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Poetry
Eggshells
By gutterkitty
31 December 2006
Not sure about this one. Seems to lack originality. What do you think?

My sensitivity drives you crazy.
Sometimes I think you will pick up a broom
to sweep away so many eggshells.
Or walk without trepidation
until my fears are spelt in dust
upon the floor. I'll kneel down

and try to cup
the powder with a palm, apologising.
And while I'm down there,
trying to clean up my mess,
you're demanding I pay attention.

Wiping my hands on my jeans,
I still can't look at you. The dust lines my throat.
I cough out words, shuffle
the letters on the floor with a toe.

I'm so busy trying to find a path
through all these cracking,
splitting
sounds, I don't realise

eggshells are falling from the sky.

Reviews

Written by no1butClo (339 comments posted) 1st January 2007
I love this idea, you put it across really well, and even if it's not what you mean, i feel like I know exactly what you're talking about. 
 
perhaps in the first stanza you could just make a clearer link between the sensitivity and the egshells, I can see it might be hard to alter in terms of the form, but It would really put hte icing on the cake if that bit was just more obvious. 
 
I'm not sure you need the Capital Letters at the beginning of each line, but I think that's a personal thing. You've got some really great features in this poem, I really like: 
 
I'm so busy trying to find a path 
Through all these cracking, 
Splitting 
Sounds, 
 
could do with tweaking just a little, but a really intriguing piece =) 
 
clo x

Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 1st January 2007
really intriguing piece, as clo said in the above. :grin: could use a bit of tweaking and editing, though. 
 
cheers, 
rillie

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 3rd January 2007
Thanks guys :) I'm sure that tweaking will ensue.  
 
Clo- I'm glad you understood the poem. I guess I thought the link between the sensitivity and the eggshells was fairly clear, but I usually get these things wrong (my own work always makes perfect sense to me, of course!). The section that you quoted is my favourite as well. In that last stanza, I'm trying to describe an argument in which by trying to make things better I am only making them worse- not sure how well that came across though!

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