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Poetry
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Dark Stars
By B.D.
06 January 2007
Love problems seem to be the easiest to write about. I thought it would be fun to do it backwards & go from night to day, winter to autumn and end it with morning. By the way, I don't drink. =)

There's going to be a night when the moon will glow

and the darkest stars will shine.


A day I will notice beauty in the shadows;

a day when i won't need the sunshine.


There's going to be a winter when it won't be cold;

a winter when I can say "I'm fine" and not have to lie.


There's going to be an autumn when the reds & yellows will make me smile;

an autumn when I can walk past you in the street and say "hi."


There's going to be a morning when I won't awake with tears on my face;

a morning I'll awake with a smile and be ready for the day, all prepared.


That's going to be the one when I have you beside me...

or the one when I'm just too drunk to care you're not there.

Reviews

Written by fellpony (1618 comments posted) 6th January 2007
Hmmm ... this starts with a very nice idea, that of going from negative to positive, but the lines get longer as the poem progresses and lose their metre, which is noticeable and feels sloppy when you've tried hard to find rhymes. 
 
Don't like the last line - this is bathos (not pathos).  
 
There's a germ of a good poem in here but it needs some more careful shaping. 
 

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 9th January 2007
As above - not tight enough and too many cliches in here. For me - an interesting idea but not enough concentration on the execution... 
 
Elli
Accolades and humble suggestions...
Written by andybyers (171 comments posted) 1st August 2007
This is wonderful. There’s a lot of potential in this. Some of it is quite enviable. 
If I may, I’d like to offer a couple of suggestions. First of all, I hadn’t even noticed it was intended to rhyme until someone else pointed that out. Looking back, I agree that it’s part of what causes the work to lose some of its impact as it moves along. Something strong is sacrificed to the rhyme. If you were willing to rework it, I’d stick to the imagery and the rhyming structure be damned, because you have some nice work here. 
I think your first three stanzas are the heart of the poem. They made me sit up and take notice; the poet in me drooled. The first, slight, off-note was the mention of autumn. Up till then, the poem is about ironies. But there’s nothing ironic or unusual in fall colours making someone happy. I feel your poem would be strong if you took it to winter, and let the narrator pass the addressee by with a “hello”. What you’re aiming at here is a moment of normality again, when healing is complete, and the tying up of your ironies. I think that would do it nicely. 
I congratulate you, all the same, on this pleasing and inspiring piece.

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