Great Writing - Home > SF > The Healer
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1748 guests online and 6 members online
Science Fiction and Fantasy
The Healer
By Radishimo
06 January 2007
There was a lot I still wanted to do to this story, but I was constrained by time and so here it is.  Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.


The Healer


  As the hooded figure of Tendo Reborion made its way, staff in hand along the river bank, the wind was carrying yellow and brown leaves from the trees behind him and scattering them over the freshly ploughed fields to his right. A stone’s throw ahead of him huddle the dozen or so wooden huts that together formed the village of Birchaven. It was market day and a handful of stalls lined either side of the cart track that cut through the village. Reborion could see that business was slow for the traders, maybe it had something to do with the ominous black clouds rolling in over the forest behind him. As he glanced back over his shoulder, the wind drew back his hood to reveal the face beneath. It wasn’t the shaggy blonde beard that Reborion wanted to conceal, neither was it his deep blue eyes, it was the pale blue colour of his face that he did not wish the villagers to see. Quickly, he pulled the hood forwards again so that his face was fully shadowed. His hands were a more normal flesh colour. Some of the traders shouted greetings to him as he entered the village but he ignored them, making his way to the spice trader, a rotund man in heavy furs. He peered into the man’s cart.

  "Good, I’ll take four cloves of garlic," he said in a slow croaky voice as he produced a leather pouch from somewhere beneath his cloak.

  "One silver coin then sir," chirped the trader trying to smile at the face beneath the hood.

  Reborion paused, "what?"

  The trader was about to repeat the price when an armoured man on horseback, thundered into the village. The villagers scooped up their young children and retreated into their huts. The rider removed his helmet to reveal a clean shaven face, brown hair was flattened onto the man’s head.

  "Let all who want to live, listen well!" roared the man.

  The people faltered as they were trying to hide. There were whispers of recognition.

  "Why it’s Argel’s boy Hondor come back to us!"

  "The Baron is riding this way and he aims to burn this village to the ground. Every last man, woman and child will be slaughtered! We must flee into Birchaven Wood, to the caves at the centre." At this, the villagers sprang into action gathering what belongs they could carry whilst the traders started packing up shop.

  "One silver coin it is then," said Reborion grabbing the trader’s arm as he gathered up his spices. The trader shrugged him off, grunting at him. Reborion grabbed him again, "I must have that garlic." At this the grader thrust the cloves into Reborion’s hand and grabbed the silver coin.


  Pulling his hood forwards against the wind, Reborion hastened back north along the cart track ahead of the first few villagers. Half walking, half running he continued for a mile or so along the track. Meanwhile the sky had darkened considerably and the first few cold spots of rain were falling. Glancing back at the refugees coming up behind him, Reborion pushed through the bushes and into Birchaven Wood. Once hidden by the foliage, he broke into a lurching run, inadvertently kicking up fallen leaves as he did so. After a few minutes of weaving through the silver birch trunks, he arrived at the foot of a rocky hillock. The trees gave way to thick bushes at it’s base. Reborion ran to the opposite side and glanced quickly around. Then he pushed aside a holly bush with his staff to reveal an opening in the rock. He plunged into the gap and the undergrowth closed behind him. In the darkness, Reborion struck a flint and lit a lantern, which he placed high in a crevice. The chamber was long, roughly the size of two carts set end to end. It was furnished with two chairs and a long table, crudely fashioned from wooden branches. A plethora of assorted bottles and vials littered the place. Reborion laid his staff against the wall and hung his cloak on it. The green tunic he had on was once fine, but was now tattered and dirty. He turned back towards the entrance and remained motionless for a few moments. Then he went over to the table where a black pot the size of a man’s head, sat amidst an array of glass vials. He carefully moved the pot to the side and reached for an ornate marble pestle and mortar. He then produced the four cloves of garlic and proceeded to crush them. As he worked he would occasionally pause to listen. After some time, he put down the pestle and carefully poured the juice that had been produced from the garlic into the black pot. Suddenly he heard voices from outside. Quickly, he doused his lantern and went to the entrance. Through the holly branches, he could see the villagers rushing by as they headed deeper into the wood. He watched until the renegade knight, Hondor rode past, bringing up the rear. When they were out of earshot, Reborion relit his lantern and went back to the pot. He grabbed a black iron ladle and stirred. Occasionally he would lift the ladle up and let the contents pour darkly, back into the pot. Then he put the ladle down and closing his eyes, he held his right hand over the pot. He breathed in deeply and then uttered a series of strange syllables. Slowly he opened his eyes and looked down into the pot. With a trembling hand he lifted the ladle to his lips. He quickly took a gulp and put the ladle back. His pale blue face contorted for an instant as he went over to a chair and slowly sat down. He took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes. For a while everything was still in the cave, only the flickering of the lantern caused the shadows to dance. Suddenly a twig cracked somewhere. Reborion’s eye snapped open wide. He hurriedly went over to the pot, jammed a lid onto it and hid it in a crevice. To completely conceal it, he moved a stone over it. The holly bush was suddenly pulled back and the dim grey daylight streamed in. A burly soldier entered, holding a burning torch. For a moment he stood blinking, but when he saw Reborion, he flinched and drew his sword.

