Scene 1
On a podium above the stage, halfway back, LH wings
Behind a News desk (std BBC issue) sits ANGIE ROSS.

ANGIE  A statement has just been released from the office of the Home Secretary. The               BBC Westminster correspondent, David Byers, is outside the House of                      Commons.

DAVID  Thank you, Angie. The Government’s hand is being forced once again on the               vexed question of continually rising unemployment figures. Latest figures             confirm that the number of those out of work and claiming benefit rose again            last month to just over 885,000: but the real figure may be at least twice that.
       as this does not include people who have ‘dropped out’ of the statistics because             they have been out of work too long to receive benefits, or the long-term sick.
 
ANGIE  What are the Government intending to do?  Have they any proposals to tackle               the problem?

DAVID  I have a spokesman with a statement which was released by the Home Office             this morning. As the senior member of the House of Lords Dr. Cowper,                        Archbishop of Westminster, is Father of the House. Many will remember him    as one of England’s best opening batsmen before entering the Church when he            finished playing. Your Grace, do you think we are batting on a level playing               field?

DR.C     We would be failing in our Christian duty to the weaker members of our                     society if we did not make adequate provision for their welfare when they
            need it most.

DAVID  But Your Grace, there are many who would argue that this is no longer a             specifically Christian country, but one of many different faiths. In itself, alms             for the poor is highly laudable: but perhaps the idea is a little outdated?

DR. C       Outdated? I find that an odd term to use: how do you decide that a tenet, a             principle of society, and how we relate to each other, no longer has value or
       worth? And would you apply the same quasi-scientific evaluation to the other
       qualities we always speak of in the same breath as Charity: Faith and Love?





DAVID  If we could return to today’s announcement about    rising unemployment. The
       figures are quite alarming. Does the Government have a plan of action?

DR.C       Yes, David, we do! (reading from notes)  “With immediate effect, the Assisted            Passage scheme to encourage job mobility from the UK to present and former
       Commonwealth countries will be reintroduced.    
       In the first instance it will be offered to those registered as actively seeking             work, who have been unemployed and in receipt of benefit for a period of three            months or more.

DAVID With respect, Your Grace: today’s figures show that there are at least 855,000
       people registered unemployed and claiming benefit. Just suppose they all decide
       to apply for this incentive scheme. Won’t the cost of the programme make it            impossible to implement?

DR.C       No, David: we’ve been out and inspected the pitch before the start of the game,
       and we’ve actually seen early results from another EU country where a similar
       scheme was introduced six months ago. Slovakia has been sending long-term
       unemployed to neighbouring countries (such as Austria) where they have been
       able to find permanent employment much more easily. The unemployment             figures in Slovakia were touching 18%. Now they are down to less than 5%.

DAVID  And how much difference would the proposed scheme improve prospects for
       the 885,000 unemployed in this country today? Would their families also be
       eligible for Assisted Passage payments? Will we be seeing a return of the “Ten
       Quid Tourists” of the 1950s? Will people have a real choice regarding where
       they wish to emigrate? Will there be restrictions of the type of qualifications or
       experience would-be emigrants will need? Will they need private funds to live
       on while they settle in and find employment?

DR.C     David, by my count that’s six questions – a full ‘over’ in cricket terms! – and I             think I deserve a chance to take my guard at the crease!

Stage lights fade. Actors remain visible (and in shadow) but unmoving

 

Act One scene ii



Fade up spot on Commentary Box, SR, opposite flank to BBC studio.
Fade out lighting on BBC ‘studio’
2 commentators are sitting ready for start of play. (Comic parody of Boycott, Agnew)

GB    Aye, reet! That’s put ’im in ’is plaaace, then!

JA    Geffers, old boy, let’s not get too excited: he’s right, you know! Remember:
    “Play up, play up, and play the game!”

GB    Point taken, Aggers: that’s a steel fist th’ auld Captain’s still got inside t’glove,
    even if it’s wrapped round a Bishop’s crook now instead of a Number 6 bat!
    Six bouncers in the first over, and he ne’er ducked none of ’em!

JA    Here, have some of this awfully naice Victoria sponge: let’s hear what the Good
    Doctor has to say ….. !

