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Shorts
The Date
By Snodlander
08 January 2007
Not sure about this one again.  It seems a little obvious to me.  As ever, all criticisms gratefully received.

First para tidied up. bits tweaked.

She walked up the path between the manicured lawns, a sad smile on her face. Her eyes looked from side to side, not sure where to look on the long walk up to him. She had made an effort this morning, as befit the occasion, taking care over her makeup. He had always told her that ‘she scrubbed up nicely’, when they were together. Her coat was a couple of years out of date, but it was the one she had so wanted for Jill’s wedding. He had bought it for just like that, not even making one of his silly jokes about the price.

"You’re late." He didn’t mean it in a nasty way. It was one of those running jokes people have when they have known each other well.

She shrugged, her smile becoming a little less sad, a little more like it had been back then. "I had to make myself look pretty for you, didn’t I?"

"You always looked pretty to me. You’ve never had to tart yourself up, you know that. A bit of soap and water and you scrub up a treat."

She gave a little chuckle at his words so closely mirroring her thoughts just a moment ago. She sat on the park bench, carefully smoothing out the coat so that it didn’t crease.

"’Scrub up a treat’? You always had such a way with words."

"It’s my roguish charm. It’s the cross I have to carry."

She smiled. It was true, he had a silver tongue. He had walked up to her at that party and made her laugh the whole night long. But he was a looker too. He always pooh-poohed the idea, but he was. Not in the pretty-boy fashion of the current cinema heartthrobs, but he had a ruggedly handsome look the night they had met that was always there despite the years that passed.

"So, what’s the gossip? What’s been going on?" he asked.

"Well, Jill told me that she and Tom were thinking about starting a family soon."

"That’s good. She’ll make a fantastic mother. Tom too. I always liked him."

She snorted derisively. "Is that why you threatened to bury him under the patio?"

"Oh, I was only playing, he knew that. He knew I would have killed him before burying him. How’s his drinking problem?"

She shook his head. "Once! Once you’ve seen him drunk, and can you blame the poor man? The only way he could work up courage to ask you for Jill’s hand was to get drunk. You were a real monster to him when they were courting."

"Hehe. I had to make sure he loved her, didn’t I? Besides, we made up. I like Tom. He’d make a good Dad. Is she ever going to visit me?"

Her smile disappeared. She looked out over the horizon. "Give her time. She’s still angry you left. She misses you terribly, only you know how independent she is. She won’t admit it. But she misses you. She loved you. It really hurt her when you left."

Jill had always fought her Dad. The rows were legendary. It was because they were so alike. But the next day they would be tight again, father and daughter giggling conspiratorially over some private joke she could never fathom.

She looked down at her unsensible shoes, so inappropriate for the grass lawns. "I miss you, too."

"Sorry." His voice was quiet, embarrassed.

She shrugged, sniffed and put on a brave smile. "Oh well, water under the bridge. Let’s see, what else is happening? Oh, I finally got rid of Bessie."

"No! That was a great car. Remember taking Jill to University? That guy couldn’t believe the number of trips we made between the car and her dorm. He said it was like a David Copperfield trick."

She laughed. "Yes. Still, there’s no point keeping it now, what with it being so big and there just being me.

"Oh, you were right about getting a job, as well. It really has taken me out of myself."

"See? I told you you’d enjoy it. I always felt guilty, you know. Leaving you all alone in the house, bringing Jill up, doing the housework, while I swanned off to work with my mates. Are they a nice bunch?"

She looked down and fiddled with the buttons on her coat. "Yes, they’re friendly. We all get on really well. We went out to the pub Friday. The younger girls got a bit raucous for me. Getting old, I guess."

She continued to fiddle with the coat, picking at invisible threads.

"What’s up?" He had that gentle voice that he used when he was concerned, serious. She always thought of it as his Hot Chocolate voice. She could curl herself up with it and forget the world.

"I’m seeing someone." She bit her lip. It still seemed a betrayal, even though he had left her. Even though it had been nearly two years.

There was silence. She felt a sudden panic. Had she lost him now as a friend, as well as a husband?

"What’s he like?" he asked quietly.

"He’s really, really nice. He works in the same building, but a different firm. He’s ever-so shy, but you’d like him. He’s got a sense of humour, not like yours, but he smiles a lot. We’ve been to the pictures a couple of times, and for drinks. Nothing, you know, heavy or anything. But we’ve sort of been dating for five or six weeks."

Why? Why did she need his approval, after all this time? But she did. She was desperate for it. If he didn’t give it, she didn’t know what she would do.

"Does he make you smile, too?"

She nodded, eyes fixed on her coat.

"One more question. The big one. And I want an honest answer. Is he a United supporter?"