  "I’m not with the villagers," croaked Reborion.

  The soldier ignored him and called out "Get in here, quick!" Two more soldiers appeared. Reborion tried to convince them that he was harmless, but they advanced on him, swords drawn. They slashed him cutting his forearm to the bone as he held up his arms to protect himself. He screamed as a blade sank into his stomach. The soldiers stood back as he collapsed onto his table and then onto the leaf covered ground. Then the three of them upturned the table, smashed whatever they could and left.


  Reborion opened his eyes. His lantern was still burning. Quickly, he reached to his stomach and slowly, his blonde beard cracked into a grin. He lifted up his shirt and wiped away the fresh blood. All that remained of the mortal wound was a pale pink scar on his torso. It was the same with the slashes on his forearm. Chuckling, he got to his feet and looked around him. Abruptly, his smile disappeared, he scrambled over to where he’d hidden the pot. The stone was still in place, he pushed it aside and his chuckling resumed. Fishing around in the debris and pulled out a leather wineskin. He carefully decanted the thick dark liquid from the pot into the wineskin. Salvaging what he could, he threw some supplies into a leather rucksack, grabbed his cloak and staff and left.


  Outside, it was raining and there was no one in sight. He headed back east towards the cart track and the river. As he reached the track, he saw one of the women from the village running with a small child in her arms. He crouched behind some nettles. Suddenly a soldier on horseback came charging into view, sword drawn. The blade caught her high in the back and bit deeply. Woman and child fell forward into the mud. The soldier dismounted and quickly ran them both through with his sword before getting back onto his horse, ignoring the screams and riding off without looking back. Reborion found that he could not tear his eyes away from the child as the woman tried to shelter it from the rain with her body and stroked it’s head. Suddenly he found himself running over to the pair. They were no longer screaming now. He laid one hand on the child’s head and the other on the woman’s. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and uttered more strange syllables. Slowly the woman sat up, then the child got up and reached out to her. She swept it into her arms, laughing and sobbing at the same time. Then she turned to Reborion.

  "You are the Hooded One from the wood. We owe you a debt that can never be repaid sir," she said solemnly.

  "You’ll both be fine now, lets get off the track before more soldiers come."  Reborion led the way back to his cave. Inside, the lantern was still lit. The woman glanced around at the destruction.

  "You should both be safe here, they’ve already been," croaked Reborion.

  "Thank you, for everything," said the woman, stroking the child who was staring wide-eyed at the hooded figure before it. Reborion grunted and made to leave. "You must helm them, please!" the woman grabbed his sleeve. Reborion turned back to her. "My husband and the others, they’re surrounded at the rocks in the centre of the wood." Reborion glanced at the woman then at the child. Their large, dark eyes were glistening in the flickering light. Silent for a few moments, he then drew a deep breath.

  "Alright," he said quietly. "Stay here, I will return with your husband."