Fade out spot on commentary box//fade in main lights on CS

Dr. C has arm around David’s shoulder. They are walking towards RH rear stage

 

Act One scene iii


DR.C   …. so in fact, we take advantage of the vibrant economy of a number of Third     World companies. They produce goods at a fraction of the costs we have in     the UK, and we have the skilled workforce they lack. By sending them our     ‘Second XI’ – and let’s face it, few of them would ever make the First Team! –
    they can supply us with goods at reasonable prices, while paying the ‘Second XI’     what they’re truly worth. In effect, it’s creating British jobs abroad, and at the     same time we’ve established a new facet of our export earnings ….. !

By the time they leave the stage, David is nodding his agreement/acceptance [Exeunt]

Fade in lights LH wings. Where BBC ‘studio’ was is now R.Snall (aka ‘Emigrant 1’)
BNP bigot, dressed in football thug ‘uniform’, swilling lager. Thoroughly unpleasant.

 


Act One scene iv


RS    (sings, waving bottle) …. ’ere we go, ’ere we go ….
        stops: drunken cross-eyed peer at audience
    Wot you naffin’ lot lookin’ at, then? Think yer ’ard enough, then? Wanna piece
    o’ me, do yer?
    (Tries  to climb out of seat. Manages to get onto stage after several attempts)
    ’Oo give youse lot th’ time an’ th’ dosh t’ get all tarted up in poncy threads an’
    come ‘ere t’night, then? Bet half of yiz is forrin, anyway! Yids ‘n’ pakis, all     comin’ over ’ere an’ takin’ all the bes’ jobs f’r yisselves!
Takes another swig of lager: dim lights (not completely)and fade in Spot on GB, JA

JA    Who’s the opening batsman then, Geffers?

GB    Snall, R: Ronnie, I believe his name is. New talent, John: comes from North     London. I haven’t seen him play, so I don’t know much about him. To be honest,     though, to me he doesn’t look ready to play in a match of this importance.

JA    No, all the one-day competitions nowadays don’t prepare them for a five-day Test     the way the County Championships used to ….

    Fade out lights, JA & GB continue to mime smalltalk. Fade in lights on CS again.


RS     (mimicking) “ … the way the County Championships used to ….” (beat)
    (throws can at commentary position. misses. falls over, picks himself up)
    … an’ youse pair o’ poncy queers can naff off, too!

    Takes a fresh can of ‘Special’ out of his pocket
    Not my fault I ain’t worked for the last 2 – 3 years: it’s all these bleedin’ forriner     Johnnies come over ‘ere an’ take our jobs ….  an’ y’know what? They do it on the
    cheap, work for buttons an’ a place t’kip: so the likes o’ you’n’me, we’re too     expensive to hire, we don’t get no offers, an’ it’s a life on the ‘Sosh’ f’r us!
    Drink.Belch. [beat]
    What, me? Racist!? What makes you think that?  Naaah, not me, mate! I just want     a job: not fussy, doesn’t even have t’be legal, y’know? Just enough to, like, pay     the bills and have a bit over t’spend at the weekend? But I can’t compete with     these cut-price jokers: what d’they live on, f’r God’s sake? Anyway!
    Empties beercan. Leers at audience.
    Anyway, like I say, I’ve had enough: I’m off. I’ve got this mate, see, he’s been
    livin’ on the Costa Fortune f’r a few years, runs this bar, says he’ll see me straight     with a job an’ somewhere to stay till I find a place of my own.


    What, language?
    Naah, why should I? Most o’ the people living in the town are ex-pat Brits     anyway, he tells me, an’ the Spanish reg’lars would rather practice their English     anyway so what’s the point?[beat]
    Yeah, well, it’s all the same, innit? It’s another EU country, I c’n still claim my     dole, it goes straight in my bank account, no-one’s any the wiser.
    Nah, they never bother learnin’ our language – ’ave yer been t’ Bradford recently?     Nah, I just couldn’t be @...ed learnin theirs: if they don’ understand me firs’ time,     I jus’ shout a bit louder until they do! Works f’r me ….
    investigates (empty) can hopefully before discarding it    
    Fade stage lighting: fade in spot on Commentary Box

GB    ’ecky thump oour John, dos th’ unnderstan ’un? He bain’t nobbut a lad, and he’s
    no sense of playing himself in: he’s flashed his bat at ev’ry ball so far –  the     umpire signalled “wide” on the last one, but ’e still ’ad a go at it!  
    
