Constructive criticism and advice welcome A chair. Or rather half a bedroom chair piled high with discarded clothes. I can see an outdoor coat, a pair of pants, a vest. Most are hardly worn yet kitchen medals adorn a top, the pants were worn when cleaning the kitchen floor on hands and knees, so some are ready for the wash, some are lying about just waiting to be hung in the wardrobe.
The chair stands next to a bookcase. From this position, the bookcase looks as if it’s standing at an angle, as if one side is shorter than the other. It’s amazing then that the books don’t lean to one side, and that each shelf can hold the same size and volume of books. The bookcase is stuffed full of books with a few pamphlets laid on top. Favourite books, filled with poetry; tomes describing the horrors of the Great War; comic books capturing the escapades of Calvin and Hobbes. Atop the bookcase is the 3 year old photo-frame still waiting to be decked out with an appropriate photograph. A simple decision that is still to be made.
On the floor are still scattered a few Christmas gifts, from here they look as if they are at a higher level than the foot of the chair, almost as if they are elevated. Cartons of ‘smellies’ not yet opened for sniffing to allow for the contents to be allocated their new storage plot – bathroom, drawer or charity bag? A new book to be savoured, that won’t yet be slotted into a space in the bookcase. New shoes that he hasn’t yet tried on; plus a few plastic bags.
There is the Sunday paper, half read in bed and discarded when the telephone rang. Now left for collection and disposal, laid high up above the cartons and bags, almost touching the top window pane.
And then there’s a bed, or I should say part of a bed and a person lying on the bed. Oh, it’s me, lying flat on the bed which is at a 45 degree angle, yet I don’t fall off. In the sanctuary of the roof space on a dark winter morning, contemplating the day ahead, sipping a hot cup of tea, deciding what to wear and whether I’ll ever be able to write for a living.
The roof window slopes away showing a reflection of my space. Outside there are only stars.
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Written by Thatllbemethen (83 comments posted) 2nd January 2007 | Too many inanimate objects to consider here, without much interesting or emotional attachment.
Although the objects are meant to serve as clues towards personality I felt the author or narrator, whether yourself or a character was holding back the good stuff.
Intrigued so keep the prose coming. But easy on the prose if you know what I mean.
Cheers |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3369 comments posted) 2nd January 2007 | I thought this was an engaging piece. I liked the way you kept it moving, taking us from one view to the next. It was tightly and sharply written but as TBMT said it might have been better to concentrate on fewer objects and write about them in more detail to create a stronger mental picture but I could see what you were trying to do.
P.S don't know if you will earn a living by it but you can write
J |
Written by Phil (6738 comments posted) 2nd January 2007 | Yes you can write. I thought this was very good in parts. I liked the descriptions and the number of items you included didn't bother me - funny how different readers react differently. The thing that jolted me in the reading was the personal pronouns. This was a very detatched, descriptive piece, but as soon as there was more than just a hint of personality, the spell was broken for me. I think this would have worked better as a stand alone piece with the description alone. It could then have been worked into something longer with plot.
Just a personal take. Overall I think this certainly shows some talent.
Phil. |
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 2nd January 2007 | I totally go with phil on this one. It is definitely something that would do better as a part of a long piece. For me it turned out to be without any emotion or sense of involvement, if that's what you aimed at, then good job. I mean it is totally upto the writer how he/she wants it, but try weaving this into a long piece and lead it to some conclusion.
Chill,
TT | interesting
Written by johniebg (541 comments posted) 3rd January 2007 | I liked this, I remember sitting on my bed as a teenager and drawing my room and this reminded me of that moment, although you painted with words; not sure how this captivates but it really does. However, you havent quite got the words or pacing quite sorted, I have taken the liberty of taking a section to demonstrate;
"The chair stands next to a bookcase. From this position, the bookcase looks as if it’s standing at an angle, as if one side is shorter than the other. It’s amazing then that the books don’t lean to one side, and that each shelf can hold the same size and volume of books."
I am not to hot on the technicalities of grammar but think you have to many repeated nouns here, for instance the repetition of bookcase and books takes the reader out of the moment, could so easily sound more fluid;
"The chair stands next to a bookcase. From this position it seems to be standing at an angle, as if one side is shorter than the other. It’s amazing then that the books don’t lean to one side and that each shelf can hold an equal volume in both size and number."
Takes a little doing but is rewarding and gets easier with practise. Just a thought, good stuff. | Cheers
Written by sueas (8 comments posted) 4th January 2007 | Thanks for the comments and advice, people.
It really does help.
I haven't yet had a stab at a longer piece of work - I'm not sure I know how to go about it properly?
Strange what we each 'read' from works - it was detached, but there were meant to be undertones.
Cheers |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 5th January 2007 | I think that a writer can do a lot by describing a particular scene or place and leaving the reader to figure out what has happened and the relationship between the writer and the writer's environment. Readers don't necessarily want to read an entire book of this, but it is a still a good technique.
Your piece gave us a good idea of what you were doing and what you were not doing, and I found it engaging. And quite apart from all of that, I am delighted to have found a reference to Calvin and Hobbes. |
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