Act Three, scene i

 

 

Scene: Batchelor bedsit belonging to Mendip Lal. He is sorting mail.

 

ML     Why do so many people want me to have their credit cards? (bins several)

            And bills .... people I have to pay, but not with credit cards, thank you!

            Hello .... I know that writing ... Hari, why are you writing to me from France?

            I thought you and your family were living in Pakistan .....

                                                     (opens envelope)

 

                        .... coming to live in Britain ... wife and two children ....

            No! Hari, Hari, after all these years! You may think that I am rich by your

            standards, but I cannot possibly help you .... how can I contact you while you are          travelling if you don’t give me an address or a telephone number .... ?

                                                      (reads further)

 

            Written four days ago .... in a camp at Calais, need money to buy tickets ....

            or I will have to try to sneak through the Channel tunnel at night .... !

                                                      Turns to audience

 

            What does a true Englishman do? And if I want to be an Englishman, with all

            my papers, what am I supposed to do?

                                                      (agitated pacing)

 

            On the one hand, he is my family: my closest family, and he has children!

            But on the other hand, what he asks of me is so wrong!

            If he can get here, I must somehow help him, give him a place to stay: but I have

            not the wherewithal to buy tickets – and how would I send the money, even if I had it, when he cannot give me an address or a phone number to contact him!

 

                       Freeze frame. Dim lights. Spot on GB, JA in Commentary Box

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act Three, scene ii

 

 

GB      Bah Gum, Johnners, yon letter’s reet put frights on ’im!

 

JA       (puzzled) You’re hard to understand sometimes, Jeffers: some more tea, perhaps?

 

GB      Yon Mendip Lal’s scarrit, Johnners: afraid, got t’wind up, ’bout to p........

 

JA       Yes, I get the message! And if I got a letter like that from my brother ....... !

 

GB      ... you bain’t got a brother, Johnners!

 

JA       Yes, but if I did ......... !

 

                                                                        Freeze. Dim lights on JA, GB:

                                                       Fade IN spot on Mendip Lal, talking on mobile phone

 

ML     So: the balance on my current account is approximately three thousand pounds.

            And my credit limit? I am asking because my brother is ill, and I have to visit ...

            no, he lives in France ......... I have to travel today, I cannot shop around for cheap        tickets deals ....... thank you, most kind! Goodbye! (ends call)

[turns to face audience]

 

            If the mountain is not coming to Mohammed, then Mendip must go to his brother           in France, isn’t it? Does not the English language have such wise words for many

            different situations?   (punches new number on mobile)

 

            Hello, I need to know departure times for trains from London for Calais and      Paris.... no, it’s urgent: I need to travel today if possible ... thank you, I’ll wait....

                                                            [addresses audience]

 

            My brother writes to me from Calais, so if he has no money for a ticket he must             be still there. If I cannot find an address to send money to him, I must go there          myself and find him ......... (looks around his minimally furnished room)

            .............. on the other hand: who would miss me if I decided not to come back?

            Another proverb: Blood is thicker than Water. My brother is in trouble. He

            may be a little rascal, but we looked after each other as children: I cannot forsake

            him when he needs me most! A true Englishman would not dream of such a thing!

Makes a decision: begins packing furiously

SFX. Phone rings

            Hello? You can quote me a single and a return: I’m not sure how long I shall be staying, you see ......  Thank you. Can I collect my ticket at the station?

                                                Ends call, scribbles notes. Addresses audience.

 

ML     There’s nothing to keep me here: and if they don’t even want to accept me on    their national cricket team, then my poor brother is far more important to me .... !

            Goodbye, England: it was nice knowing you!

Takes bag, exit SL with head high, slamming door.

Spot fades IN once more on GB, JA

GB      Looks like he’s playing an away match, Johnners!

 

JA       Sounds to me as if he’s played his last match for the Home Team, Geffers!