  As Reborion crouched in the shrubbery around the giant rock formation at the centre of the wood, he could see riders on guard amongst the boulders. There was shouting and screaming echoing from a large cave in the side of the rock. He watched for a while. There were four men, two of them sat on their horses and the other two had dismounted and were stood facing into the cave. He was just about to get to his feet when an arrow flew from the foliage and took one of the mounted men in the back. As their comrade toppled off his horse, the others dived for cover behind the rocks. One of the soldiers returned fire with a crossbow. The bolt disappeared into the bushes. Then the other two soldiers dashed from cover, running stooped over in an attempt to flank their unseen attacker. They both made it to the bushes without being shot at. Suddenly a man with a long bow ran from the bushes, retreating away from the soldiers. A crossbow bolt took him low in the back and he fell to the ground. He got to his feet again and staggered on, but he two soldiers caught him and ran him through with their swords. They left him bleeding to death and returned to the cave. Reborion sneaked over to the dying archer, got out his wineskin and poured some of the liquid into one of his stab wounds. After a few moments, the man sat up, checked himself over and looked up in amazement and the hooded figure before him.

  "Until this time tomorrow, you will immediately heal from almost any wound," said Reborion.

  "I am Argel Shatterblade, I owe you a great debt Hooded One," said the archer solemnly. He was a wiry man with short, brown hair, greying at the sides.

  "Tendo Reborion."


  The pair sneaked back to the cave to find the three soldiers now positioned partially inside the cave. Shatterblade took careful aim and when he fired, the crossbow wielder dropped, an arrow buried in his chest. Again the remaining soldiers took cover. Shatterblade drew a knife, then he and Reborion charged into the cave mouth. There was a brief struggle where Reborion and Shatterblade were wounded badly, but managed to overcome the soldiers. With all of the soldiers out of action, they took a few moments respite whilst their wounds healed. The cave opening was actually the start of a large winding tunnel and the sound of more fighting could be heard coming from somewhere further inside. As they made their way into the cave, then came upon half a dozen bodies littering the tunnel. Shatterblade pointed to one of the bodies, "he is one of us," he said, looking over at Reborion. Reborion examined the body, "I can do nothing for this man, he is already dead." They rounded a corner and arrived at the battle scene. The baron stood in his suite of armour at the rear while his soldiers filled the tunnel ahead of him. At the front, the fighting could be glimpsed. Suddenly there was a great cry. The soldiers scattered aside as two armour-plated figures came crashing through. They were locked in mortal combat.

  "Hondor," whispered Shatterblade, "my son."

  Reborion nodded. Hondor’s sword glowed with a strange blue light as he plunged it through the steel breast plate of his adversary. Before he could withdraw his blade, the baron was upon him, his sword glowing the colour of a rust red sky. Hondor dodged the first attack, but the second slashed through his shoulder guard and he screamed. Suddenly Argel Shatterblade sprang forward and crashed into the baron, causing him to stagger only slightly whilst the archer bounced off like a twig against a tree trunk. The baron turned and stabbed Argel through the chest. It was then that Reborion ran over to Hondor, wineskin in hand.

  "Quickly, drink!"

  Hondor glanced from his father to Reborion and then took off his helmet. He grabbed the wineskin and took a gulp. Suddenly Reborion felt something strike his back. He looked down to see the red glowing blade of the baron protruding from his stomach. The pain caused him to black out at that point.


  When he came round Hondor and Argel were on their feet with some other villagers, in the middle of a cramped melee with the baron and his soldiers. Reborion got to his feet, brandishing his staff and jabbed a soldier in the face with it. The battle was chaotic. Mainly due to the fact that Hondor, Argel and Reborion kept on getting back up after being knocked down, the baron’s soldiers fell one by one. Then, only baron Ironbrawn remained. Hondor hefted his sword and squared up to him.

  "I trusted you Hondor Shatterblade!" he hissed.

  "It is you who have betrayed your people, but no more," said Hondor through gritted teeth. The fight was a clumsy affair, with both men swing wildly and taking chunks out of the tunnel walls. Eventually, Hondor’s sword glanced off the baron’s helmet and knocked it off. Hondor managed to smash a steel clad elbow into the baron’s face causing him to reel. Then Hondor’s blue sword pierced the baron’s breastplate and he sank to his knees. Hondor withdrew his sword and the baron toppled forward, face down onto the earth.


