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For Children
Station Road - Intro and Chapter 1
By Phil
05 January 2007
This is the first couple of parts of a longish story for primary aged kids. I've already written about half of this and am struggling to finish. I thought if I started posting it, it might motivate me to try a litle harder.

I fear it may be a little old fashioned. I've also chosen an old guy to narrate this. Perhaps a daft choice for a children's story.

Don't know whether this should be here or in extended. Advice on this or anything else, much appreciated.

AN INTRODUCTION TO STATION ROAD AND THE GRIMSONS: INCLUDING ROVER.

In a pretty normal town, not too far away from here, was a pretty normal street.  The street was called Station road because at the bottom was the old railway station.  It isn’t used anymore.  In fact trains just shoot through without stopping.
Anyway, besides the noise of the trains it was a pretty quiet and tidy street.  All the people who lived there were very proud of their street.  That is, they would have been if it wasn’t for the people at number eight.  Number eight, the Grimson house, was terrible.

“Look at the state of that garden!” Mrs. Pugh would say.  Mrs. Pugh was a bit of a gossip; but it was true, the house was in a terrible state.

“Have you seen the filth on those windows?” said Mr. Johnson.

“I’d hate to think what their kitchen’s like,” said Mr. Samji.  (Mr. Samji was the school cook.)

“I wish they’d keep that dog locked up,” said Mrs. Douglas.  “You can’t go anywhere for stepping in dirt.”

“Yes,” said Mr. Douglas.  “And I’m sure it’s vicious.  The way it howls all night.”

Actually, most of the complaints from the neighbours were about the dog.  It howled all night (or so they claimed), it certainly left its little messages here, there and everywhere and it truly did look vicious.  In fact Rover wasn’t fierce, he was a very gentle dog, but he did look like he might eat anyone who so much as looked at him.

The Grimsons, who lived in number eight, didn’t fair much better with the neighbours.  Mr. Grimson was known as a scruffy lay-about.  You see, he didn’t have a job.  Mrs. Grimson was also called scruffy, but perhaps even worse than this, the neighbours called her a bad mother.  This brings us nicely to the children.

Michelle was eleven and in the top class at school.  She never wore a dress if she could help it and had her hair cut very short.  There was always a thin film of dirt covering her freckly face.  She was always climbing the one tree that stood at the corner of Station Road and Corporation Street.  The neighbours called her a tom boy and if anything went wrong, like broken windows for example, she always got the blame.

Billy was a year younger.  He was the one who the neighbours disliked the most.  Mrs. Pugh said she’d seen him smoking on the railway embankment.
“And he’s only eight!” she exclaimed.

Mr. Pugh said Billy used foul language and wouldn’t let his children play with him.  Actually, none of the people who lived on Station Road let their children with any of the Grimson children.  Of course, that didn’t stop it happening.

Lastly, there was Little Al.  Al was only three and didn’t go to school yet.  The neighbours didn’t actually dislike Al, they felt sorry for him.  He was always dribbling down his chin and never seemed to wear anything unless it had part of his last meal spilt down it.

“Poor little soul,” said Mrs. Bartholomew.  “He can’t even talk yet."

“I’m not surprised,” said Mrs. Samji.  “I’ll bet they never speak to him.”

“They,” of course, meant Mr. and Mrs. Grimson.

So now you’ve met the Grimsons and some of their neighbours.  You know what their neighbours thought about them because I’ve just told you.

However, not everyone who lived on Station Road was quite as rude about the Grimsons.  Mr. Brown’s my name.  Ted Brown.  At the time this all happened I lived at number ten.  I’d not long been retired and only just moved in. I moved to Station Road because I couldn’t face staying in the house I’d shared with Elsie for forty-two years.  When I moved in I didn’t know anybody and I wasn’t one for listening to gossip.

Anyway, this isn’t really my story, I’m only telling it for a friend.  I’ll tell you more about that at the end.  I must admit, I’ve added a few bits here and there and missed a few bits out, just to make it more interesting.  Anyway, if I wrote everything down, it would go on forever, and I can go on a bit.



Chapter one

Mr. Brown’s story.
OLD ENDINGS AND NEW BEGINNINGS.

I retired from work last year.  Thirty-eight years I’d worked there and only three days off sick.  That must be quite a record, especially these days.  By the time I’d finished I’d risen to chief store-keeper.  Instead of unloading lorries and stacking shelves, filling forms and then carrying all the bits around the factory when people needed them, I had three young men to do it for me.  All I had to do was check they did it right.  I was responsible, so if anything went wrong it was me who got into trouble.  “Old Ted” they called me, the three young blokes.  But they didn’t mean any harm by it.  Anyway, I was old.

After thirty-eight years in one place you’d think I would have been glad to be leaving, but I wasn’t.  You see I’d grown so used to going to work that I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.  I was looking forward to spending more time with Elsie my wife, but I wasn’t sure if she liked the idea of having me home all day.

When I left they had a whip round and bought me a gold watch.  There wasn’t much of a pension but Elsie and I had never had much and I knew we would manage.
I needn’t have worried about Elsie.  She loved having me at home and I must admit I enjoyed it too.  Every Thursday we’d go to Suncliff-On-Sea.  It’s not far on the bus and it didn’t cost much because we both had our bus passes.

One Thursday, it was early summer, we were strolling along the prom when Elsie said, “Harry love, let’s have an ice cream eh?  It’s such a lovely day.  We can sit here and watch the world go by while we eat them.”

Elsie sat down on a bench and I went off to buy the ice cream.

“Elsie love, I’ve got your favourite. Vanilla choc ice,” I said when I got back.  But Elsie couldn’t hear me.  She sat there looking beautiful and happy, but when she didn’t answer straight away, I knew she was dead.