Freeze. Dim Spot. End of scene

 

Act Three, sc. iii

 

Opening shot, SPOT (from UL) on TV Monitor (LW)

Monitor shows DAVID BYERS street scene

O/S Passport Office, Old Hall St

 

DB      Unprecedented scenes developed this morning here at the Passport Office in      Liverpool (camera pans slowly to show endless queue).

            I asked some of the people who have been in the queue all night what made them           decide to put up with the discomfort of standing in the street all night. These were             some of their replies (screen dissolves to show recorded interviews)

            (Couple A) ....... We find that as two well-educated professionals, it’s quite simply

            no longer worth our while to live and pay taxes in the UK. Going abroad  - more           or less anywhere: Europe, Australia, the US – leaves us with more disposable

            income, at the end of the day ..........! (fade OUT, fade IN new interview) .....

            (Couple B) ...... We’ve had four breakins at our house in the last three months:

            the police have been out to take statements for the first two, then they seem to

            have given up. But we’ve got nothing left worth stealing: there’s nothing here

            for us to miss, we’re on our way before we lose everything ........ (Fade)

            (Couple C) ... We’re moving for our daughter’s sake. She’s due to start school

            next year: and have you seen the state of British schools .... !??  (Fade)

 

DB      (facing camera) Almost everyone I interviewed had stories similar to these.

            It seems that the position Liverpool once had as the port from which people

            left these shores to start a new life either in the New World or further afield

            in far-flung corners of what was once the British Empire may become a very

            similar staging post for a new generation of young professionals This is David

            Byers reporting from Liverpool: now, back to the studio .........

CUT TO

 

MF      Hi David: this is Melissa Ford standing in for Angie Ross in the Newsroom

            Thinks: if I told you what I’d like to do to that bitch when she gets back ...!

            How dare she swan off without warning and leave us to sort this out!!

 

DB      What’s the story around the rest of the country, Melissa?

 

MF      Post Offices and other passport agencies have been extremely busy, David, and             queues such as the one you’ve showed us in Liverpool have been quite common.

            Banks have reported a brisk trade in every major foreign currency, and some     smaller branches have had to impose a limit on certain currencies. There’s been a       significant ‘run’ on Euros in particular, presumably because they’re common to       several different countries now. However, this has had the side-effect of             depressing the value of the Euro, which closed the day down 5 at 60p.

 

DB      And how about people who don’t need to renew passports? What’s the situation at

            travel agents, airports, ferries?

 

MF      Busy, but really no more than you’d expect for the start of the summer holiday   period. Our cameras were at a number of airports this morning, including          Liverpool (cut to screen showing busy but orderly lines at JLA).

Freeze scene. Dim Spots

 

 

Act Three, sc. iv

 

Int. Evening. Freeman household. Family watching same TV News.

 

PF       Looks like I was right not to buy tickets for the first flight this morning!

 

KF       We couldn’t have packed any faster anyway: not without drawing attention .... !

 

PF       Now who’s being paranoid, hmm? But our bags are packed, and we can pack              what furniture    we don’t want to be without more discreetly after it gets dark.

            That’s why I told Gerry to bring the van round this late – look, he’s here now!

SFX. Sound of van engine. Followed by quiet knock on door

PF       Gerry, you’re a hero! Now, quiet as you like, let’s get this stuff loaded ..... Kate,

            unplug the TV and sling that quilt around it ..... most of the furniture’s pretty naff,            we aren’t taking a lot with us Gerry: if anyone glances through the window and       sees an empty room they might get the “right” impression – and we don’t want        that, at least not before we’ve had a chance to disappear completely ..... !

Exeunt (via door to “street”)

 

Act Three, scene v

Ext. Night. ‘Drop off’ zone, JLA

 

PF       Thanks for the lift, Gerry! With one piece of hand luggage each, we should be    able to ‘pose’ as summer tourists without raising any eyebrows! We’ll see you

            there, then! Here’s your ferry ticket .... silly money .... and that should cover fuel            costs, but the tank’s full anyway. Good man, Gerry: see you in a few days, then!

