Act Two scene i


    
    Sat evening. BBC News studio AR duty newsreader

AR     Public interest in the re-introduction of the Assisted Passage scheme has been     much greater than anticipated. Government offices were open today in order to     deal with requests for information and documents: Post Offices were instructed to
    extend their normal Saturday opening hours, to assist with distribution. David     Myers spent the day at the national Passport Office in Liverpool. David, what can     you tell us? (She thinks: “You smarmy prat!”)

DM    Angie, there have been lengthy queues completely surrounding the Passport     Office building all day today, queues straggling along The Strand under the     watchful eyes of the famous Liver Birds. You’d think people were queuing for     tickets for a major rock concert, or the FA Cup Final!

AR    What do the people you have spoken to have to say on the matter, David?
    She thinks: “I’m sick and tired of feeding you leading questions so that you
     can look good on camera!”

DM    Most of the people I’ve spoken to have been well-qualified, professionals:
    for the most part, too young to have any personal recollection of the Assisted     Passage scheme which ended in the late 50s. Dave and Samantha are typical:
        Dave, you spent four years at university, and have taught in an Inner City school     for six years since qualifying. Why does the Assisted Passage appeal to you?

Dave    It’s taken me six years to pay off my debts from my time at university. If I could
    have paid them off faster, I’d have been away long ago. Teaching in this country
    is no longer a career I could recommend for anyone, and we can’t get away fast
    enough, can we Samantha?

Sam    That’s right. We’d really like to start a family, but it’s out of the question on     Dave’s salary alone, and there’s no assistance in the form of tax allowances or     credits for a married couple, the way it was for our parents. It seems the only way     we can afford to start a family on one salary is to emigrate and start afresh.

DM    So what you’re saying is, the Assisted Passage scheme offers an attractive     financial incentive to professionals such as yourselves?
    Thinks: “Mercenary bitch!”





Both    That’s right!

DM    Thank you very much! (Thinks: “Moneygrabbing buggers, bad as each other!”)
    David Myers, reporting from the Passport Office, Liverpool
    (Parting thought: “Back to you, Superbitch!”)

AR    Thank you, David
    (thinks: “I won’t have to say that much more, if I get what I want on Tuesday!”)
    Freeze frame, Fade out lights. New scene.

 

Act Two scene ii



    The Freeman household. Taped boxes along rear walls, family sitting on boxes     around a larger crate.

PF    Where there’s a will, they say ....... ! All the same, it amazes me just how much a
    family collects over the years, things you’d say: “I just can’t live without that!” –     but when push comes to shove, if you’re really honest about it .........

JF    .......... and if you know you can replace it easily, and in the foreseeable future!

PF    Joanna, I really, really appreciate just how many sacrifices you’re making in     getting rid of as many possessions as possible, so we can travel light! Also, I     know there are going to be things which are irreplaceable: personal memories,
    things like that. What we can’t carry we’ll find somewhere to store it – or     someone we can trust to look after it and send it on! I promise you, it will all
    work out!

KF    D’you know, there seems to be more and more red tape, regulations, and bits of     paper to be signed, sealed and delivered! Every time I think I’ve got to the end of
    the list, someone refers me to another office I simply must contact .......... !

PF    Joanna, grab your calculator and give us a running total of what we’ve got so far     from flogging off most of the furniture.

JF    (after a few seconds pushing buttons)
    There’s a few bits and pieces I’ve probably left out, but in hard cash terms we’ve
    something in the region of about three thousand – which is well less than the real     value of the furniture, white goods and other things, but you wanted cash offers     for anything we could do without until we’ve moved. The car, Dad: are you sure
    you want to let it go? After all, Ireland is one of the few places where a right-hand     drive vehicle can be used ..... !  

PF     But it’s got UK plates, and sooner or later we’d either have to register it, or     replace it! Better I get shut of it now rather than leave it till later. I can also accept     a cheque for the car, rather than letting myself get robbed blind by a cowboy     offering me a     quarter of what it’s worth in “folding money”. That way I can     leave an account open in the UK, for “mad money” whenever we visit!

