“ Well… well…well. Changed your name… but really Rodney Smith… you will always be the petty criminal from Leyton.”

How dare he mock me now? Yes I was that petty criminal and was doing things in a way I had no though of the consequence. The idea of being good when the world had given me so little, that was a real problem to contend with. I could not really see why I should be good when God had made me really rather stupid, not particularly good –looking and poor. Of course there are poor people who do not hit back at society and turn to crime for their ill deserved lot. But , fortunately or unfortunately I was not one of them. I never ever thought I could be until now.

“ What have you to say on the subject of why are you here.”

I am not speaking and despite what this man thinks of me at present, I was never a ‘grass’ and will not be one now. Funny that there was always in me a certain degree of loyalty, never really left me but has become stronger in me now. Or has this been exploited? Not sure but at times I have felt that it has. Isn’t it always?

“ Your brothers have talked and you the new one...well you need to prove something do you? Need to do something to integrate into the pack. It’s an animal behaviour and one often associated with the less intelligent in society. I feel that your are applicable to all of that …what do you say Rodney.”

That was a nice tactic, using the old me to try and get an answer. But I was different now. Yes he was right. I was new to the group and had to prove myself. In what many people would consider a gross act of cruelty. But I have really nothing to lose from what I had gained to the age of forty. I have no house, no car none of the material things this society drives you to have to define what you are. I have a child who I never see from a girl I slept with once. Was it my fault I did not wear protection? Often the girl knows when to have sex, I was a pawn again. It was growing tired of this that made me look for change. It was this or suicide really. Funny, how life suddenly turns out though.

“ Rodney there is CCTV footage showing you at Waterloo train station at 11am. Is that you on the screen Rodney…come on…it is unlike you to be shy?”

I was not shy. I WAS not shy but then I was also stupid and never thought for myself or others. That was different now. I had learnt something from my time in prison, for once. It really had changed my life as well. Boy, I mean I was stupid but I was sure that a one-dimensional tactic of using my old name was never going to work.

“ Do you really think you can escape what you are? Your past defines you as much as your present. You are not a better person for it.”

Well…I could see that but even then I knew I was reacting to things around me and the constant images I was seeing were in a way driving me to be bad. I mean those adverts for apple macs and I-pods when all I had was a poor education, no job as a result and a crack habit from hell. I felt that I was in Hell. I mean I am a better person now. I think of others instead of myself…but I often asked myself why could I not do this before? Why did I need prison and books and certain people to help me change my outlook. If I could now read well, I must have never been stupid at all. But Rodney always believed that he was stupid. I was a better person overall than what I was in the past. But I really felt I had no choice to be that way. In order to integrate into a capitalist society I had to owe these things to feel I was somebody. But I knew it was short-term, because despite attaining things I was never happy with it. It never fulfilled me. But I was starting to see and feel different now.

“ Your fourth prison sentence in four years and now look at you. Really …It looks like you spent too much time in the prison library reading the wrong books. What more proof do you need of that when you find your way back here after just three months of being released?”

Interesting point. My new found religion was indeed the structure I needed to define and understand the world. It all had too much choice and religion made it easy for me to pick the choice that never harmed me. It was supposed to make things different but at present it did not seem to be that way. Had I over estimated this? Well I suppose I better talk at some point. I need to implicate myself but I needed to try and limit the damage. I did not want prison again. I wanted my freedom.

“Look …your one-dimensional approach of trying to get me to engage is just poor but strangely annoying it has provoked me to this. Yes that is me on the CCTV and so what if I have changed. I wasn’t the best human in the world…I really hated being me then. I am better in many respects now. I mean…I read four books a week. I never read anything before.”

“At last the iceman speaks. I am sure change has been good for you and am aware that it has helped you in many respects. But it usually takes you ten minutes to speak but has now taken three hours for you to open up. I feel that change or discovery of stubbornness is not welcome at all. “

“ Ok.. ok but really no more prison.. probation…community sentence anything but that.”

“ Der.. Rodney it’s a parking fine. The CCTV shows you entering your car…a nice car Rodney may I add? At 11.20. It was there at 10 am and in a 20 minute parking zone that is why you are here. Prison is for what you did before the robbery and violent muggings. Not this time.”

Boy… really I thought I  had changed from the intellectually challenged Rodney. But maybe not I suppose like the guv’nor said, you really cannot escape your past that much.

“ Pay the fine and its over Mohammed”

Respect at last.