|
By Norby
|
|
13 June 2005 |
Hello everyone, this is my first submission to the site! This is perhaps the only poem I've ever written that I would say is worthy of show, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated! I wrote it when I was in a particularly sombre mood a few months ago, and it's about losing a love that you never had. The speaker of the poem is cursing himself for never being brave enough to tell the person he liked how he felt about them... I like the ending, because it leaves a lot to the readers imagination (i think!) Hope you enjoy the poem! Norby xx this sweet yet cruel rapture,
that I failed to capture,
haunting me,
always.
this prison,
my indecision.
what we could have been,
that now lies unseen.
you fall into my arms,
your subtle charms,
and because i delayed,
i paid. if only you knew how much i weep,
at the thought of my painful self deceit,
a wound,
that won't heal.
against your perfection,
and my own defection.
i long to be with you but know it can't be,
if only you know how you are tormenting me.
you are ideal,
but you are not real.
a sham, a lie,
now leave me to die. |
well captured
Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 13th June 2005 | you certainly convey it well
reads as a very raw emotional outpouring
can i respectfully suggest that you've got the basis there for something that can be powerful and excellent
TITLE - is it eye-catching, relevant to story? not sure- i think it's mor a paralysis of inaction that you convey-maybe there's a more apt eye catching title
BEGINNING - Does it hook you, lead into the story, relevance- does this very well
VOICE/VIEWPOINT - Does it come across well, show personality, is it right for the story, well handled? yes
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE - Do personalities show up; are they stereotypes; are they right for the story? yes
USE OF ENGLISH/STYLE - Does it read well? Imaginitive use of language/imagery/layout, does it show 'sparkle'? -needs a bit more polish Are there spelling errors/typos/jarring grammatical errors? nope-seems fine
DRAMA - Is there good use of action, enough tension/conflict? -this is where i feel you could get the reader more on your side
EMOTION - Are we swayed by the narrator and identify our emotions with the narrator? -see above-i feel you could get the reader more on your side
STORYLINE/PLOT - Is it evident? Is there a beginning,middle,end? Interesting/ original? yes, though it's a well trodden path, this anguish
THEME - What's the underlying meaning of the story? Was it evident? Understandable? -very well explained
ENDING - Are loose ends tied up? Are you let down? Was it expected/original? -could have been a bit crisper - i'm sure you could nail it with a bit more thought and work |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