JA    Geffers, there’s times I can’t understand you, ne’er mind our young friend out     there! Pass him some sponge cake, perhaps that’ll help … oh, look! He’s been     trapped leg before!
    ‘Freeze frame’ Commentary Box, dim lights (NOT completely off).
    Fade in lights on stage, where RA – back to audience – is in the process
    of zipping his fly after relieving himself in the ‘middle of the pitch’

GB    Ah don’ think that’s going to improve the state of the wicket, Aggers!
    The groundstaff worked really hard to get excess moisture off the outfield!

JA    Let’s hope it’s not going to spoil the game: here’s the new batsman, Mendip
    Lal.

GB    Ah allus smile when I read his name on t’ teamsheet, but his father came to live in     the UK in t’ Sixties, and became a British citizen long before Mendip was born:     but you could easily be fooled by the name!

JA    Oh! That’s got to be the longest possible walk, Geffers: all the way there, and all     the way back without troubling the scorers.

GB    Means the bowler’s on a hat-trick, John ….

JA    He can have a piece of my cake if he does it …..  who’s next to bat?

GB    It should be Paul Freeman … yes, surely the Elder Statesman of this family     business can stop the rot and steady the team.





JA    For any listeners who may not be aware, Paul’s wife Kate has been one of the     official scorers here at Old Trafford, and his daughter Joanna was recently     appointed physio to the England team.

GB    So today’s a family outing, then!

JA    Yes: in fact, rumour has it that one of these delicious cakes was baked by Kate!
    Freezeframe. Fade spot.
    Fade in CS lighting, Paul is approaching wicket
    [from FR wing, obliquely, back to audience]
    Takes guard Centre Stage, facing audience.
    Fade in Spot on Box CL of stage (formerly BBC Studio: now occupied by Kate     and Joanna Freeman). They are watching the match on a TV monitor.

 

Act One scene v


JF    So has Daddy told anyone yet?

KF    About wanting to emigrate? No, darling, but it’s really important he finds his own     time and place to make an announcement. When all’s said and done, you know     how he feels about loyalty, playing fair, keeping a straight bat and so on ...........

JF    .....  yes, all the old clichés! You know, Mummy, I respect these things: I really     do! I’d     never have taken the team physio job if I didn’t believe I could do it     properly. But they haven’t exactly played fair with him, have they? For example:     when was the last time we could just pack a bag, have a proper family holiday?
    And I don’t mean touring Australia or the West Indies!

KF    I know it must be difficult for you, Joanna: but I’m sure your father will find the     best way of tackling the subject. D’you know, it feels strange somehow to be     sitting here simply watching the game. I can’t remember the last time I watched a     match Paul played in without having to keep score – but I suppose they’ve got to
    show the Aussies that there’s no bias or favouritism! Look, he’s got his eye in     now, he’s starting to knock them about .... !

    Freezeframe: fade spot (not completely) and increase CS lighting.
    Paul is in full flow, scoring freely. He speaks his thoughts as he plays.

PF    No joy in this lark any more [off drive: four runs scored] (beat)
    Forty not out (and Kate’s 37) and now our daughter’s talents have been snapped
    up by the Management, too! [block: no run]
    How am I supposed to be able to carry on playing until I’m seventy???!
    And pay 5% of everything I earn to pay for my own pension??  
    [leg glance: four runs scored] (leans on bat)
    Let’s suppose (for argument’s sake) I earn enough to pay £5000 each year I’m
    fit enough to play at this level. That’s thirty years at £5000 a year, £150,000 by
    the time I’m seventy: but how many years will I have left to spend it in? And how
    about the interest: shouldn’t I have that added on? Bet Tony and his mates won’t     be flogging themselves for the next thirty years ....[lofted straight drive: six runs]

    Freezeframe: dim CS lighting, increase Spot on Commentators’ Box

GB    Good to see Paul on top form today. After losing both opening wickets so     cheaply, it was vital someone took control of the game!







JA    He seems determined to pinch the strike nearly every time, Geffers: he’s run up
    his fifty in barely twenty minutes, less than three full overs!

    Fade out spots, fade in on Kate, Joanna in Clubroom (Wings, LC)

 

Act One scene vi

JF    Daddy looks angry!

KF    He plays best when he’s that way: as physio, you must have noticed?

JF    There’s another boundary: Shane Warne looks sick as a parrot!

