LynB (435 comments posted) 29th December 2006
This is a lovely start, Clare. This is a very moving chapter, and it set the scene very nicely. I am intrigued to know what happens next. It appears to be a sensitive subject, but you are handling it well. In my opinion, your style of writing is maturing - something that only comes with practice. 
 
Do you need any suggestions for a title? If so, I'll have a think and get back to you. If not, fair enough! 
 
I can't get into my PMs at the moment, so I'll take the opportunity to say here, hope everything goes OK this afternoon. I was sorry to hear about your aunt, and you are in my thoughts. :)

Written by Storywriter1987 (91 comments posted) 29th December 2006
Thanks Lyn. I was wrong in my timing. The car pulled up as i logged off. It was a short service and a private wake. I got home at half 3. And to take my mind off things i came on here and found your review. 
 
i am glad that you think i am handling the subject well. It took me a whil to think of the emotive word and sentences i could put into the work to make it - not a copy of yours - but to have the impact yours does.  
 
We've known each other for a while now and you know what i think of your work. And for a starter writer like me to get your praises is the best thing i could think of. 
 
Thank you for ALL your kind words. Now and previously. If you can get on to anyother sie where we both are then you could try and pm me on there. See if that works. 
 
THANKS AGAIN! 
 
ADDITIONAL!
Written by Storywriter1987 (91 comments posted) 29th December 2006
oh and about the title! Any help darling!
Hi CC
Written by Brio (13 comments posted) 29th December 2006
Well, the wording being used is of a more mature standard, as Lyn commented on above, as is sentence structure, but your grammar still needs work, mainly punctuation. I am, however, extremely glad to see that this is not peppered with exclaimation marks! 
 
Now, the actual story - I have to say I did let out an audible sigh as I read it. This 'format' has been done to death and is highly predictable. But having said that, part of me is awaiting the next bit to see where this is going, and whether or not it is going to follow the said path of predictability. 
 
And I'm sorry for your loss.

Written by Storywriter1987 (91 comments posted) 29th December 2006
I thought about the exclamation marks when i was writing it.  
 
I did put loads in the origonal but then i changed it. I respect your comments and it improved it loads when i re read it! 
 
Thank you.

Written by Glynis (103 comments posted) 30th December 2006
Hi Clare, it's nice to see you writing once again.  
I'm so sorry to hear of your recent family loss, chin up, and think of the Good times that you had with your Aunt, and as always you are in my thoughts.  
 
A very sensitive subject, handled very well. I take it that one of the other fathers, or is it the clown, are the father? 
 
I hope you have some luck with the title.  
 
Love 
Glynis. 
x

Written by Storywriter1987 (91 comments posted) 30th December 2006
Hi Glynis, thank you for your review. 
 
I am happy that you are glad that i'm writing again! 
 
 
It makes me happy to be appreciated. 
 

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