Fade. Cut to Int. Check-in desk at JLA

Family shuffle through in line, board without incident

 

PF       Didn’t I just say it’d be a piece of cake?

(Grins, hugs wife & daughter as plane takes off)

Freeze. Fade spot. Fade IN alt. spot on GB, JA in ‘box’

 

JA       I’m confused, Geffers: why’s he talking about ‘cake’? I thought you didn’t get

            meals on budget airlines .........?

             

GB      You’re easy to confuse, Johnners!  (FADE)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act Three, sc. vi

 

In a ‘box’ on opposite wing to GB,JA

Spot on Angie Ross sitting with phone in her hand

 

AR      You can scream all you like about contracts and working my notice! The facts of                       the matter are very simple! I’m here, I’ve been offered a post as TV News Anchor

            for a lot more than you’re paying me, and I’m NOT coming back to the UK!

            Goodbye!   (Slams phone down)       God, how I hate cretins!!

Addresses audience

           

            There was a time when I’d have been a pushover: play the game, do what’s right,          all that crap! Not any more, baby! That’s so last week, along with loyalty, respect    for others, and a dozen more similar doses of BS. As far as I’m concerned it’s a

            case of “What’s in it for me?” from now on!  (clicks on to Internet)

            Now: thanks to the miracles of modern technology, I should be able to set a few

            things in motion to get a removals firm in and put the house up for rent .....

            pity I’ve got to go back to get rid of the key, but I suppose there are still a few

            things you have to do yourself .... hello, Pickfords Removals? I’d like a  quote ....!

 

Fade lighting, freeze scene.

Fade IN Spot on GB, JA opp. ‘box’

 

JA       That’s What’s her name, from the News team, isn’t it? Angela something?

 

GB      Yes, it’s Angie Ross. And it looks as if she’s got a transfer request on t’table, too!

 

JA       Good grief, Geffers! We’d better be careful or we’ll be the only ones left working          for the BBC!

Freeze, Fade spot.

 

Act Three, sc. vii

 

Day. Interior, office (JobCentre)

Desk & 2 clerks facing audience.

Long line of Jobseekers waiting with signing-on cards

 

Clerk  Next!

 

JS 1     (loud) Here y’go! Just stamp it, mate: I’ve already agreed terms of passage, I’m            off to Ossie before the end of the week, gorra job ‘n’ everything!

 

JS2      (cannot avoid overhearing) Yeah, an’ keep th’ stamp handy, mate: I’ve a feeling

            you’re going to be using it quite a lot today! (murmurs of agreement from queue)

 

C         looks worried  You mean, you’ve all got jobs promised in Australia?

 

JS3      Nah, we’re not all goin’ ter Van Diemans land: I’ve gorra job on a Californian 

            oilrig .......... !

 

JS4      An’ I’m goin’ t’ Germany!

                                    Others shout out a variety of destinations, mostly European

Fade soundtrack, fade spots. The queue form a conga line, stamp own cards, exeunt SL

Fade IN Spot on GB, JA in their ‘box’

 

JA       It’s getting worse by the hour, Geffers! At this rate it’s going to be harder than

            ever to pick a team for the Test Match next year ......... Geffers? .... Geffers??!

JA is suddenly aware that GB has left: he is talking to an empty chair

 

 

 

Act Three, sc. viii

 

Ext. Evening. Customs, Dublin

 

Off.     And the purpose of your visit, Sir?

 

Gerry  I’m delivering some household goods for a customer. The family are flying over

            some time next week. I’ve agreed to stay at the property until they get here, make          sure nothing goes missing: that’s why I’ve got an “Open Return” ticket, because    I’m not sure exactly when I’ll be going back. Here’s a manifest of the goods I’ve

            got on board  (Hands over cargo list)

 

Off.     Reads list, glances in rear of van (not too seriously)

            Thank you, sir: have a pleasant stay in Ireland! (Hands back documents)

 

Gerry drives off: Fade lights

 

 

Act Three, sc. ix

Ext. Container terminal, major port (Calais)

In BGD, constant rumble of traffic exiting Tunnel.