She laughed, almost sobbing with relief. "No. City. You know I’d never date a United fan."

"Love, I don’t know why you waited this long. If he makes you happy, that’s great. I really mean it. No-one deserves to be happy more than you. Does he know about us?"

She nodded.

"Well, when he’s ready, bring him round. I’d like to meet him. No rush though. And you’ve got to get on with your life, hun. Move on. You don’t have to keep making these dates with me every week."

She shook her head. "As if I’d ever stop seeing you, silly."

And she sat there, smiling, happy in the comfortable silence between them. Looking out over the lines of stones and wilting wreathes.

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3295 comments posted) 7th January 2007
I'd just about worked it out before the end buy was still moved by it. I think you got the balancing act just about right- to seed in the clues and still keep the reader from guessing too early. The dialogue helped there as usually "talking to the dead" scenes are just onesided. In fact the dialogue worked best for me. I'd have like more,the humourous touches saved it from bathos 
cheers 
J

Written by tat_2man (56 comments posted) 7th January 2007
I think your story was a lot better than mine. And the feelings she felt were right on with the character. Good job.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 8th January 2007
Because of your introduction, I figured out what was going on here shortly after the first few paragraphs. If I'd skipped the intro, I think I'd have gotten further along before I sussed it. But I agree with BBS: the humor saves this from bathos. And the dialogue is so completely natural that even if I had figured it out without any introduction, I would never have stopped reading. I really liked the United/City touch at the end.  
 
What I'd like to see you do next is a story wherein the departed husband 'meets' the new man in his widow's life . . .

Written by Clifftown (619 comments posted) 8th January 2007
I really liked this; gentle and sentimental without being over the top. BBS is spot on about the dialogue. I guessed early on what the situation was but it didn’t matter and took nothing away from the story. 
 
Great inspirational writing. 
kind of a nice premise
Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 8th January 2007
the beginning was hard. The first paragraph starts most sentences with 'she' which is I know very difficult to avoid but you try so hard at the twist that it felt akward. 
 
There was some good humour but if he was dead is she schizophrenic or does his soul hang about a grave stone and talk? A good experiment for you in dialogue probably, but as a reader this is overly sentimental and twee. I wasnt going to review but hope this is taken as honest opinion ...

Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 8th January 2007
Has been nagging at me as to what annoyed me about this when I enjoyed the dialogue so: I think it was the fact you wrote this so obviously trying to avoid 'him'. If you had written this if it was a real date with him fully visualised and described rather than alluded and avoided, I would have much better brought into the end. Him being some representation of physical, showing the interaction between husband and wife and then the simple fact he was a ghost would have felt far more poignant at the end, for my mind, rather than just ignoring him in all but voice. 
 
I would loved to have him to something personal like brush the hair back around her ears as he says at the end; 
 
"Love, I don’t know why you waited this long. If he makes you happy, that’s great. I really mean it. No-one deserves to be happy more than you. Does he know about us?" 
 
For me this wasn't about the shock and awe of the sucker punch but more about the sentimentality between two people that had loved, you could have been totally open about him being a ghost and it would have meant so much more what they said.
johnie...
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 8th January 2007
You're right. I hadn't noticed the predominance of she in the first para. That needs fixing. 
 
Ghost or schizophrenia? I think that there's a world of possibility inbetween. I don't think it's at all unusual for people to talk with dead loved ones. I still imagine my Dad's voice under certain circumstances, say when some jobsworth is being absurd. But in the end, it doesn't really matter. Make up your own mind. That was sort of the point I was going for. 
 
I deliberately left out any description of him other than his voice in order to clue the reader. Maybe even to get the reader to go 'Oh, I see' and re-read the story knowing he was dead. But to make him actually a ghost would have removed the ambiguity I was aiming for. 
 
I'm glad you changed your mind and reviewed it. As so many people have said, telling me I'm fantastic won't help me grow a a writer.

Written by fellpony (1573 comments posted) 10th January 2007
I must be slow today, because i didn't find it too obvious, and I did need the last few lines -- even though I walked to M&S via a churchyard this lunchtime! rereading, I smiled at: "it's the cross I have to bear." 
 
I wouldn't want the "ghost" to be made obvious or take any physical part in the scene. I prefer the ambiguities and the different interpretations that can be made of the duologue - or is it really a monologue? 
 
 
Good stuff Snodlander. 
 

Written by Phil (6635 comments posted) 10th January 2007
Must be slow too, as I didn't spot the end until very late on. I thought the dialogue was good, if a little stylised, but considering the ending, this was probably unavoidable. JBG has a good point about paragraph one. I didn't think this too twee, but then at times I'm a hopeless romantic. 
 
Phil.

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