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Comedy
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A Christmas Carol. (with apologies to Dickens)
By Bottleblondesurfer
01 January 2007
 
This is a little late I know but it was written for my son’s School review. A  heavily edited one was actually used I thought I would put up the original for your thoughts. It was meant to be spoken so the humour doesn’t really  work on the page.


The Narrator

“The story of Scrooge being redeemed by the power of Christmas is a wonderful uplifting tale and to celebrate it and lift our morale I thought we should enjoy the final scene after he has been visited by the spirits and sees life as a changed man. Please observe the scene”

   .

         [We see a window, which is suddenly flung open by an ecstatic Ebeneezer Scrooge

SCROOGE- Heavenly sky and sweet merry bells. Hey there! yes you my young lad. You look like a fine intelligent boy, tell me what day is to-day?

[A young lad in the street looks up to the window]

 
BOY- Cor,bless yer sir. It’s Christmas day, as ever was.

 
SCROOGE- It’s Christmas day! I haven’t missed it, the spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like. Of course they can.

 
BOY- Spirits sir? upon my ‘onour I ain’t touched a drop, ‘cept a little brandy me dad has to force down me when I gets the colic.

 

SCROOGE-  .Tell me my bright young buck does the Poulterers in the High Street still have the Turkey in the window?

 
BOY- What the one as is as big as me?

 
SCROOGE- What an intelligent boy, such a pleasure to talk to

 
 BOY- Afor my head swells from all the praise I should be going

 
SCROOGE- Wait up my lad. I want you to go and buy it

     [he flngs down a silver coin]

Now off you go and you may keep the change.
 
 BOY-  Wait up.The bird is full five shillings and that’s but half a crown. So you’ll get half a bird.

      [Scrooge is getting a bit flustered] 
SCROOGE-  Five shillings you say……..You sure?

 
BOY-  As Gawd is my witness.

      [Scrooge digs down and gets another half crown]

 
SCROOGE-  Well tis only money. There! Now go and buy that bird, y’here

    

            [he smiles down at the lad and waves him off]

 
 BOY-  So, still no change then?. Just the five shilling.


 

SCROOGE- Sorry, isn’t that the cost?

 
 BOY- Yes sir, as ever: but mention was made of change.

 [ a frown passes over Scrooge for a second but he blinks it away]

 
SCROOGE- Hhmmm. Tell you what if you deliver it to the Cratchit’s house I’ll give you a shiny sixpence on return, how’s that.

  

 [the lad goes to pick up the coin and stops]

 
BOY- Wait up. You’re Scrooge ain’t you. Mr Ebeezer Scrooge?

 
SCROOGE- So you know me. Am I that famous?

 
BOY-Famous, lawd you are, in the same as Bubonic Plague is famous and about as welcome as my old man is given to say.
      [Scrooge winces as he hears  this]

 
SCROOGE- Ah you know my old self. So you are surprised that I should  want you to give the biggest turkey in the city away, eh?

 
BOY- It does come as a surprise: as St Peter said when he let a h’arch-bishop into ‘eaven. …..So  the meanest man in London,….

 
SCROOGE- No wait you see..

 
BOY-  …so mean;  instead of saying mean we often just says scrooge. instead…..
 
SCROOGE- ..that is the old me. It’s all changed now…..

 
 BOY-……… and he wants me to give away a bird as bought with his money.

 
 SCROOGE- Well certainly the last bit, yes.

    

  [the boy looks around him and backs away. He looks at the coin, then at Scrooge]

 
BOY- Go on then. What’s the scam? You can tell me.

 
SCROOGE- No you misunderstand it’s……

 
BOY- I know; a tax dodge,…No wait you’ll say I stole the money and claim twice as much in return.

 
[Scrooge is getting impatient]

 
SCROOGE- I can’t seem to get through. I am a changed man since the spirits visited me last night.

 
 BOY- Ah yes that’s like my old man. When the spirits a visit him there’s no telling the visions that he gets,

 
SCROOGE- No, no not that sort of…

 
 BOY- ….Pink h’elephants and ‘orses wiv wings, so he says. I understands now guv. You should just go back to bed.

 
SCROOGE-What and leave five good shillings in the street.

 
BOY  Now that’s more like the Scrooge as we know.

     {Scrooge is shocked with himself at that]

 
SCROOGE- No, I meant it might get lost in the snow, we wouldn’t want that.

 
 BOY- So why don’t I just look ahter it ,for safe keeping until you sober up.

 
SCROOGE- But I am not intoxicated .Good lord, to enjoy Christmas  I want to stay sober and alert to the day.

 
BOY-  Blimey,guv you’ll be the only one in London…sober that is. I’m just off to the gin palace for sixpence worth of gin, which should keep us all h’oblivious for the day.

 
SCROOGE- So you intend to spend this glorious day drunk and intoxicated…comatose. Is that how you spend Christmas?

 
BOY- Not quite, sir If you water it down and the landlord is gen’rus you can lose most of boxin’ day as well.