KF    I’ve only ever seen him play like this in limited overs matches: it’s almost
    as if he wants to get it over and done with!

JF    He’s moving well, though: he’s got enough sense not to overdo it. As long as
    he stays there till lunch, I can give him a swift massage .... Good Grief! That
    one’s left the grounds, I think!

    Freeze & fade. Spot on Paul, frozen at end of pull shot. Spot on Commentary Box

GB    Johnners, do you recall the fastest hundred on record? Because I have a feeling
    we’re going to see it beaten!

JA    The fastest recorded was by Shahid, for Pakistan against Sri Lanka: 37 balls, that     was! In this country, the fastest I’ve seen personally must have been Clive Lloyd     for the West Indies, here at Old Trafford. I remember he smashed a window on a     passing train that day..... !

    Fade all lighting. Brief Curtain. Next scene is a private table in the Lunch Room.
    Paul, Kate and Joanna sit together, private family conference.

 

Act One scene vii


PF    So if you guys are with me on this ............. ?

KF    (taking his hand, reaching also for Johanna’s)  No question! You know I’ve     always said I’d go wherever you say .........

JF    ....... and that goes for me too! I’m just glad we won’t have to learn a totally
    new language, like some of my friends who moved abroad!

PF    They still speak Gaelic in parts of Ireland, you know ... ! But yes, in that part
    of the country we should fit in easily enough.

KF    So how and when will you tell everybody?

PF    The way I feel I’m tempted to jack it all in at the Press Conference this evening!
    But I don’t want to damage team morale, or spoil the game .....

JF    “Play up, play up, and play the game” – honestly, Dad, you’re soooo predictable!

PF    Listen, Princess! If Thunderclap Newman can retire and buy a pig farm on the
    proceeds of a single hit song, I’m damned sure I can buy a derelict castle and     convert it into a tourist hotel with what I’ve made playing cricket.... !

    Fade lighting. Curtain.


 

Act One scene viii
    


    New scene: Mendip Lal sits alone in a hotel room surrounded by screwed-up
    drafts of a letter he is struggling to write.


ML    “Mr. Right Honourable Home Secretary Sir .... ” dearie me, I’m thinking that’s     some little touch too much ... “ I am thinking of myself as a British citizen, as I     was born in this wonderful country ......”  oh Goodness Gracious Me!
    (crumples and     throws letter with the others)  [turns to address audience directly]
    I love my cup of tea in the morning, and your wonderful institution of cricket: the     coach has also picked me to play for England – even if today’s game didn’t
    show me at my best!

    Spot on R Snall sitting in a ‘box’ towards rear LH wing

 

Act One scene ix


RS    Gawdelpus, we’ve gorra hee-ven playin fer Enger-land!
    Waves cans, singing: “Enger-land, nah-nah!” and similar.
    Mendip looks confused, angry

RS    (continues)  Lookit th’ state o’ what they’re lettin’ in ‘ere, and ask yerself:
    issirranywunda red-blooded Englanders like me can’t wait to get outta here?

    (belches, almost throws up) [sings, completely false]
    “We don’t want to lose you but we fink y’orta go, fink y’orta go ... ”
    [changing to] “These boots are made for walking ... an’ they’re gonna walk
    all over you .... ”   Gradual fade (sound/lighting).RS is seen starting to pack a     bag. Cans of beer form a large part of his ‘luggage’, along with a few socks &
    T-shirts.    Spot fade IN on GB, JA

JA    I have to say, Geffers, I know which of those two I’d award an England cap!

GB    No prizes for guessing, Jonathan: if Ah wun’t a canny Yorkshireman, I’d buy     th’ ol’ b****r a one-way ticket me se’n!

    Reverse lighting (Fade OUT on GB,JA/Fade IN on RS. RS is seen weaving     drunkenly through Customs singing “Viva España”. Security watch but do not     challenge him. Scene is probably best played in ‘mime’ apart from drunken song:     dialogue would be superfluous! Fade lights, brief curtain. New scene.

 

Act One scene x


    ANGIE ROSS (newsreader, sc.1) sits at an office desk. It is ruthlessly tidy. She
    is ‘multitasking’ on PC/calculator while carrying on a conversation on a ‘hands
    free’ phone (we may hear both ends of conversation if/when relevant).