This is ‘One Way Traffic’ – nothing is seen travelling from France to England

Mendip Lal and his brother Hari sit in front of a container

(the door is ajar)

 

ML     Hari, it has taken me two days to find you, isn’t it! Listen to me when I say:

            there is nothing at all which appeals about living in England any more: I can

            even buy proper English tea anywhere in Europe!

 

HL      But you have the skill to play cricket for ..........

 

ML     (interrupting) .......... Hari, Hari! The English are so short of natural talent, almost          anyone can get a passport which allows them to play cricket for England! And the

            same applies to tennis, athletics, and a number of other sports!

 

JA       (from commentary box) I say! That’s not fair, young man ....... !

He is ignored: fade spot

HL      So, you come to join me: and you have brought everything you could carry? And

            all your money, too? You never planned to return?

 

ML     You are my brother, Hari: what else can I do when my brother is in trouble?

 

HL      (points) I can see there is not much chance of smuggling onto a train or a lorry   heading for England: there’s no traffic going that way!

Freeze. Fade lighting.

 

 

 

 

Act Three, sc. x

Ext. Day. Farmhouse, rural Ireland

 

 

PF       Right, Gerry! You’re a hero, y’know! Now, this is your receipt for the sale of the           van .... I’ve made the signature nice and illegible, by the way! But it’s only for

            show, if somebody really, really wants to see it: what it means is, your ass is      covered, since it was registered in your name! As far as DVLA is concerned, it’s   no longer ‘on the road’ in good old GB, so it’s not their concern any more!

 

GB      You’ve planned this in detail, Paul: do you really think you can ‘disappear’ just   like that? How about the vehicle Log Book, for starters?

 

PF       Well, didn’t I tell you that my middle name is Gary? And you’d be surprised how           little it takes to alter a capital “B” to an “F” with a tiny spot of Tippex: then Hey         Presto! Mr. G Breen suddenly becomes Mr. G  Freeman ..... not that I expect to be

            running around in this junkheap next time it’s due an MOT, anyway! In a month

            or two I’ll flog it for whatever scrap value I can get, then I can buy another car in           my own name ....

 

JF        ....... and then what, Dad? Are you going to run and hide for the rest of your life?

            You might not have broken any laws so far, but it’s not for want of trying!

 

PF       There#s only one law that counts right now, Joanna: the one that says

            “Do unto others before they do it to you.” I’ve had enough of being the

            ‘Tim Nice-but-Dim’ loser , perfect English gentleman, permanently broke!

            It’s time for me to step back and look after my family for a change: try to live up

            to the family motto, in fact! It’s right here on the family crest:

                                    (takes document from inner jacket pocket)

            in English, it says “Honour and Approved Virtue” – see? And as of now, I’ve

            decided that I’ll do whatever I feel right for my family’s welfare!

 

KF       If it means we all get a bigger piece of you, I don’t have a problem with that!

 

PF       I knew you’d understand, Kate! Joanna? How about you?

                                    (beat)

 

JF        When you put it like that: it’s only a few days ago I said you were too much of a            “Good Guy”, Dad, and that you should be a bit more selfish – or at least, more

            self-centred! So I can’t really argue against it now, can I? Of course I’m with you!

            What else did you expect? (runs over and hugs him) You know we all love you!

                                                Kate joins in ‘group hug’ on other side of PF

 

GB      (embarrassed cough) Look, folks, I don’t mean to .....

 

PF       You’re welcome to join the huddle, if you want .... sorry, Gerry, not really         serious! Of course, we’ve unfinished business, then you can be off whenever it           suits you best! 

             (They wander off to rear of scene, talking quietly. Significant sums of money are   seen to be handed over by PF. KF, JF exchange small talk, arrange furniture,             start unpacking, other small tasks until the two men return to Centre Stage ....... )

 

GB      I’ll be off, then. Don’t know when I’ll see you again, but you’ve got my number if

            you ever ....