 
SCROOGE- So I have suffered 3 torments to fully appreciate the spirit of Christmas while the rest of London will be drunk and incapable. Am I the only one who has changed? How is Tiny Tim, does he still use crutches.

 
BOY- What little Tiny Tim Crachit. Lord Bless you, no. He don’t use crutches no more

 
 SCROOGE- Well that is a comfort to know Christmas can work  some miracle.

 
BOY – Not quite, they had to burn the crutches for firewood. He just drags his-self along the ground. Gets a fair turn of speed with the dogs a nipping at his heels.

SCROOGE- So nothing has changed for the better. Christmas or no it’s just as bad as ever. And soon you will all be as drunk as skunks for Christmas

 
 BOY- Well it is tradional, especially as there is no food to be had. Now,sir you  was saying about buying the big bird.
 
SCROOGE- You leave that money where it is or I’ll call the runners on you. I don’t know what I was thinking of just now. I’m glad I had this talk with you boy it has cleared my head of all this Christmas nonsense. Now be  off with you. Christmas, bah! humbug.

           [Scrooge slams the window shut and pulls the curtains]

 
BOY- Well then there’s a story to tell. Old Scrooge a’trying to be nice and good. They won’t believe me when I tells them. Should earn me a few good drinks  in the telling or my name ain’t. Charley Dickens. Humbug indeed!

Reviews

Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 1st January 2007
Enjoyed this, and I bet your son and his friends enjoyed performing it. Nice touch at the end. 
 
Phil.

Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 1st January 2007
I must say that I prefer this version! There is a limitted amount of times that one can see the orginal on tv in the one week, before it completely loses its magic! 
 
Good piece, I enjoyed it. 
 
E

Written by Clifftown (642 comments posted) 1st January 2007
Really enjoyed this, and I disagree that the humour doesn't come across on the page, there are some killer lines here and as usual, I'm envious. Certainly beats the usual boring Nativity play at any rate. 
 
Hope you had a good Christmas and look forward to more humour in 2007... 
 
Nina
HI BBS
Written by jean.day (2327 comments posted) 2nd January 2007
This was great fun - and probably much more realistic an ending than the original. I didn't guess that the boy would be Dickens. What a good surprise.

Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 2nd January 2007
Enjoyed most the details - Bubonic plague, crutchless Tiny Tim's fair turn o' speed with the dogs, and losin' most of Boxing Day. You possibly overdid the "spirits" references a little, I don't know - and I wasn't sure where the accent was going in places - thoroughly enjoyed the ending - you must have seen it performed, I assume - or did you adjourn for spirits in the bar? All the best.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3450 comments posted) 2nd January 2007
Thanks for all your comments.  
And it's funny Coosh, You are probably right about the references to spirits but they got the two biggest responses from an [admittedly juvenile], audience when we did it. There are a lot of ways it could have been tightened up. It was only lack of time and ability that stopped me and yes I did struggle to get the accent on the page. You should have heard the Nottingham/Cockney version, though! 
J
Funny
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 2nd January 2007
Really enjoyed this - especially the bubonic plague bit. I'm rubbish at translating accents from the page into my head but it didn't matter, I still liked this and it made me laugh so happy days :) 
 
Elli 
 
ps. ending was fantastic!
Hi Bubbles
Written by cynicsid (177 comments posted) 3rd January 2007
It's only me left here, he's gone off with the raggle taggle writers oh. 
 
A good laugh and a worthwhile read. 
 
Glad we Budgies aren't the size of Turkeys. The most we 'ave to put wiv at Xmas is Tinsel on the cage. 
 
Happy New Year 
 
Pretty Boy Siddie.

Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 6th January 2007
A belated happy New Year to you Jane. Loved this, plenty of nice comical touches. I think the Nottingham accent was best avoided in the interest of clarity...I loved the great surprise ending and I can see how the kids would have enjoyed it. I see a future in Pantomime scripting beckoning.... 
 
happy writing 
woody
Bravo
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 8th January 2007
Happy New Year Mrs. B. Just back from drunken fortnight in the Philippines, and perusing the Xmas offerings. A very competent entry here, with good use of language. Just the sort of thing that goes down well for a school production.  
 
Best regards 
 
G.
bonne annee
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 11th January 2007
hi jane 
 
and a happy new ear to you! 
 
i thought this was great. i read it a while ago and have been meaning to post a comment as it really did tickle my fancy. i may have to nick the concept and use it elsewhere. youre definatley one of the best on her when you put your mind to it. 
 
James

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 11th January 2007
I did manage to read this during all the holiday confusion and madness, but I did not get the time to write a review, as I was forbidden to use the computer from the 23rd through the 2nd, for more than five minutes per day. Making up for lost time now . . . 
 
This was just excellent, and I'll bet it went down very well. I love 'A Christmas Carrol,' but it can get hackneyed.  
 
My favorite line in this was 'Gets up a fair turn of speed with the dogs a nipping at his heels.' I have to say that I didn't mind the spirit references at all or think that they were overdone.

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