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All The Time In The World |
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By timmorrow
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07 January 2007 |
Just a little tale of the passage of time In the corner of a bar sat an elderly man clutching a pint glass,which he occasionally takes a sip from.He watches the young with reluctance,like an old fox wary of the playfullness of youth.Through glazed eyes and a sad expression he remembers when time was not his enemy.A young lady slips by with a smile,before disappearing in to a group of men.The old man peered in to his glass,was the liquid he had consumed an expression of his empty life ebbing away.Where had it all gone he thought?Two men began to argue over a lady.She ran out of the pub,pursued by one,the other aware of an audience made a hand guesture at the closed door as a rowdy crowd began to jeer him.Another group of men joined several young girls around a table,cramming their bodies close to each other in a prelude to expectant courtship.Where were the moments of happiness he had been so readily promised? The sweet charms of a woman,a stolen kiss leading to a wedding and children.A twinge began to tug at his stomach and in a moment of clarity he realised he had been a spectator at his own life.Why oh why was he not more able to have lived a bit more he thought.
A young man across the bar watched as the elderly man began to suddenly remonstrate with mutterings,through clenched teeth and a waved hand.The young mans glass was full,but he carefully sipped the contents, as if time had no consequence.The old man looked at him with envy.What would he do to have his life over again.A young girl momentarily stood across from young man and smiled.He coloured before taking a gulp of his beer.The old man sneered;almost as if the amount of drink represented a huge chance being taken from thr young man life.
"Another one George"said the barman leaning his eyes at the pensioner in the corner of the bar.
"No thanks it wouldnt make any difference,i would still make the same mistakes"replied George.
The barman shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.Several minutes later in the corner of the bar sat a young man smiling to himself.
"Another one lee"said the barman.
"why not he replied"after all; i have all the time in the world he said to himself. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 7th January 2007 | A clever piece that's almost there. Lots to like about this. I really like: "No thanks it wouldnt make any difference,i would still make the same mistakes"replied George. and think that the piece should have ended there, maybe. What follows is just guilding the lilly.
I say almost there. I found you told me too much in this and didn't show enough. I know it's an old argument, (show v. tell) but it does make a great difference.
I think is a good piece, but it has the potential to be fantastic. Let's face it, there's not reader who hasn't or won't contemplate their life/death at some point. You've hit on a very emotive topic.
Phil. |
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 7th January 2007 | I agree with most of what Phil said, though I liked the ending. I would have preferred a 50/50 split describing the young man and the old man, which I think would make the two men's comments at the end more balanced.
You also need to watch the grammar and spelling. You keep changing tense, sometimes in the present, sometimes in the past. I'm not sure if that was intentional, but it made it harder for me to read. And you need to proof-read. There are lots of small mistakes that grate. |
Written by sam (4 comments posted) 17th September 2007 | | I liked the piece but like Snodlander I found the little mistakes in grammar grating and it took away some of the pleasure of reading it.I know how easy it is to make those kinds of mistakes but it does have an impact on the enjoyment and the professionalism of your writing. |
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