A first attempt to extend a metaphor. A first draft. I know exactly what I mean - don't know if anyone else will. Comments much appreciated.
What lies between?
What lies between the certainties
Of paving slabs
As we alter our gait
To miss the cracks?
Solid concrete ideas
That bear the weight of our existence
Reliably lie one
Next to the other:
Row upon row,
Squeezing out the spaces between.
Walk.
See the pretty, brightly painted bungalow
With neat symmetrical garden.
See the path.
Slabs laid perfectly
With tidy cement in the spaces
To hold off the dirt and grime
That gets trapped between.
See the eternally grinning gnome
Fishing in a painted pool
Standing by this neat
Orderliness.
Walk further,
Much further.
Feel the uneven ground beneath your feet.
Avoid the rogue stone that
Squirts the unaware
With foul juices from below.
Look down,
See cracked pavements,
Spaces sprouting weed,
Concealing
God knows what.
What lies between the certainties
Of paving slabs
As we alter our gait
To miss the cracks?
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wow
Written by tat_2man (56 comments posted) 5th January 2007 |
I really liked this poem because of the visualism. Very nice Phil. And yes I do know what you mean.  |
Excellent
Written by Talisker (1321 comments posted) 5th January 2007 |
Very good metaphor. Sometimes I feel that I have fallen in the crack between the slabs.
I think that this will work for most people - but interpretations will be different. I see it as an examination of the safe route/risky route choices we make throughout life. What is between those slabs? Probably nothing but our fear and trepidation.
I like the repetition of the second stanza at the end, it sums up the whole thing for me. I also like the grinning gnome - something sinisterly innocent if I can use an oxymoron.
Hey Phil, you are turning into a real poet! I'll have to look to my laurels! 
Oli |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 5th January 2007 |
Phil, this is just brilliant.
There are many things I like about this poem. I like the careful wording, the rhythm, and the fact that it is somewhat open to interpretation. The neat, clean slabs of what we can see contrasted with the weeds and mud they are keeping from us -- mud and weeds that we get a peek at once in a while. And that mindless gnome, sitting there and ignoring everything -- a wonderful touch. |
Hi Phil
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 5th January 2007 |
| I thought this was really good. It certainly forced me to think a lot - to try to find out what you were really saying beneath the surface. I'm not sure I got it right, but I am impressed all the same. |
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 5th January 2007 |
I really like this...I had to read it over a few to times in order to get my dim little brain to function, but I thought it was excellent.
My interpretation: similar to what has already been mentioned - there could me many.
Excellent descriptions, love the metaphor - reminds me of when I was younger and I used "dodge the cracks" because if we stood on them, it was bad luck.
Best wishes,
E
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Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 5th January 2007 |
this is brilliant!! beautiful imagery and metaphors. 
rilLie |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 6th January 2007 |
| I like this as well. It's a very interesting, detailed look at the influence that fear and a desire for safety have on one's life. The metaphor is sound and I like the way you forsake the usual first person/second person approach to create something more objective which many can relate to. My favourite parts are the commands at the beginning of stanzas 4 and 5. Great work |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 7th January 2007 |
You see where all this poetry leads, Phil it's metaphor now but what's next; allegory, kenning, trope, litotes? Your'e getting into hardcore poetry. I must say I preferred your earlier poem, maybe not as clever but I thought it had more heart
cheers
J |
Written by wattle (117 comments posted) 7th January 2007 |
| Mr Phil (I’m being formal today), There is something very regal about this piece of verse. It belongs in a well worn collection on my Grandmother’s library shelf; the one I was forbidden from touching without supervision. I like it very much, thank you. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 9th January 2007 |
As above I liked the metaphor here and there are some great touches in this like the previously mentioned gnome
I do think this would have benefited from being shorter. For example, in the stanza beginning Walk. there are a lot of references to orderliness - probably too many, more than you need to get the point across. Cutting out the repetition of ideas apart from where you're using the repetition to make a specific point would IMO increase the impact.
I liked this a lot and got a lot out of it without feeling preached at
Elli |
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