AR    No, I need your Head of Human Resources, her Deputy won’t be able to answer     my... yes, in case you hadn’t noticed I’m already ‘holding ........ !’ [beat]
    Where do they find these people, I wonder?  (‘Hold’ musak in bgd)
    Miss Miller? Good afternoon, this is Angie Ross, BBC London: I hoped I might     catch you before you went home! [beat]
    I’m pleased you’ve seen me reporting: that saves  some time! I’m calling to ask
    about employment prospects in America. I’m feeling more and more frustrated     here, there’s no challenge for me any more. [beat]
    You know my track record, and I’m virtually a free agent. I’ve had a look at my     contract, and my solicitor says there’s nothing in it which could be a hindrance if
    I wanted to walk out .... [beat]
    Languages? Yes, several: one of the most frustrating things about working with     the BBC is the lack of opportunity to develop linguistic skills ...
    Spanish, French, mainstream Europe ... not Asian languages, unfortunately: they     seem to be all the BBC are interested in these days, and I’ve no interest in     learning them myself...no, I’m actually calling from the studio at the end of my     shift. If I could have your fax and e-mail I’ll send you my home contact details: it     would be better to call me there. [beat]
    Tuesday ?  (checks desk diary) I don’t see any problem with Tuesday! Where     shall we meet? A car at Dulles Airport, Washington. Good: I’ll confirm my     arrival time by e-mail once I’ve booked a flight ....... my pleasure, Miss Miller:
    I look forward to meeting you!
    AR speaks directly to audience

AR     That’s it, I’ve had it with jerks like that David Byers getting all the high-profile
    front-of-camera jobs, seen and recognised by millions every day, while the likes     of me sit unseen and (for the most part) unrecognised in the studio, doing all the
    less glamorous donkey work behind the desk! [beat]
    Newsreaders are stars in America: I’m wasted here, and no mistake! I mean, for
    starters who d’you think is more photogenic: me, or that sad sack?
    She flaunts herself in what she imagines to be a series of sexually attractive poses,
    and compares herself with a ‘still’ photoshot of David Byers on the studio wall.
                        Curtain






Act One scene xi


    Freeman family home. Late evening, after close of play. Table, chairs, letters &     other ‘official correspondence’ envelopes are visible.

PF    Right, let’s have a look at this bumph ..... who thinks all this stuff up? It can’t be
    this difficult to pack up and go, surely?
        (spreads documents out in a wide ‘fan’)

KF    Are you sure you want to start all this right now? I mean, it might distract you
    from the game, and at very least you’ll be needed back at the crease tomorrow     morning ....?

JF    Mum’s right, Dad: and as team physio I’ve got to insist you’re in good shape for     the rest of the match   (she starts a massage on his shoulders)

PF    Look, I’m a couple of shots off a double century, we’re on 413 for 4 after one     day’s play: I think that’s a pretty solid position to be in! I’m not going to do     anything stupid and take the gloss off it, but I’ve made my decision. The end of     this match will be the best time to make an announcement. Now, let’s have     another look at these bloody forms we’re supposed to fill in ....
    I can’t believe some jumped-up smart-@ss pen-pusher wants to know my     maternal grandmother’s maiden name ..... !
    
    Family scan, scribble, sort/discard through mountain of paperwork. Rubbish
    bag fills, completed documents circulate for signatures etc. Freeze & fade.

    Cut to scene in apartment belonging to AR. She is sitting at a Spartan desk, and     has a ‘Checklist’ in large print on a whiteboard behind her. Several items are     already crossed through.

AR     ..... and I’ll pick up my travel currency Monday a.m...... no, I start work at 5.30,     you’ll still be in bed I imagine! I’ll come across from Broadcasting House during     a coffee break, it’s only round the corner. No thank you, I don’t want to pay an     exorbitant surcharge to have a courier deliver it: you’re making quite enough     commission already out of changing my £1000 to US dollars!
    Puts phone down, crosses ‘Currency’ off checklist on whiteboard.
     Dials new number.









AR     Angie Ross. You promised an upgrade on my flight booking? [beat]
    Well, bump somebody then! ......... of course you can, you do it all the time:
    I even had it done to me when I was going to cover the Italian elections! [beat]
    Can I speak to your Line Manager? And I believe you omitted to give me your     name when you accepted this call ..... oh, you’ve just found a cancellation? Now,     that wasn’t too difficult was it? And the reference number I should quote at the     Check-in desk is ..... ? Thank you! But you do realise I am a frequent flier, and
    just as likely to look elsewhere for future flights ..... yes, sweetie, you have a nice     day, too! Malicious grin. Slams phone down.
    Amateur!! Crosses item off list.

