INT: A bar with a long counter. Behind the bar stands a man, mid forties. The bartender.

A young gent enters and walks up to the bar

Bartender: "Good afternoon sir, what can I get you?"

Man "A Strongbow please"

The bartender bends down behind the counter and reappears with a large archery bow and places it on the bar.

Bartender "There you are sir, £2.70 please"

The man looks confused.

Man "Um, I wanted a *pint* of *strongbow* cider?"

Bartender "A *pint*? Oh no sir, that's how it comes from the brewery."

Man "I see, how about a Newcastle Brown?"

Bartender "A wise choice sir!"

He looks over to a group of customers sat at a far table. All are wearing Newcastle United shirts. We notice the one with his back to us has 'Brown' on his.

Bartender "Hey Tommy! Over here!"

The customer spots what's happening.

Man (To the bartender) "No, no. Don't bother"

The bartender waves Tommy away.

The bartender looks questioningly at the man, his head on one side. He sweeps a hand across the bar as if to emphasise the choice available and smiles.

Man "Boddies?"

The bartender opens a large upright freezer behind him and we can see through the swirling cold mist some frosty human forms.

Man " Oh Jesus!"

Bartender "How many would sir like?"

Man "No...really, I'm not.."

Bartender (shutting the door) "It's OK sir, not to everone's taste are they?"

Man "OK, OK, we'll forget the beer. How about a Famous Grouse?"

The bartender again bends down and reappears with a stuffed grouse dressed as Elvis. He places it on the bar.

Man (resigned) "Great.."

Bartender "No?"

Man "No"

The bird is put back and again the bartender stands and smiles.

Man "I've changed my mind. I'll have a small coke"

Bartender "I *beg* your pardon?"

Man "I said I'll have a small coke"

The bartender's usual amiable persona changes to angry. He lifts up the side counter, grabs the man by the collar and escorts him to the door.

Bartender "Get out! You druggies make me sick!"

He throws the man out and walks back behind the bar, wiping his hands together.

As he returns to his place, a group of well dressed, pretty office girls enter. They approach the bar.

Girl 1 "C'mon Mel, what do you want for your birthday drink? Have anything you like!"

Mel (seeing a neon sign above the bar, 'cocktails') Oooh! I'll have a Long Slow Screw Against the Wall then!"

As the scene fades, we see the bartender grinning lecherously and unbuttoning his shirt....

END