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By roxyhope
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06 January 2007 |
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Oh
Sugary moistness
Swirling secretively
With me,
You leave
Behind the
Waltzing butterflies
Playing a soft
Melody for only you and me
A slight shiver
Trickles down my body
As your fingers
Make love to my outer shell
Our bodies
Become a canvas
And our peach beauty
Begins to portray
All the colors of passion
The fiery red
Burns through us
Allowing the world to see
That there is such as thing as
Love
Even if we are forever apart
These radiant colors
Will always glow deeply within me |
Written by wattle (117 comments posted) 6th January 2007 | | Ms Roxy, May I suggest a title. I like ‘forbidden’ it’s simple, elegant and to the point. I like your poem, hope you and yours are well and you are smiling beautifully. |
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 6th January 2007 | Not to sure about this one Roxy.
Can butterflies waltz or indeed play melodies?
If its about "making love", surely this would be in private (?) and the "world" wouldn't see anything?
Some nice words - sensual, but needs work for me.
Oli  | Explanation
Written by roxyhope (8 comments posted) 6th January 2007 | Talisker.. This poem is not about making love although I am sure it can be seen that way. I will break it down:
Oh
Sugary moistness
Swirling secretively
With me,
(this part talks about a shared intimate kiss)
You leave
Behind the
Waltzing butterflies
Playing a soft
Melody for only you and me
(You are right butterflies do not do the waltz or play a soft melody, and I didnt mean it figuratively. The waltzing butterflies represent the fluttering one would feel in their stomach when excited/nervous about something)
A slight shiver
Trickles down my body
As your fingers
Make love to my outer shell
(This represents a passionate caress)
Our bodies
Become a canvas
And our peach beauty
Begins to portray
All the colors of passion
The fiery red
Burns through us
Allowing the world to see
That there is such as thing as
Love
Even if we are forever apart
These radiant colors
Will always glow deeply within me
(This is simply trying to explain that when a person is in true love, I feel that it shows through us. There is a new twinkle in the eye, a new energy about a person... Maybe others do not see it this way though)
Either way, you are write I do believe this piece needs a bit of work. I am one to write and never edit things though. I cannot force myself to write. Thank you so much for always leaving a comment on my works. It is greatly appreciated. Kia kaha, Rox | oops... typo correction
Written by roxyhope (8 comments posted) 6th January 2007 | | In my post about I wrote "Either way, you are write" I meant right not write. Sorry about this |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 6th January 2007 | I've come back to this a couple of times now - some of it I like very much. Bearing in mind your reply to Oli above...I'm not sure 'sugary moistness' necessarily works well in this context. I also think that, if you were to edit this, the second half could do with being a little bit more 'obvious' in places. One other little quibble - I'm not keen on some of the very short lines in this - breaks the sense of the piece up a lot for me.
I like the idea as you've explained it above and I personally liked 'waltzing butterflies' and also 'peach beauty'. Some very nice touches in here.
Elli |
Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 6th January 2007 | | Like Oli, I recognise some good phrasing and images, but for me this is too sickly sweet. Sorry, Phil. |
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 6th January 2007 | Thanks so much Roxy! I'm honoured and humbled that you took the time to explain this poem to me.
Your notes certainly help - it does have a certain beauty to it - I suppose its all in the interpretation - I do tend to be a bit "literal".
Many thanks again!
Oli |
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