 

PF       Thanks, Gerry! I’ll run you into town, I’ve already hired a Hertz car one way, you          can drop it off at the airport, but I’ll have to pick it up at this end because it’s            booked in my name .......... !

                                    PF,  GB exeunt SR. Freeze action, dim lights. Curtain

 

 

 

 

Act Three, sc. xi

 

Ext. Night, Channel Tunnel approach roads

David Byers with microphone, foreground (L)

Angie Ross, Jon Agnew on 2 monitors in Bgd

 

DB      As you can see from the scene here at Dover, traffic heading for France has       hit record levels. Today, a decision was taken to close the Northbound

            tunnels in an attempt to ease congestion by using all four lanes for Southbound    traffic.  

 

JA       I remember traffic like this leaving Lords after the First Test Match in 1972....

                                    Fade lighting, decrease volume gradually

                                    Balance by fading IN spot on AR in other ‘box’

 

AR      (We hear her thoughts: “Laugh this off, creep! My turn to put the boot in!)

            Angie Ross for Fox TV, by satellite link from Dover, England. It almost seems as           if everyone in the United Kingdom has decided to follow the migratory birds and             go South for the winter (Thinking: Rats leaving a sinking ship, more like!)

 

DB      (Thinks: You just got out at the right time didn’t you, bitch!)

            Welcome back to our screens, Angie! How’s life in the States treating you?

            (Thinks: I hope you get mugged on the subway!)

 

AR      Fine thanks, David! (Thinks: As if you cared!) Can you explain why so many people have chosen this week to take their holidays, and opted to travel abroad?

 

DB      Well, Angie, for once we can’t blame the British weather! This has been the longest, warmest and driest summer since records began        [beat]

            Earlier today, world wildlife expert Professor William Odder was quoted as saying that “ … the phenomenon of mass migration of a species reminded him of the ‘group mentality’ of lemmings and other animals which have been known to swarm and move collectively – sometimes appearing hell-bent on mass suicide – for no apparent reason.

 

AR      Is he suggesting that some significant percentage of those UK residents who have apparently decided on the spur of the moment to award themselves a holiday may have suicidal tendencies?

 

DB      (with a plastic laugh) Not much likelihood of that, Angie!

            (Thinks:  But you could do us all a favour if you’d consider it!)

            But Professor Odder is a recognised behavioural expert, so perhaps we should be warned by his reservations on this so-far-unexplained development!

 

AR      Here’s another set of statistics which have come to light, David

            (Thinks: and if this doesn’t blow you out of the water, I’ll be disappointed!)

            The OECD confirmed this morning that in the last three years, an average of more than 2000 people per week have opted to emigrate from the UK permanently. These are almost exclusively A1 workers, with top level university education and valuable work experiences to offer. Do you have any comment on that, David?

 

DB      [Thinks: You miserable cow! Where did you dig those figures up – and why wasn’t I warned?] I haven’t heard that before, Angie, but you know that a lot of these statistics are not always very reliable. And there’s no mention of the invaluable skills which people coming to settle and live in this country bring with them!

 

AR      Well, figures from the same source suggest that immigrant workers have few qualifications which even come close to balancing those of the “lost” emigrants, and that many of them in fact have no qualifications whatsoever and require lengthy and extensive remedial classes in English and mathematics.

 

DB      This sounds like a subject we’re going to have to come back to once we’ve established a few basic facts, Angie!

 

AR      Can I ask, David: how’s the national transport system coping?

 

DB      Road traffic seems to be quite heavy, but moving along without serious delays. Several local authorities have made temporary closures on main roads and motorways for Northbound traffic, so they can use extra lanes Southbound

            Camera pans across split screens, showing long lines of slow-moving traffic (mostly commercial) on major roads, and busy scenes from Southampton and Dover ports.

            ……… All ferries are sailing fully booked, and extra vessels are being set in on all routes to absorb “turn up and ride” passengers – mostly on foot – on a first-come-first-served basis.