  Reborion had gone around healing those that could be healed and then he, Hondor and the villagers trekked the two miles back to their burned village. They set up makeshift shelters amongst the ruins and scavenged enough food so that the whole village could eat together. That day, Tendo Reborion, the Hooded One, became Tendo Reborion, Healer of Birchaven.


Reviews
good effort
Written by footy (29 comments posted) 13th January 2007
hey bro 
Good to see you writing another story. 
 
Good points: 
-I liked most of the action and the descriptions in the cave. 
-Your dialogue sounds natural, which is difficult to get right 
 
Not so good: 
Relatively small points I think but also relatively easy to remedy. 
 
-use of passives and too many verbs e.g. There were four men, two of them sat on their horses and the other two had dismounted and were stood facing into the cave. 
"The were stood facing" has too many words, makes things less immediate: "stood facing into the cave" or "facing into the cave". 
You could make it even more immediate:  
There were four men, two mounted and two stood facing into the cave.  
 
- also use of words that don't mean much like meanwhile, then and phrases like "it was then that". 
 
-also a few typos 
 
If you could tighten up it would sound much more fluid and streamlined. 
 
 

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 14th January 2007
Thought this was interesting. It needs a proof read as mentioned above. I thought it became a bit predictable towards the end - the usual pitfall of trying to write sci-fi/fantasy stuff. The beginning was strong but then it lost urgency a little, particularly in the fight scenes and it felt like it ended because you ran out of time rather than because the story had finished.  
 
It seems a shame to waste the time and effort put into developing an 'engine' - there's plenty of scope for expansion here. For example, in this short piece the fact that his face is blue seems to have little relevance yet I assume there is some interesting backstory there. Worth a revisit I would say. 
 
Elli

Written by balthazar (6 comments posted) 22nd January 2007
Hi there 
 
As commented on already, spelling. 
 
It seems to me it was a bit rushed, ellipinnock mentioned the blue face. Also it came across as being written to blurt out ideas, rather than telling a story, and thus seemed rushed. For example: 
 
The story progressed incredibly quickly (understandable, given its length, but I felt a little more description and backround could have been divulged before rushing headstrong into battle) and ended without any interesting twists. It seems as if you were keen to get to the point of the magic potion, but not really careful of how you got there. 
 
The idea is a good one, although I personally would have given more dramatization to the healing and incantations. 
 
The story also seemed fairly linear, this happened then that happend then this happened then that happened. Perhaps a bit of jumping around (again, difficult given the length of the piece) in time and with respect to characters points of view would have made a more exciting story. 
 
Having said that, I did enjoy the concept and I could see the story playing out in my head. 
 
Well done! (Oh, and sorry for the long critique) 
 
Sorry for the long post!
Very flashing blade
Written by John_O (140 comments posted) 19th February 2007
I think what this tale needs is a good dose of flashbacks. Why is Tendo's face blue ? Flashback. Why is the baron such an ornery critter ? Flashback. They don't have to be very long interludes and they would weave the tale together so much better for the reader. 
 
I don't think I would have had him chuckling after he gets up from his first mortal wound, it would be more dramatic if he experiences great relief , his magic still works even now....flashback - maybe to when he got his blue face. 
 
Fights aren't easy to write, so don't take it too hard if I say that yours are a little disjointed. You need to step back and read the fight scenes over again, see if you can't introduce some more descriptive elements, some vocalisations, inject some passion and keep the flow of the action going. For example  
'The battle was chaotic. Mainly due to the fact....' You have broken the flow, try this 
'The battle was chaotic. Surging back and forth across the cave. The baron and his men felling Hondor and Argel with mortal cuts only to fall back in dismay as the pair regained their feet and threw them back with renewed vigour.....' or something even more heroic. 
 
Watch those typos and give this tale a heroic rewrite. Go on, you know you want to ! 
John_O

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item