KF    Without the car, we can also get a ‘one way hire’ van for the things we can’t do     without – in fact, I’ve been looking in the Echo and we could even buy a ‘banger’     and flog it once we get there: there wouldn’t be a big difference in the cost!



PF    I may have a Plan B for that, too! With out own savings, even after buying the     tickets there’s still over four grand cash in various bank accounts, as well as the     three g’s from selling things. Because if I’ve read these documents right, it seems
    that one or other Government office is trying to make it as difficult as possible for
    anyone who wants to emigrate! Pity they don’t make it just as hard for everyone     who want to come here!

JF    So what’s the Plan B, Dad? Don’t keep us all in suspense!

PF    I’ve a mate I trust: he’s been talking for months about sodding off to Ireland for a     long holiday. If he’ll drive the van, we can get cheap Ryanair tickets: they don’t
    give return ticket prices in the ads, they only quote single prices, so it wouldn’t     even be unusual for me to buy one-way tickets ......... !

KF    Paul, it almost sounds like you’re thinking of doing a runner ........!  

PF    Not that, exactly: but with one thing and another all these Government     departments aren’t exactly making it easy for us to make the move any other way!
    You call it ‘doing a runner’: it might be the only way to do it! To me, it’s more     like the way a stage magician misdirects people by the way he uses his hands!

AF    What d’you mean, Dad?

PF    Right, let’s get slightly paranoid, shall we? We’re getting all these office johnnies     putting one obstacle after another in the way. So, we assume everyone’s watching
    my every move.

KF    Okay: so, next?

PF    So: we buy tickets from Ryanair: we leave with the typical amount of baggage a     family would take with them for a holiday: a holiday they’re going to come back     from! If anyone checks on the tickets, Ryanair sell single tickets for all their     flights, so it doesn’t look odd.

AF    Unless they go and check for a return date!

 


PF    And there was me thinking it was me that was paranoid! Anyway .... !
    The furniture and other things we aren’t prepared to do without get transported
    by ferry. The van can be bought in Gerry’s name: it won’t even be traced to us.
    
KF    And when Gerry gets home?

PF    Minus the van! I’ll buy it off him, and give him the one “return single” I’ll be
    buying – in his name – to get him home! I can always use it until it falls apart,
    and sell it as scrap. I’ll find a job easily enough, there’s work for them as want it,
    my old Dad always used to say.

    Freeze frame.         Dim lighting     Spots on GB, JA in Commentary Box

JA    I say, Geffers, that’s definitely not cricket!

GB    Aggers, that’s the first sensible comment you’ve come out with for ages! No, it     isn’t: but it sounds like a damned good tactical team talk all the same! After all,
    if you know the other team’s cheating, you’ve got to find a way to play them at
    their own game! Remember the ‘Bodyline’ argument in 1929?

JA    Now, now! I’m not that old ..... !

GB    No, but like me you’ve seen the film footage! My point is, once we found out     what they were planning, we found a way to beat them! Granted they won the     series,     but we held our own along the way and they didn’t win every match!

 


Act Two  scene iii


    Freeze frame    Fade spots.     New scene    JA Airport, checkin.
    R Snall with carpetbag, overflowing with a mixture of clothing and cans of lager.     Wearing Union colours & carrying flag in other hand. Staggers to security.