 

AR      There have been some reports of disagreements and scuffles?

 

DB      [Thinks: Bitch! Bitchbitchbitchbitch]Angie, there have been unconfirmed reports of private shipowners accepting paying passengers, and the Coastguard Service says that the Channel is becoming as busy as it was on D-day. The good news is that the weather is expected to hold for at least the next few days: this will give the main pressure time to ease off.

 

AR      And, finally: what’s the situation regarding Customs, and Passport Control?

 

DB      The latest EU rules regarding citizenship and Job Mobility in all member countries means that this isn’t really a problem any longer, Angie!

            [Thinks: But you just had to get the boot in didn’t you, bitch!]

                                                                         [freeze. dim lights]

                            Fade IN alternate lights focus on Commentary Box

 

JA       Maybe we can export cricket to the Froggies at last, Jeffers!

 

GB      Nay, lad: they be too damned thick f’r that!

 

                                                                                    Fade.   Curtain.

 

Act III, sc. xii

                                              Ext. Night. Freight sidings, Calais

 

Makeshift (open-air) office, of old packing cases, orange boxes for seats etc, table lamp.

Asian family (man. Wife, 4 chn) lined up at ‘desk’ manned by Official

 

Off.     Next!    [beat]  Your name?

 

AF       Abdul Fernacze, from the Turkish sector of Cyprus: my wife Sulei, light of my life, and our 4 children.

 

Off.     Writes slowly. Makes notes of ages, names of wife & children. Finally

            Is the UK your final destination?

 

AF       Most assuredly, yes” Such a wonderful land, I am told!

 

Off.     [Interrupting] Quite possibly. But you have no travel documents, Sir?

 

AF       Alas! We fell amongst thieves. On our journey here from Cyprus we were robbed. We have only this small bundle of clothes we were given by our fellow passengers on the train! When we get to England I will telegraph my cousin for funds to help us survive until I find myself a job.

 

Off.     [bored “I’ve heard it all before”yawn] Of course, Sir … and no doubt you’d like me to let you phone Cyprus here and now, from this office, to ask for funding …?

 

AF       [A little too eagerly] You can do that?

 

Off.     No, sir: all I said was “I suppose you’d like me to do that”. I didn’t say I would, and I can’t: the phone doesn’t work, it’s only for show!

 

 

 

AF       disappointed  Oh!   [beat]  Well, I’ll speak to the Turkish ambassador as soon as we get to London ……… will it be today or tomorrow we can travel onwards?

 

Off.     It’s not that simple, Sir! I must process lots of these [he roots in drawers and extracts form after form]: then present them for your signature, send them off, lose them, fill out duplicate forms and explanations of how and why the originals were lost, then wait ….. He continues muttering to himself (nobody else is listening)     [beat] He looks around at family again.

            You’d best make yourselves comfortable: this could take some time.

Exits, SL

AF and family sit/squat (grouphug) on floor, Rear & Centre, close to “Tunnel” entrance

 

 

Act III, sc. xiii

Ext/Int. Night. Freight sidings, Calais

 

AF       Think, my sweetness, that through this tunnel we will soon be able to reach England, bounteous land overflowing with milk and honey, and everything your heart can conceive will be available to us for free!

 

SF       [Pantomime. Silent & signed response]

 

AF       Yes, my oyster’s pearl! Of course we shall have our own room and house, and also rooms for the boys and the girls to sleep separately.

 

SF       mimes

 

AF       No, light of my boudoir, they would regard it as the worst insult if we were to try and pay , for that would be as if we were setting a price on their hospitality, which they regard as priceless!

He persuades her to sit on an orange box and seats himself beside her.

 

            You must remember this: We represent the poor, oppressed, minority Turkish group in Greek-occupied Cyprus who have had all our possessions stolen by the illegal paramilitary junta who have seized control of our native island. That makes us refugees, seeking asylum but afraid of retributions on our heads if we should ever attempt to return to our homes. We do not trust any of our nearest neighbours and feel secure only with the promised protection of the UK, whose powerful army and navy have helped us so often in times past!

