I left you sitting in the snow
in the old school playground,
all those misty years ago,
before our love was sound.
Tears burned your cheeks
like acid drips,
their silvery streaks
salting your petted lips.
I sneaked a look
and saw your shoulders heave.
How your body shook,
I couldn’t leave.
I turned around,
came back to you,
hauled you from the frozen ground,
you left a melted tattoo.
I kissed the salty lips,
and the chilled cheeks,
dusted snow from salopetted hips.
We dared not speak.
All those misty years ago,
before our love was sound.
Oli 05/01/07
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Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 5th January 2007 |
Stunning. Really like this.
I found the rhyming a little akward in places - the 3rd stanza for example. Just my personal opinion.
This didn't take away from the beauty of it though, I don't think it needs the rhyme.
E
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Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 5th January 2007 |
Oli, I hardly know where to start with this. I'd barely got further than verse one when I was reminded of Yeats: 'When you are old and grey and full of sleep....' one of my very favourites - except this is like a prequel.
I really must be going soft because there was more than a tear in my ear when I'd finished - and it's not even sad - it's beautiful.
This is one of those poems that has resonance.(at least for me)
Weasel? If it is, make sure she reads it. She'll love you for it. If not her, perhaps best kept in cyber space.
Wonderful, stunning, tender, beautiful - totally.
Thanks, Phil. |
Written by LynB (435 comments posted) 5th January 2007 |
I think Phil has said it all.....
It describes the kind of love some people can only dream about, the kind that has eluded me so far. Heartwrenching, yet beautiful.
I loved it.  |
Written by poetwithnorhyme (11 comments posted) 5th January 2007 |
Can't say much more than "Ditto"
I enjoyed it very much.
I am kind of distracted by the word "sneaked" though. I want to change it to "snuck." |
yep
Written by B.D. (82 comments posted) 5th January 2007 |
Can't help but agree with everything that's been said.
Wonderful! |
Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 5th January 2007 |
ditto, then.  |
Absolutely beautiful...
Written by roxyhope (8 comments posted) 6th January 2007 |
| I think this must be one of my favorite reads in a a very long time. Someone suggested that the rhyming seemed a bit off, and even if this is so I dont think it makes a difference because rhyme or no rhyme it is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for the wonderful read. Kia kaha, Rox |
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 7th January 2007 |
| Oh, Oli - how lovely. We always remember our first loves. I wonder how old you were? She would be flattered to know that you were writing about this occasion all these years later. (well, perhaps 25 years?) ha ha. Really enjoyable read. |
Written by wattle (117 comments posted) 7th January 2007 |
| Mr Oli, I like this; I've not pictured you as an old romantic, but the poem speaks for you. Yes, half of all who read will run out looking for doors to open. Thank you. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 9th January 2007 |
Yep, good one Oli. Simple and elegant and I liked it.
Elli |
dude, many reviews...
Written by no1butClo (339 comments posted) 10th January 2007 |
I like, nice and simple. Reminded of snow patrol lyrics, except this is tasteful and not quite as suicidal.
what does salopetted mean? [PM please ]
clo x |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 11th January 2007 |
oh.. i loved it!!!! speechless... i hate it when a great poem denies me the simple task of critiquing!!
well done
Fran |
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