Saviour - Great Writing Creative Writing Community

Quicklinks:

Great Writing - Home > Short S. > Saviour

READING ROOM

Great Writing - Home

Read and review others' work

Articles on writing

Advice from the community

COMMUNITY

Talk to others in the forums

Events and Competitions

GW News

ABOUT GREAT WRITING

All About Us

WORK AWAITING REVIEW
This list is randomly generated from all our published works. Cruising by Lizzy And a Villanelle for Lif... by Katanga The Smell of Loneliness by Emmuttmax Tears by bloodange77 Lost and Alone by Charisma25 A Heavenly Trio by Talisker New Love Haiku Set by Toad Seduction by patterjack Wanted - Good Sense Of H... by Snodlander Dying by Diddi

GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.

WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1728 guests online and 6 members online Emmuttmax footy Fledermaus sarahh Canadian_Bacon jesse2

WHO'S ONLINE

Emmuttmax

footy

Fledermaus

sarahh

Canadian_Bacon

jesse2

Shorts


print friendly version
Saviour

By fantasticcheese

06 January 2007

I wrote this a while ago and was going to write a longer story, but it got buried. I just found it again recently and decided not to continue with it but leave it as it is. There are far more questions that way.

The body lays face down on the dirt at my feet.

The gun, probably still smoking, is hot in my hand.

The silence makes my head ache.

Then, gradually, the world returns to normal. A bird starts to sing in a nearby tree. The wind is audible again, whistling through the tall grass behind me. An aeroplane a mile above me. But still I stare down at the body.

I guess I only stood there for a minute but it felt like I had enough time to think a thousand thoughts and feel a thousand feelings, maybe a million; and they came not in an organised, oriented way as I imagined they would, but randomly, jumbled, recent and distant, sad, happy, heart melting, angry, bewilderment, despondency, fulfilment.

After that minute I looked around me and saw nothing except a new chapter beginning in the world and the whole world was looking back at me waiting for me to enter it. I breathed for the first time. I sucked in the air and tasted it and it tasted of early spring mornings and of the earth after a rainfall and of the countryside on a summers day and my lungs felt like they were brand new.

I do not feel scared anymore, but replenished.

I think not of any consequences of my actions over the last two weeks but of the difference it makes to the rest of my life and those around me. I expect to feel a weight lifting from my shoulders and to feel light on my feet but instead there is a pain behind my nose like I am about to cry.

I do not ask any questions and the birds and the grass and the air around me do not ask any either. They do not wonder why this is. They say to me, we accept this, go on your way. The time for questions has been and gone.

It is now I realise I must go; I must go immediately but turning my eyes away from this scene for the last time will be the most singularly difficult thing I will ever have to do in all my days.

I close my eyes, open them. Take in one last look. Then I step backwards once, turn and walk away from the body of my son.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 6th January 2007

There are far more questions this way, but perhaps far too many. Fine to end with a hook, but the whole piece is a little on the vague side and left me slightly dissatisfied. Others may see this differently.

Having said all that, your words flow well. I really liked the three simple sentences that begun your piece.

Phil.

absurdity?
Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 6th January 2007

This is rather like the central shooting in Camus' "L'Etranger" (The Outsider). Are you trying for the same effect of absurd literature? Nothing really matters except the physical?

Like Phil, I'm not sure I see the point of the final sentence.

Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 7th January 2007

The fifth para: 'I guess I only stood there...' is difficult to read. There are a number of reasons for this. First, it is one huge sentence. Second, it mixes nouns and adjectives. e.g. 'angry, bewilderment'. To me this would read better as either 'anger, bewilderment' or 'angry, bewildered'.

Some of the other sentences have several 'and's in them, making it difficult to read and breathe at the same time. I'm not sure whether this is intentional or not.

An intriguing short. This could be an intro to a story running backwards, as it were.

Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 7th January 2007

P.S. a bigger font would make it easier to read

Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.

Previous item		Next item