 

SF       mime

 

AF       No, my radiant dawn, that is not so! Hear me once more …. [he signs for her]

 

            [Continues, addressing audience rather than wife]

            Now I see you understand, o fragrant flower of my dreams ……

            Come, my children: be brave! While this oik of a French poodle sniffs to find his own rear end and yaps to his superiors, we can be on our way through this wondrous Tunnel of undoubted British quality workmanship and hie to England and a life we can live in the aristocratic manner of Riley …. Isn’t it!

            Come quickly: come, come!

Exeunt via Tunnel, signposted “UK & North”

 

Act III sc. xiv

Int. Subdued lighting (tunnel)

 

AF, followed by chn, SF enter SL. AF has a shepherd’s crook to keep group together.

 

AF       Courage, my children! Always after darkness comes the light! See the beatific smile in the visage of your mother, the caboose of our family!

Fade out lights. Family tableau ‘ freezes’ in darkness

 

 

 

Act III, sc. xv

Ext. Daylight. Hillside showing tunnel entrance (concealed from audience)

Gerry Breen crouches outside tunnel, mobile in hand              

                                                 

GB                  Yeah, Paul: done that! Yes, anyone coming to the Tunnel from this direction can’t fail to see it! …….. no, the coast’s clear! Nobody saw me, I’m certain.   [beat] Next? I’ll drive on as far as I can with what petrol’s still in the tank, stay on the motorways south from Calais as far as poss for fuel economy….when the tank’s near empty I’ll either flog it for scrap or remove the reg.  plates and torch it – it’s never going to pass another MOT anyway!

            Luggage? No, what I couldn’t cram in a backpack I’ve either flogged or sent on to a storage yard in Dublin – it’s amazing how few goods and chattels you can get by with, if you’ve got to be selective!   [beat]  Nooooo, I’m in no hurry: I’ll see you in a couple of weeks or so!

Gets back into car, enters Tunnel

            (NB. We are still unaware of what is on the ‘sign’ he has been referring to)

Act III, sc. Xvi

Int. Subdued lighting (tunnel)

            AF, followed by chn, followed by SF enter SL moving slowly, all holding staff to stay together. They approach Ctr [front] slowly, continue in silence towards SR.

            At same time, Gerry B drives rapidly from SR across Ctr and off at SL

           (Rear of stage). Family group wave to him but he does not notice them.

 

AF       Yes, my golden buttercup! We are truly arriving in the land of unlimited opportunity. Free medical care, free university education for my wonderful children, all day pubs and village bobbies!Rejoice, my children, at the future which opens before you, and especially as I will not be required to pay one single penny towards it!

 

He begins to dance the Hora, clicking fingers etc. When he has circled away from Centre of Stage he suddenly stops and reads the message which is written on Gerry B’s sign (as yet we the audience cannot see what this is)

Freeze tableau as AF picks up sign.

Act III, sc. Xvii

Fade UP lights to show GB, JA in Commentary Box

Int. El. Lighting

GB      Eh oop, Jonners! That ‘un’s sen sommat ‘e doan laike!

 

JA       Certainly looks like that, Geffers! What could it be?   [beat]  It looks as if there’s some sort of …. message on that … sheet? …. or whatever it is he’s holding up!

            He seems to have found it draped over the Tunnel entrance: do you think it could be a cake recipe? I’m told that Turkish women bake some very naice cakes …..

 

GB      Stow tha’ witherin’ man! Reckon ’uns gonna tell us!

 

AF       holds sheet by top edge, to display it to audience

            Please, you wonderful people of land full of Eastern promise!

            What is the meaning of this sign?

 

AF       holds up sign, showing it to the audience.

LAST MAN OUT: REMEMBER TO

TURN OFF THE LIGHTS

CURTAIN

 

FINIS