RS    Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land, nah-nah!! (belch) [leering wink to audience]
    Watch how I soft-soap these two dummies, just like the clowns at the Baggage
    desk! Told ‘em (belch, stagger) ..... told ‘em back there (points vaguely) ....
    told ‘em the tinnies were Real Ale for my mate, who’s a CAMRA man and misses     British beer! An’ d’yer know ... ! (belch) .... d’yer know, they never even checked!
    This oughta be eeee-asy peee-asy ......... !
            (straightens up, over-compensating for drunken gait)
    Genn’lemen! Yup I’ve ‘ad a few, me flight’s delayed: I’m thirsty hangin’ around!
    Wha’ d’y’ mean, drunk? I’ve only had a few, the flight’s only an hour late, I     haven’t had time to get started yet ............. look, my mate’s a real conn’sur:     Campaign f’r Real Ale an’ all that, y’know? Anyway he’s lived out there f’years,
    an’ he really misses British Beer so I’m takin’ them f’r him:  a present, see? ...
    No actual dialogue from security guards during this exchange
    Mime & dumbshow should be sufficient against monologue from RS
    Not permitted on flight? C’mon, get serious! The flight’s part of the ‘oliday, innit?
    Should be ’llowed to enjoy meself on the way ........... !
    Nah, no way I’m leavin’ them ’ere: soon’s my back’s turned yiz’ll suppem     yisselfs! Think I was born yis’t’day?  
              (beat)
    Bet this is just so’s I have ter spend a coupla     quid over the odds for a drink on     board!  (beat)   Okay, so lessay ... (stagger) .. lessay I do take ’em out the bag
    an’ drink ’em before I gerron board? Why not?
            (beat)  Look, I tole yer orreddy, I’ve norrardly ’ad none yet  ..........
            (beat)    .......... Drunk? Me?!! D’yiz’ve gorra be jokin’ ......... !!

    Frame freeze. RS is being escorted off SL by security, bag open, clothes &
    other contents trailing behind. Fade lights, spot UP on Commentary Box.
 


Act Two scene iv


GB    Aahh blame’s schools. tha’knows: ‘t bain’t been t’same since they stopped
    havin’ proper games lessons. We played a full game every Saturday during the     season, and none of your limited over stuff, neither! Full games they were: single
    innings games, granted, but we all got a full knock.

JA    Yes but, Geffers, you know the argument they use against team games. They’re
    unpopular and antisocial, because they create just as many losers as winners!
    Therefore they are unacceptable – or “politically incorrect”, I believe is the term
    they prefer to use.

GB    So, we get a generation of kids who’ve never been allowed to fail in anything
    they do – look at the so-called ‘exams’ they leave school with! – and they all
    turn out like HIM!! (points at RS, in ‘tableau’ at back of stage).

    SFX. Whistles, steel drums, chanting pp<mf>pp in bgd

JA    I say, Geffers! We’ve got some more promising entertainment over there: look!

GB    Yes, Aggers, I recognise the flag: they’re from El Icebmi. They live their lives     backwards, so they love to wake up with a hangover because they know that     means they’ll be having the mother of all parties before they go to bed!

    SFX fade in again: recognisable melody phrases
    (eg. Cricket Calypso/Rule Britannia) [fade out]

JA    Still, they’re obviously having a good time and not upsetting anyone!
    But the likes of that  ...  points to RA at rear of stage ... what shall we call him?
    A “deferred success”, I suppose, is “flavour of the month” [beat] ... not a team     player, lets the side down, gives the sport a bad name!

    Fade & freeze. Increase spots on RA: unfreeze tableau at rear of stage

 


Act Two scene v


RA    What are y’ talkin’ about? Think I give a monkey’s ’bout some so-called team o’
    southern poofters, nancy boys and half-Pakis all claimin’ they gorra British
    passport, which gives ’em the right t’ play f’r Engerland ......
            [beat]
    Cracks a fresh can, aims for mouth, ends up pouring most of contents into ear.

     .........  an’ anuvver t’ing! Jus’ lookit this lot over ’ere! (points to ‘calypso crowd’)
    I mean! .... they come over ‘ere .... (drinks) ... pissed outta their skulls before     they’ve even had a drink! ... (investigates can, finds it is empty) ... I mean, if they     can’t even hold their liquor they should lay off, innit? Tell y’ wha’: if any of ’em     comes to my mate’s bar in Spain, they won’t get served by me ..... !  
    
    Reels offstage RW rear. Fade lights. Curtain.