                    Fade lighting. Curtain

    
 

Act One scene xii

    New scene. Next day @ Old Trafford cricket ground: play due to start v. soon.
    In commentary box with GB, JA

GB    Mornin’ Aggers! And good morning to cricket fans worldwide. It looks like being
    a fascinating day’s play, Jonathan: England have made an impressive start against     Australia, and it has to be said they owe a lot to Paul Freeman.

JA    We’d be in trouble deep without him, Geffers! I hope he’ll still be there at stumps,
    and on the team for many years yet!

    Freeze. Dim lights.
    Fade in spot on KF,JF in “players’ lounge”[ opposite wing of stage area]

 

Act One scene xiii


JF    Did you hear that? Thank God Dad can’t hear them, he’d be suckered into staying
    on and accepting the crappy “white man’s burden”  argument!

KF    (shocked) Joanna, language!

JF    Sorry, Mom! But you know how easy-going he is, always ready to help others     before he thinks of himself! It’s time he took a stand, and I couldn’t bear to think
    of him having second thoughts at this stage!

    Freeze. Lights remain on: Fade IN lights on PF, CS, taking guard  (facing aud.)

PF    (We hear his thoughts) Right, you sheepshaggin’ Aussie penal colonials, I hope     you’re ready for this, ‘cause I’m in the right mood for you!!
     [beat. cork on willow sound] That do you to start with? (six scored off first ball)
    That’s my personal best ’gin the Woollybacks, now I can relax and enjoy it ....

GB    Man in a ’urry, or a man on a mission, Jonathan? What do you think?

JA    I think .... I think he wants an early bath, and some of Kate’s delicious cake!

    Freeze. Fade lighting. New scene

 

Act One scene xiv



DB    This is David Byers, reporting from an incredibly jubilant Old Trafford, where
    England, having declared at 501 for 4 at lunchtime, skittled Australia for 97 all     out in their First Innings and enforced the follow-on. By stumps Australia were     again in serious trouble at 187 for 6 and still needing a further 220 to make     England bat again.
    We understand that the hero of the hour, Paul Freeman, has asked for (and been     granted) permission to host the Press Conference this evening in place of his     skipper, whom we understand is indisposed.

PF    Thank you, gentlemen: your attention, please! I’m going to read for you a short     statement, copies of which have been printed for you to take on your way out.
    There will not be an opportunity for questions afterwards.
    
    From the printed handout, you will see that I have given ‘personal reasons’ as the
    grounds for my decision, and I must insist that you respect the privacy of my     family in this matter.....
    
    General outcry, questions, no answers. Fade lights as reporters head for door (LR     of stage area) leaving PF alone at podium. He exits stage FR as the last reporters     crowd through rear door. Curtain. New Scene.    

 

Act One scene xv


    BBC Newsroom ‘studio’ setting as before (sc. 1)
    
NR    The main points of the news again. Latest figures indicate that Government     targets on Immigration control are not being met.
    An announcement was made today by the Archbishop of Westminster, Dr.     Cowper on behalf of the Government, re-introducing the Assisted Passage scheme     for individuals and families wishing to emigrate to ex-Commonwealth locations     or another EU member state.
    After scoring 253 not out in England’s First Innings of 501 – 4 declared, Paul     Freeman took six catches as Australia were routed for 97 all out. He then     announced his intended retirement from the game after close of play on the     second day of the Test Match.

    And finally: a team of geologists at Oxford University have discovered that due to     a combination of severe erosion and a tendency towards becoming ‘top-heavy’ the     main landmass of the United Kingdom – England, Wales and Scotland – may one     day ‘snap away’ from the underlying bedrock stratum. Opinion is divided at the     moment as to whether Britain would then sink without trace, or possible float off     as some maintain could conceivably have happened once before, giving rise to the     legend of the floating island, Atlantis.

    Looks up, grins to camera.

    (ad lib) A case of uncontrolled immigration becoming the ‘straw that snaps the     mushroom stem’ perhaps! And now over to George for the weather .......
    Freeze frame, Fade lights, Curtain