After the funeral I kept on doing the things Elsie and I used to do together.  Every Thursday I’d go to Suncliff-On-Sea and walk along the prom.  I’d even sit on the bench where I’d left Elsie to go and buy ice creams.  At least, I thought, she was happy when she went.

It wasn’t the same when I came back to an empty house though.  I’d remember all the things we’d done and just upset myself.  So after a lot of thought I decided to move.  When I sold the house I had just enough money to buy a small terrace in a nice street called Station Road.  It was closer to the bus stop for my visits to the seaside and within walking distance of the cemetery.  I went there every Sunday after church and laid flowers on the grave.


Reviews
HI Phil
Written by jean.day (2208 comments posted) 5th January 2007
I enjoyed this beginning of your story and look forward to the rest of it.  
 
I don't think having an old man tell the story for children is a bad idea - most of them will have grandfathers who probably are great story tellers - so will relate to it in that way. 
 
I'm not sure about the idea of having the idea of the woman die while he was out getting her ice cream was one I would have used. I think the kids (depending on their ages) might find this a very worrying thing. That death could happen so quickly and without warning in a social situation by the seaside. Death no matter how you dish it up has got to be traumatic. Maybe by keeping it quick and simple you did do the right thing. 
 
I did a quick intake of breath when you said the girl hardly ever wore a dress. If this was set in the 60's maybe that would be the case - but I would think girls in most schools would be allowed to wear trousers and most would choose to do so. Maybe if the school had a dress code and forbad girls wearing trousers and she was breaking the rules, then it would count.  
 
We have the untidyest garden and dirtiest windows in our neighborhood too - but it doesn't bother us, and I don't really think it bothers our neighbours too much.  

Written by Phil (6435 comments posted) 5th January 2007
Wouldn't bother me either - so long as your weeds didn't seed into my garden! I sacked our window cleaner about six years ago for claiming he'd washed the windows when he hadn't. They've been done twice since with one of those pole things. 
 
Thanks for the comments. It did occur to me I was dealing in stereotypes a bit here. They probably need shaking up a bit. The part about Michelle hardly ever wearing a dress is from Mr. Brown's point of view - old school values. If it didn't come across like that I'll probably have to change it. 
 
I almost left the death scene out altogether, but I often think kids are protected from too much these days. Perhaps you're right though. Death as sudden and arbitary as that can be very frightening. I'll have to think on that one. 
 
Thanks Jean. Very helpful comments. 
 
Phil.

Written by LynB (433 comments posted) 5th January 2007
Hi Phil. Not much I can add to what Jean has said really, except I found this a very interesting and entertaining piece. I thought you described the characters and their personalities very vividly, and I will certainly be looking out for the next chapter! :)
Hi Phil
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 5th January 2007
This might get more attention over in extended but fits equally well in either category I'd say. I enjoyed this - an intriguing beginning with some nice touches. Without being too obvious you paint a vivid picture of the type of street that Ted lives in. I thought the language was good for the target audience as well - simple without being simplistic.  
 
There's something for the adults here as well as the kids I reckon in some of the subtler touches. 
 
A couple of points - why does Elsie call Ted Harry? Am I missing something? You use 'pretty' a couple of times on top of eachother at the beginning and a couple of 'anyways' packed together further on - always going to be a problem when writing in this kind of style. Nothing that a proof read and edit won't solve though. 
 
'I needn’t have worried about Elsie. She loved having me at home and I must admit I enjoyed it too. Every Thursday we’d go to Suncliff-On-Sea. It’s not far on the bus and it didn’t cost much because we both had our bus passes.' 
 
For me the transition between I enjoyed it too and the next sentence seemed very abrupt. I felt like I maybe wanted another sentence in between...but that might well just be me! 
 
The death was abrupt but that makes for quite a powerful image, disturbing maybe but not excessively so. Good read, I look forward to more. 
 
Elli 

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3174 comments posted) 12th January 2007
Hi Phil just got round to this I've got some comments to make but I'll go straight to the next chapter 
J
great!
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 18th March 2007
Hi Phil (sorry if i repeat comments haven't read what the others have written) starting at chapter one, and i really liked it. It had an almost sing song quality to it and i loved how it even rhymed in some places (was that intentional?). It made it very appealing.  
I liked that an old man was the narrator, everyone loves their Grandpa, although the death was a little unsettling, but in retrospect a good idea as I think children can often be sheltered too much. It did give the story a slight sinister feel though but i suspect that was an intention. Grimson house doesnt sound like a happy or normal house! I also love how the names of people and places are very odd, it sparks my imagination and i'm sure a child's even more.
Hi, Phil
Written by Josie (2539 comments posted) 12th June 2007
Late, but hopefully, not too late. I have read the above comments and agree with the others. There are a few tiddly little things, which are probably what I'd notice having been a teacher of English all my life: Station Road (capital R);  
"if anything went wrong it was me who got into trouble" - should be "I" eg I got into trouble. 
Old Ted” they called me, the three young blokes. - I know people speak like this, but it would read just as well shortened to: “Old Ted” was what the three young blokes called me (comma) but they didn’t mean any harm by it. I was old. I know people start sentences with "but" - but in this case, there is not a complete sentence after it.  
 
You see I’d grown so used to going to work that I wasn’t sure what I was going to do (when I didn’t go to work). I think you needed this last bit to make sense of it. 
 
Hope you don't mind my "picky" little comments. The story takes off really well. I'll not be "picky" again because I think you can see these little things for yourself. I have been in the business of trying to get young people to recognize the difference between phrases and sentences etc. With my students, (business studies), it was so important as letters are ambassadors of firms who send them out.

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