I cried myself to sleep. How foolish had I been to actually fall for some kind of demonic trick? All the humiliation washed all over me and drenched me with their foulness. How clueless was I when I accepted their offer of invitation? Only to find out that I had been used and deceived. After drugging me with one of their antics, the world around me began to spin and I soon found myself lying in one of their beds.

My clothes were torn from me and on those sheets, blood was splattered everywhere. It wasn’t a stranger’s blood but mine. One of them was getting dressed next to me. He winked as I looked at him.

“Hey babe. C’mon and get changed. We need to hurry.”

I nodded slowly while tears flowed down my face. My virginity was lost and could no longer be taken back.

I was driven home, only to find the house empty. The guy dropped me off and drove out, never to be seen again. I crashed to the floor and sobbed. How could life be so cruel?

Locking myself in my room, I refused to eat dinner when Mom came. Dad was nowhere to be seen but I already knew that he was at the bar. Even though Mom knew that he was probably cheating with some slut, she still stayed by his side. After all, he was the main provider for the family. Mom could barely manage with her minimum wage at the beauty salon. Most of the time, Dad ended up drunk and shout out random and stupid remarks about Mom and our family. Sometimes, he would slap and kick Mom for no reason at all, only to direct his anger in a different direction and then I would be the next target. Mom would always scream for him to stop, but he didn’t.

As I rested on the bed, I could hear the rumblings of Dad’s car come in. Hugging myself, I pulled the covers and pretended to be asleep.

In a few moments, Dad’s voice sounded. He entered with a large boom and swore violently while Mom tried to help him with his belongings.

“What do you want, you low-life-close-to-nothing woman! Huh? Is it this you want?” I heard Mom’s pleads and screams while he ranted through the room. I hugged myself tighter as the noise came close to my room. As much as I tried, my sobs came out uncontrollably. The noise stopped. Muffling my sounds, I waited and listened.

Suddenly, the my bedroom door was kicked out and I felt a pair of hands grab me roughly by the shoulders. Instantly, I was thrown to the wall where my head nearly missed the drawer.

“Get up, you maggot!” He pulled my up by my hair.

“Get up, I said!”

Tears welled up and flowed out. Mom’s pleads to let me go were ignored.

“Stop crying!” Dad bellowed.

“I c-a-an’t”, I answered meekly.

He dropped me to the floor where I felt my ribs cracking.

“Shut up! Your mouth is dirty and wasted. If I hear you arguing back to me again, you’ll be getting more from me.” He slapped me across my face.

“Do ya hear me?” He slapped me once again.

“Do ya?” Another slap hit me.

“Y-e-es.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes Dad.”

He finally stopped but not before kicking me squarely in the stomach. With that, he stormed out of my room and exited out the house. After the door slammed, I crawled over to Mom where her nose was bleeding badly.

“Let me help you, Mom.”

“No, I’m fine. Go back to sleep.”

Both of us had to use each other for supports. My legs could barely stand by themselves. Mom tucked me into bed and turned off the lights. There, more tears burst out and fell on my face. The taste of blood lingered in my mouth.

School comes and I force myself out of bed. The thoughts of yesterday still remain inside me. There’s no doubt that word will spread from the party. I dress in black, the only color I wear these days and applied black lipstick to my lips. To hide some of my bruises, I apply concealer to them. I wiggle my lip ring at the corner of my lips. It had been hooked there a couple years ago when my life had suddenly turned upside down. I look at myself in the mirror. Pain still surges throughout my body but I force myself to ignore it. Several bruises appear and I make sure that they are concealed.

I head out to the hall where I’m relieved that Dad had already headed out for work. Skipping breakfast, I exit out the door and drive out in our old Mustang. Instead of making a turn to school, I make the other turn and make a little joy ride. To face the other students would be humiliation. I didn’t want that at all.

Stopping by a local coffee shop, I ordered one small latte and drank it while I stopped by a couple more stores. In the morning, there was nothing to do. People were driving for work and kids were already at school. Just as I was passing by a car shop, I spotted a few people who dressed similar to me. They were all wearing black and looked completely Gothic. All of them stared at me as the Mustang drove by. I had the sudden urge to stop the car and go towards them but I didn’t. One of them was a really attractive yet dangerous-looking boy around my age. He had a Mohawk with blue and green streaks in it. On the far corner of his brow, several rings were hooked on it. But memories of my rape were still fresh in my mind and I didn’t trust any man for the time being.

After hours passed by, I decided to head back home only to leave the car and walk around a bit. Staying around the house wasn’t something I wanted to do. I slowly trudged along the sidewalk, just following wherever it led me. With no particular thought in mind, I felt the breeze gently stroke my cheek. Lost in my own thoughts, I didn't realize that I had ended up at the end of the sidewalk. Looking back, I realized that I had covered quite a distance. My stomach was growling but I refused to go back home and eat. Instead, I crossed the street and kept on walking where the sidewalk continued. Increasing my pace, my breathing became ragged and came in urgent breaths. For some reason, I just wanted to walk until the end of the universe, never to look back but just keep walking away from everything.

I kept walking until the end of the sidewalk came.

“Darn it!” I screamed.

I was forced to turn back but I was hesitant to. There was no longer any stretch of road or sidewalk left. Only a gate with a ‘Keep out’ sign. I had wanted so much to just go on and leave the past behind. Yet, I had been blocked and had to go back.

Ever so slowly, I sauntered the way back. All of the pieces and remnants of my life would never be put together. I would still be the same demented person I had been since a couple of years ago, only worse. Everything didn’t go the way I had expected; nothing had been in my decision or favor. Life wasn’t the way I thought it would be. It just wasn’t.

It took about an hour or so to arrive home. I wearily looked at the dingy house and stepped inside. Once inside, I felt a fluttery feeling in my stomach. Instinctively, I held my stomach, worried with feeling that I might be pregnant. What would Mom say? Dad would definitely be pissed. I rushed to the bathroom examined my stomach. It was still flat but imagine if one day it would become a hump. I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t let anybody notice.

From that day on, food was my punishment. No longer did I eat but exercised more often. After Mom and Dad left for work, I ran around the neighborhood until I felt sick to the stomach. I didn’t dare go to school until I felt sure enough that I could come back.

On one particular day, I decided to check to see if a baby was positive. Driving slowly to the doctor’s office, I felt my hands tremble when I reached for the handle of the front door. In the front desk, there was a kind young lady who seemed to be just a little older than me. She looked up as if surprised to see a student out so early and not at school.

“May I help you?” she asked, her voice quavering a bit.

“Um. M-a-ay I have an emergency appointment with Dr. Seewall?” I barely managed to say.

“Yes. She’s available right now. You just need to sign these papers with the name of your insurance. Do you have any ID or have you already been here before?”

I paused to think when I had been to the doctor’s office. It had been long ago. I had my own insurance and my driver’s license was here with me.

Hurriedly, I handed her my ID and filled out the forms.

“M’am, there’s a 25 dollar front desk fee.”

I turned around and handed her my Visa card. I had gotten it only for emergencies when I was 16, just the year when everything turned upside down. She swiped it quickly and handed it back to me. I pocketed it inside my jean pocket. Seating myself in a nearby chair, I waited impatiently for the doctor. In no time, an assistant ushered me in and swiftly checked my weight and temperature.

After I was settled in a small room, the small lady asked my purpose for being here. I hesitated and didn’t know what to say.

“Um. Is it okay if it’s kept confidential with the doctor?” I questioned.

She stared at me for a moment before nodding slowly.

“Yes, dear. You can. The doctor will be shortly.”

Once again, I waited impatiently. Every once in a while, my foot would jitter and my hands shook uncontrollably. The door finally opened and in stepped in the doctor. She was a middle-aged woman who was trusted by the community. Her glasses nearly took up her whole face and her long gray hair reached down to her waist, which she promptly tied up in a bun.

“So, Nora, I hear that you have something you want kept confidential.”

I nodded, nervous to near death.

“Would you like to tell me?”

I nodded once more.

“Doctor, I w-a-as wond-d-e-ering if I could do a pregnancy test.”

Her eyebrows drew up slightly.

“Okay. Is that all?”

“Yes.”

She examined me for a while.

“Nora, do you want to tell me anything else?”

Stopping to think, I wondered if I should tell her everything but then decided against it.

“No, Doctor.”

“If you have anything to tell-” She reached over to check my wrist for something in her eyes told me that she had spotted something.

“No.” But she had caught a small part of my wrist as I tried to hide my hand behind my back. There was a huge bruise that covered from my wrist to my bicep. I had forgotten to use the concealer.

"Nora, is there something you're hiding? I need to check your pulse."

"No. There's nothing. It's just that I fallen off the stairs a couple days ago and if left this huge bruise."

"That's not good for your health to be falling off things. Don't make it a habit."

I nodded briefly.

She stared my me curiously yet full of concern as well. I smiled weakly.

"It's fine. I really did fall off the stairs."

"We need to do some testing then. Even if you said you fell off the stairs, we still need to be make sure you're alright. Come with me please."

My heart beat was beating wildly as my thoughts raced. What happened if the doctor found out? I wondered if she really understood everything. Life had been a bastard to me. How could anybody understand the complex feelings I was trying to sort out?

She took my x-ray of my wrist first, and after examining them, she declared that there were no broken bones.

"Just be careful next time. You can't let this happen especially the time for a baby, if the results come out positive", she lectured me.

The test went smooth and efficiently. I quivered when we were finished. I had never expected the test to end so quickly. The doctor hummed during the time.

“When will the results come in?”

“It won’t be long. Soon, Nora. Don’t worry."

Before I was about to walk out the door, she called out, "Nora, if there's anything you need to talk about, just come to my office. It's always available."

Her words were stuck in my mind and I doubted that she would be able to help me. There was plenty to worry about and I couldn’t bear to think of it.

I dressed back in my regular clothes and drove back home. Thoughts bombarded my mine. What happened I did get pregnant? How would I deal with it? How would this affect everybody?

At home, I grabbed my jogging shoes and ran outside. With all my strength, I ran around until my head felt dizzy. Only then, I stopped to take a short break. But after, I kept on running here and there. The sky fell darker and I was forced to retreat inside.

Mom came home shortly after. She stumbled on the steps and almost fell if I had not caught her.

“Thanks dear.”

Several bags of groceries were to be hauled in. We barely talked but kept to work dutifully.

“I don’t feel hungry, Mom.”

“Okay.”

Trudging to my room, I fell on top of my bed and tucked myself until I dozed off.